[indigo1015]

So, I really have to say, the internship seems to be going well. I'm having an amazing time in Indianapolis, working and learning and networking, and I seem to be getting along well with everyone. So, why do I feel so nervous? It's so weird, no matter how well I do, I can't help but feel like it's all going to blow up in my face any minute. I feel like I can't take any success for granted, or even claim credit for it, because the second I do, something awful will happen and I'll be back at Square One (which is a place I REALLY don't want to visit again!). Tomorrow a grad student from Italy is coming for a three-month period, and, since I've also studied in Italy, I should feel excitement, anticipation, and generally look forward to it. However, let's not overlook the fact that, all my life, I have had this intense fear of meeting new people. I always expect them to reject me or belittle me, or show me up for the loser I am. I don't think you can even call it "fear of competition" in this case, because she is so much further along than I am, you really can't compare us. It's mainly intense paranoia. Why? For once in my life, why can't I just enjoy how things are going? Why do I always have to be looking over my shoulder, anticipating the worst, reminding myself that, really, I was just lucky that time, and it's no credit to me? It's a pretty wretched way to live, and yet, when I try to forsake it, something awful happens, and I feel incredible guilt and regret for not being more wary. I'd just like to feel comfortable in my own skin, is that too much to ask? Apparently.

[IowaFarmGal]

Hi indigo1015. Were you raised with a lot of criticism and no praise at all? I hope you will begin to believe in yourself and are able to enjoy your life for a change.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Like IowaFarmGirl mentioned, it sounds like you were brought up with an incredible amount of criticism, lack of praise, and perhaps positive emotional neglect as well. I was brought up without any kind of emotional or physical contact at all from my parents, so I too felt very unsure of myself and was pretty paranoid at one time too.

I can certainly understand your feelings, and it would be very difficult to "get over" this by yourself ~ so I'd suggest talking with a therapist to try to understand these feelings and see if you can't get rid of them. I'm sure a therapist could help you with this. Please think about therapy as I'm sure it would help you a great deal.

God bless and please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[indigo1015]

Originally Posted by IowaFarmGal

Hi indigo1015. Were you raised with a lot of criticism and no praise at all? I hope you will begin to believe in yourself and are able to enjoy your life for a change.

Hi IowaFarmGal,
I guess I was raised with a lot of criticism, although of course, I didn't see it that way at the time. I guess you don't miss what you don't have :-/

[Wants2Fly]

Exactly what Iowa, Indigo, and Leed have said is true for me. It has gotten better for me. Some things that have helped:

1. Being with people who know how to be positive and loving. Opening myself up to those influences.

2. Learning to notice and accept compliments, so I would I have a more realistic view of what I do well -- and not so well.

I still tend to focus on people's negative views of me, but it really is a whole lot better.