[Me.again]

I have this problem with feeling guilt which I've had for many years that I can't seem to make any real progress on reducing. Even right now I feel a tonne of guilt that I'm not really sure what's about or what i can do to relieve it. It's just debilitating beyond belief most of the time.

Recently I've been trying to face the feeling of guilt by just sitting, allowing myself to fully feel it so that maybe my mind can pick up on what it's actually about. Sometimes I seem to make progress and get a good bit of relief but on days like today I could sit all day trying to focus on it and it might only give me an hour's relief. Even when I do get good relief it only lasts a day at best.

The thing is, I think I have a fairly good idea what most of the guilty feelings are about but no matter what insights I feel I gain from focusing on them they just keep coming back. I don't think I deserve the guilt at all but that doesn't seem to make any difference.
I think most of the feelings relate to my parents' expectations of me from when I was a child and teenager - that I forget about whatever I want to do in life and take on the family business. I know I'm not doing anything wrong by resisting this expectation and wanting to live my own life but that doesn't seem to make any difference to the feeling of guilt, and it just keeps coming back again and again.

So basically I don't know what else to do about this. I've tried quite a few self-help books and keeping a journal and various other things but nothing seems to make any real progress. I know going to see a therapist would probably be the obvious answer but I live in a rural area with my parents and would probably need them to drive me there and back (as I've never taken my driving test), which doesn't fill me with enthusiasm. I know I probably sound quite pathetic and dependent, and I pretty much am, but I think it's been the incessant feelings of intense guilt that have prevented me becoming in any way independent or building a life for myself. I just feel if i could just get some relief from the worst of the guilt then maybe I could become independent enough to actually properly deal with the problem, by seeing a therapist or whatever.

So I suppose the purpose of my very long post (sorry about that) is to just see if anybody here has any similar problems to me or any advice or suggestions about what I could do.

Thanks for reading and any answers.

[Leed]

I wonder if PART of the guilt is the fact that you HAVEN'T become independent of your parents, and gone out on your own. I don't know how old you are, as that would make a big difference. If you're newly out of school or college, then it wouldn't be expected that you'd be on your own quite so soon. But if you're in your late 20's or 30's, then yes, most people would be out and on their own by now. And most folks would have their drivers' license by now too.

If your parents had high expectations of you and wanted you to join the family business -- that's kind of unfair, as YOU have a life too, and it all depends on what YOU want to do. You shouldn't feel guilty if you chose NOT to join the business. And if you DID join the business, what is there to feel guilty about? I guess I don't understand the guilt either. You would be better served by asking your parents to take you to a thrapist to see where this guilt is coming from -- you can't continue suffering like this. It's not fair to you.

Make the call to a therapist, and get an appointment soon. I wish you the very best. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Mindinpieces]

Hi and welcome. Sorry if I am not of any help. I can understand guilt constantly affecting you. However I probably feel guilty for different reason to you and this will be different for you as well… but maybe the resolve you’re looking for is an answer as to what or when you wouldn’t feel this way. I know that’s how I am but sometimes even finding yourself in that situation you thought would take the guilt away. Wasn’t the fix or answer to stopping this feeling. It’s like you tell yourself if I do this then that wouldn’t make you be what you feel guilt for. However this shouldn’t stop you from moving past the feeling you have now because everyone has the right and chances to change what life they lead and what they are like as a person. Please don’t think that this comment means I think you should feel guilty because I am sure that’s not the case for you. You probably, only guessing here feel trapped and have no idea as to how to move forward from this situation, then you may get yourself stuck within this and the thought processes that goes along side this. This is what I do and I just end up in a cycle instead of moving pass the guilt to a life and place where I can feel not guilty of living or having that. Sorry if I have not really given you a reply or help but maybe just knowing your not alone in feeling guilty is something. I hope you try to hold in there with yourself and in time able to work through this. Wishing you all the best

Welcome to PC, Me.again! I know it took a lot of courage to post and talk about what you're feeling. I'm not sure from your post how old you are (not asking you to post that), but my answer relates to where you are in your life's journey. If you're still in high school, you have some "free options". There are school counselors and school psychologists in most high schools who are HIRED to service all the student in the school . .. yes, it's true that they are usually tied up providing services to the children who are out of control with their behavior or who have significant behavioral/learning disabilities. . . BUT, they are also there for any and ALL students.

If you are still in high school, I hope you have a teacher, counselor or school person who you feel is trustworthy. It doesn't have to be anyone who you'd "pour your heart out to", just someone you believe and trust has student's best interest in mind. This is the person to start with. Talk to this person, let them know that you are confused and struggling a bit. They will help you or find someone who can help you.

If you're NOT a high school student and living at home, I know that can be difficult. If you can call some of the local "mental health clinics" you might find one that has some openings. You might want to ask a friend or supporter, to "give you a lift" to an appointment. Talk to the person and see if they can give you a hand in sorting through these things. I recognize the thoughts as things many of us suffer from when growing up, but they seem deeply entrenched and troublesome to you. I think you deserve a good and understanding therapist to sort through the thoughts. Good luck!

[Mysterygirl202]

I think your dwelling on it toomuch! My friends tel me sometimes "stop thinking!". Just real and be grateful to be alive. God gives forgiveness for whatever we have done. If God can forgive me..... Then He can forgive you.

[Me.again]

Thanks for the replies.

Sorry, I should've introduced myself better, I'm a man and I'm in my late twenties.

@Leed, I haven't really "joined" the family business as such, I help out on a day to day basis but I resist committing myself to it fully as it's not what i want to do with my life. I think maybe that's why I continue feeling guilt, or a good part of it anyway. I seem to keep myself in a sort of limbo situation where I don't commit myself to anything and I don't have any real identity. I feel like what i want to do is just a stupid waste of time and totally unrealistic, so I don't want to even tell anybody what it is, never mind try it.

@Mindinpieces, yes you are right I do feel trapped. I mean I have tried to become independent by going away to university but i think the constant guilt just started eating me away and grinding me down. Back then I didn't even know that I did feel constant guilt but I'm pretty sure now that is what was really making me feel so dreadful all the time at uni. Anyway I couldn't keep up with the work and eventually had to leave. I probably should've sought a counselor/therapist then but I didn't. I just feel that the constant guilt will wreck any attempt I try to make to build an independent life for myself. Intense guilt just makes social contact excruciating, I just feel like I don't deserve to be in anyone's presence nor have anyone like me or think well of me.

As for therapy, that two replies mentioned, I really feel like I need some relief from the guilt before I could try that. I know that sounds daft but I just could not bear the thought of people knowing that I'm going for therapy, my parents included. I suppose I just wanted to see if anyone here might have similar problems to me or suggestions about what I could do to get to that stage where I could actually bring myself to get some professional help.

[Mindinpieces]

Hi, in regards to what works I can’t say what does or will be of yourself use to you but here are some of my thoughts, they may help. There are many books, tips about internet and places, however sometimes this can get confusing and disheartening in that, if you do not have anyone who could offer you professional support needed to bounce back off. You can sort of knock yourself back a few steps. However it is about knowing yourself and what works for you really. However we all need a little guidance with our problems and moving forward from time to time. Maybe you could try cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) look online for techniques, books etc. CBT is sort of understanding what you think then impacts the way in which you behave and vice versa. Didn’t really help myself but that's another story and what works for one may not work for another. There nothing to suggest these therapy’s and technique won't help or be of use to you. You won't know that until you give them a go. Another thing is mindfulness trying to understand things as they come and go but not judging yourself about the feelings you get or the situation you’re in. Again these things take time and I am not a good person for best explaining these things or advice on what works. I am still trying to figure it out myself and I personally don’t get everything I have learned alone the way with therapy I have been in. Maybe you could try posting in self- help ideas and goal setting forum on here you may get some better replies as to techniques etc. Sorry I could not be more specific in my response to you. I hope you can find the help you seek on here, PC. This is a good place to start in seeking help and reaching out. I wish you all the best and I hope you feel at ease with yourself once again.

[dg1983]

If you are looking for books, the mindful way through depression and the power of now helped me in reducing my guilt. Have you had an in depth conversation with your parents about how you are feeling? It may help to have their understanding and support.

[allen645]

I know how does it feel. With the passage of time it'll go away but the damage will be done. From my experience i can tell, you have to believe whatever happens, happens for a reason and try to find the best in it.