[Sadness2011]

I am really struggling with how I have just been treated AGAIN by my ex boyfriend(see "am I being too sensitive?"). Surely I deserve better than that, but I keep letting these jerky people into my world who have no clue how to treat people and their feelings. That says alot about me. Why ask me to have dinner with you if you had no interest in me? Why take my letter if you had no intention of reading it? I wasn't trying to change his mind about anything, I just wanted to let him know how I feel, that's all. Why be so sweet and charming to my face, then be ice cold to me when I'm not around? If you didn't have any romantic interest in me why lead me on for WEEKS, then not have the balls to say it to my face instead of by TEXT? I'm so hurt by the lack of concern for my feelings he has shown me. I'm mad at myself for even saying yes to his dinner invitation. Now I have to start the grieving process all over again and it sucks.

[panicattacked]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much Sadness! Our world has become so cold. A text is such a cowardly way! I'm thinking of you tonight! I don't know you, but can honestly say that you deserve better, everyone deserves better than that. Find better! In the mean time, hang in there and keep your chin up!

[Callmebj]

Sadness, I read your other post. I'm sorry you have been so affected by this. Right now you need to worry about self. Address your reaction to this and get to a better comfort zone. The guy is a jerk, so it's best to forget him and mend your sadness instead of focusing on the hurt and/or him. There has been and always will be people who will either accept you or reject you. It happens to all people in life. Don't be mad at yourself for speaking your feelings. If he didn't get it, that says what a jerk he is. Making mistakes and learning from them is very forgivable and not something that should knock you off track for any great deal of time.

Hugs, bj

[PrincessxKitty]

sadness, i'm sorry you have to go through that. i know exactly how you're feeling though since i'm/have been feeling the same way. no one deserves to be treated that way. i hope you feel better..

[Open Eyes]

((((((Sadness2011))))))),

I am sorry that someone disappointed you Sadness, that happens to me sometimes.
I sometimes forget that other people don't always think and feel like I do and when someone doesn't care, or is mean I can begin to wonder what is wrong with ME. It is very easy sometimes to even begin to think that it is our fault that people disappoint us or that somehow we find all the losers that we foolishly befriend or that we choose the wrong boyfriends/girlfriends etc.

What I CAN do is tell you what I have learned about how I got that way. I was the youngest of three and my constant struggle was being bossed around by my two older siblings. And I also had strict parents as well. So most of my childhood was trying to find ways to PLEASE others and learn to BEHAVE the way THEY felt I should. So, in many ways I grew up always having to think about pleasing others somehow and putting my own needs aside. And along with that was a constant message about what is right and wrong, do's and don't's, be honest, fair, behave yourself, don't wine,
no argueing, and many other demands from my parents.

Basically I simply grew up to be complient to the needs of others. So, not realizing it, I still can do that and I have to be careful because I was basically trained to be a codependant as well.

People often say things like, get over your past, grow up and deal, and that I care too much about other people and I need to stop worrying about others and just concentrate on myself. For me, that is not so easy, because of the conditions I grew up in and how much I was taught to think and feel certain ways. And the one thing I did know is what it felt like to be constantly hurt by others and have to somehow find a way to deal with that all by myself. And because I was the youngest and just a child, I did whatever I could to "Just find a way to deal".

Someone can tell you that this boyfriend is a "jerk" and that you should just walk away, or tell you that when people disrespect you and treat you poorly, just walk away and IGNORE them and take care of YOU. BUT, how well you can do that depends alot on what you may have been unknowingly conditioned to do and think.
Because you have asked, "Why do I seem to end up with people who disrespect and hurt me?", that tells me that your core has been trained to feel that you "should" know how to please others and "If you don't" then it is somehow "Your Fault".

In order for you to "LEARN" why this happens, you have to "Learn" how you were actually conditioned to behave and respond to others growing up. Once you sort that out you will have to "Learn" how to correct this behavior pattern and that comes "SLOWLY". It comes slowly because you actually have to "relearn" how you read others and how to change things about you that you are really not aware of. Change, isn't easy because we develope our sense of self from our environments growing up and in that we develope our emotional responses as well. When we grow up FEELING that we are failures through abuse or being controled by others, we actually FEEL that if someone rejects us somehow, IT IS OUR FAULT. AND, one of the reasons WHY we can end up in BAD relationships is that without realizing it we can be DRAWN to the kind of people we KNOW, and if we were around people that abused or controled us, we unknowingly tend to be drawn to these kinds of people. These people are often selfish and controling and simply do not CARE about you or your feelings Sadness2011 and you need to learn how to distinguish these people from people who are going to love and respect you.

Often what CAN and DOES happen is that when we do come across someone who is a better person, who is kind and caring, we can feel unworthy, uncomfortable and can even shy away from them. The reason is because WE DO NOT KNOW THAT KIND OF PERSON and WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO REACT THAT KIND OF PERSON.

It is said that many women marry a man just like their father, even if they try not to.
And many men are attracted to women just like their mothers as well even if they insist that they hated their mother and nothing they ever did could please their mother. The reason for this is how much certain interactions were engrained in men and women when they were growing up. Men and women find comfort in what they know, even if that is something that is not necessarily healthy for them. It can become so second nature that people simply do NOT recognize it.

For example, we all learn how to tie our shoes. When we are small we have to really think about it at first, but as years go by and we tie our shoes constantly, we can begin to tie our shoes without even consciously thinking about it. If someone comes along and teaches us how to tie our shoes differently?, we will again have to think about it and the first time we are in a rush to put on our shoes and go, we will simply tie them the way we originally learned and is so automatic and engrained in us.

Yes this boyfriend is a "jerk". Now you have to understand that, and you also have to understand why you somehow feel the way you do and how you even worry that it is YOUR FAULT that he doesn't care about you or that you are upset and are now asking the questions that you posted here.

((((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

((((((Sadness)))))))),
One of the therapys that many benefit from is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a very good therapy that is designed to help patients learn how to react to certain thought patterns in a much healthier way, to repsond better to people who are truely not healthy for us to interact with as well as teach how to interact in a way that helps prevent abuse. It is basically slowly learning how to retie our shoes in a healthier way and it does take time.

Some people talk about faking it until you make it. The truth is, it should not be a thought process of faking it. What needs to happen is that one allows themselves to LEARN new behaviors. We can all LEARN, we don't have to FAKE anything.

Open Eyes

[Sadness2011]

Thanks for all the support everybody. I'm trying to accept the fact that he doesn't deserve to feel guilty for how he doesn't feel about me, just the way he chose to express it to me, or not express it I should say. I hate that he kept "acting" interested after the first date but claims he was turned off. Very selfish.

[2kidsandadog]

Originally Posted by Sadness2011

I am really struggling with how I have just been treated AGAIN by my ex boyfriend(see "am I being too sensitive?"). Surely I deserve better than that, but I keep letting these jerky people into my world who have no clue how to treat people and their feelings. That says alot about me. Why ask me to have dinner with you if you had no interest in me? Why take my letter if you had no intention of reading it? I wasn't trying to change his mind about anything, I just wanted to let him know how I feel, that's all. Why be so sweet and charming to my face, then be ice cold to me when I'm not around? If you didn't have any romantic interest in me why lead me on for WEEKS, then not have the balls to say it to my face instead of by TEXT? I'm so hurt by the lack of concern for my feelings he has shown me. I'm mad at myself for even saying yes to his dinner invitation. Now I have to start the grieving process all over again and it sucks.

I am so sorry! Men are so frickin weird. Yet, they say we are the weird ones. Eh, I say!

Maybe you need some "red flag" indicators that help you see what you've always taken for granted - and not realized it. Just a thought! I really, really, really suck at that, so I'm just empathizing as well as suggesting it for myself.

[NotAnotherDay]

What I find interesting and true about what Open Eyes said is how we are "trained" to go for certain kinds of people...since Sadness2011 married one man who had been friends with the hurtful ex, i think that illustrates Open Eyes comment perfectly...the two hurtful men in her life used to be friends...of course they were friends, they have something in common...not knowing how to treat women! I just thought it was something to ponder. I hope you get to feeling better Sadness, I have been there too.