[iamspecial]

First thing....i'm not even sure anymore about being here. I don't know if it's doing me good or more harm to my mental health. I don't know who cares and who says it because they want to be nice and kind and to try and make me feel better with saying it.

All my life i have been let down, abused, having promises broken, heartaches, loss, got told a lot of lies, hurt and others, but when i found here i thought it was different, i thought it was great to be here where people do care and love you and support you but now i see it's just them saying it so it makes me feel better. I don't want/need that. I need friends who are going to be here for me like i am when they need someone but i guess i really dont matter and i'm right with what i have been saying...i'm no one special....i'm not special....i'm not worth anything....i'm not important....my feelings don't count for anything.

Those you hold close will never stay but one day will come back but when they need you not when you need them....those aren't friends.....friends are those who hold on so tight that it hurts just to try and push them off but never works because that strength is too powerful.....they say love is strong but truth is who needs love if all it does is hurt you in the long run?? Like Tina Turner said "what's love got to do with it, who needs a heart when a heart CAN be broken!?!?!?" I don't want mine anymore....anyone want it?? It's free i'm willing to rip it out and send it to anyone who wants it.

The way i feel right now is that i'm drawning with no one to talk to, no one cares, others are more important than my "stupid" problems. If i try to talk it's always turned around onto them so either way i'm useless. I don't want to wake up tomorrow.....but i bet you that i will and get shouted at for missing church!! I'm so not that bothered anymore. I'm sick of feeling ill, i'm sick of doctors giving me any drug they want because they aren't sure what's wrong with me, i hate having the side effect of them when i prob dont need them, i hate that my life is all going down hill yet no one knows or even cares. Well my vent it over and it's fine...no need to respond or read this....just venting here because i have no one to turn too.

[SoupDragon]

Iam special - I don't know you and I will only ever get to know you on here. Because I don't know you personally does not mean that I do not care - I care very much about you right now - I know how it is to feel the things you write of and I know how it is to be stuck / trapped behind all those things and to feel alone.

I have learned that my mind can play tricks with me, it can make me believe things, that later I look back on and see very differently. And I know that medication can sometimes also feed into that and make things very confusing for me. When I am in that place it is so hard to get out, my brain changes somehow.

I have found comfort and peace in Pema Chodron's book "When Things Fall Apart" - it hasn't changed my life, but there have been bits in that book that have helped me think about things differently.

I don't believe people on here are not genuine - I know I believe every word I write - we all share something special on here and that is what makes this a good place to be.

I also know for me sometimes i can get a little mixed up on here and have taken breaks from time to time.

iamspecial is thinking....when all else fails....sit back...look at it....then re-think and start again I think that is really good advice.

You do matter - Soup

[Trippin2.0]

Soup said it better than I could've hoped to. You are worthy and you matter to me. I have no need to lie to you or be insincere in my replies, for I gain absolutely nothing by being fake and malicious... I really hope you feel better soon

[Leed]

I think people who reply to you DO really care and absolutely MEAN what they say. Like Trippin said, they have no reason to lie or be insincere -- what is there to gain by that?

Personally I DO think you are special! You were put here for a reason! We all were. It's up to you to find what that reason is. God does not make "junk." And you weren't put here just to take up space. LOL

Your feelings DO matter to us, and it matters that you're feeling so low and depressed. Many of us are like you -- we're sick of the doctors, sick of the medications, the side effects, tired of being lonely, etc. But we HAVE to keep trying because things NEVER stay the same. Things ALWAYS change and they will get better!!! They have to. Am I naive? I don't think so. I've been on this earth a lot longer than you, I'm sure -- and things always get better.

Please stay and keep posting and reading. And if possible, talk to a therapist. You probably have, but try it again. It really does work if you let it. I wish you the very best - and my prayers are with you. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[iamspecial]

Thank you everyone for your kind comments to this post. I'm sorry i haven't seen or read them till now. I don't even know what i was thinking when i post this or know anymore of why i posted. I've been away so long from here that i haven't really posted much and thought i'd have a look now to see if my post got any responses and honestly thank you for what you have said!! s to all