[indigo1015]

My mom recently began seeing a therapist. We were all relieved to hear this - let's just say that my mom has "issues." She has severe body dysmorphic disorder, depression, anxiety, and anger issues. Of all of these, the BDD is of the most interest to me. This is because it has affected me so negatively, in ways that, I realize, she never intended and never imagined. As a kid growing up, my mom was always dieting, and always criticizing herself about her weight. She was always comparing herself to other women, and she was extremely critical of me, as well (I was definitely not a skinny kid). To make things worse, my father has very little willpower or self-control when it comes to eating and drinking. The upshot was that I was raised in a house where someone was either living solely on Diet Coke and sugarfree gum, or pigging out like there was no tomorrow. Some might think that this combination would cancel out - actually, it made me really, REALLY confused. As an adolescent, I became very depressed and had anorexic tendencies, because that was the only method I knew of for expressing misery. As I got older, I experienced a lot more issues with body image and accepting my body - and I have to say, these issues are still far from resolved. Even to this day, my mom will say infuriating things like, "You only ate one piece? Oh my God, I feel so horrible, since i ate two!" or "I really feel fat after eating that pudding," and she's saying this to her 220-pound daughter. I don't want to be nosy or invade her privacy, but I have asked how the discussions about her BDD have been going. "Not well," she replies. I don't mean to be out of line, but frankly, I'm feeling some anger and exasperation towards her. She knows the impact that her problems have had on me, she knows she needs to resolve this. I understand it won't happen overnight, but I honestly feel as though she isn't even trying. Because of her example, I can't look in the mirror today without feeling miserable. I feel like I can't measure up, like I'm some fat slob who just happens to be her daughter. I want her to accept me, but I feel like she never will unless I'm rail thin. It has even affected my weight loss strategies, because (and I know this is wrong) I realize now that I might be sabotaging my progress because I don't want to be a thin but horrible and judgmental person like her. Logically, of course I realize that "thin" doesn't automatically equate to being "horrible and judgmental." Psychologically, however, I fear that it's a different story. The only positive thing I can say that has come out of this is that, if I ever have children, I will NEVER do what she did. Maybe I'm doomed to be unhappy about myself, but my hypothetical kids certainly aren't. I wish I knew how to resolve this, but I can't figure out a solution. In all the years that I tried to lose weight, my mom would make insensitive remarks all the time, and my dad would just laugh at me. Consequently, I feel very alone and isolated regarding this issue. Sorry, I don't want this to be a pity story (honestly). It's what happens after a phone chat with my mom...

[Leed]

You know what my dear -- you are BEAUTIFUL just as you are!!! Who said that a woman has to be rail thin to be gorgeous??? Who made that a law? Who said that beauty was defined as "thin, slim, bony, about 105lbs, etc?" I don't see that in the dictionary. I'm a female, and to me, beautiful women come in ALL sizes, all shapes, and all colors. I certainly do NOT feel intimidated by any tall, skinny pretty woman who weighs only 95 lbs, and is a model. Bull. I'd rather see a 5'4" woman who weight 150lbs and wears a size 16! You get my drift. I'm only 5'2" the last time I was measured (I keep shrinking due to spinal troubles ) and I'm a bit overweight but I don't give a darn. Take me as I am, or go to H#$$. LOL

You know, sometimes we have to detach from our family because they are TOXIC. And it sounds to me like YOUR family is very toxic to YOU. When family, whether they are having mental problems or not, keep making statements that are extremely hurtful to us, it's time to move away from them --- to stop having frequent contact with them. You CANNOT continually put yourself thru that and expect to feel good about yourself!

So "wean" yourself away from the family -- you don't have to speak to Mom every day. You don't have to talk to Dad either. You're an adult -- why put yourself thru this? They'll get used to not hearing from you as often, and YOU will finally heal from the constant negative comments -- and maybe you'll find your self-esteem that you lost thru years and years of nasty barrages. You are BEAUTIFUL just as you are!!

Maybe some sessions with a therapist will get it into your head that you don't have to listen to those negative tapes that were bored into your brain -- you can ERASE those tapes, and play some new ones that say you are BEAUTIFUL! Make an appointment! God bless you and take care. BIG HUGS!!! Lee

[shezbut]

I'm sorry to read this indigo 1015,



I'm sure that your mom doesn't want you to feel this way towards yourself or your own body. I have struggled with my body perceptions as well, but I wouldn't ever want my daughters to feel bad about themselves as I express my own feelings towards myself. My point is that your mom may be so entwined with the concept of perfection, that she's accidentally hurting you and others in the process.

While I don't know her or your family, I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt and suggest that she's so devoted to perfection that she doesn't realize the pain that her behavior is causing others (like yourself).

You certainly aren't alone on this topic. A lot of people are hyper-sensitive on body image. Imo, it's a difficult issue for others not to take personally. As we all have bodies, and we all want to be considered fit or attractive. That doesn't mean that she wants to hurt you ~ I think that she's simply oblivious.

Have you tried expressing how you feel towards her, and seen her reaction? I mean, being perfectly honest about how her comments about herself put you down further? Is she willing to work on this issue to re-obtain a healthy relationship with you? I sure do hope that your mom is willing to both listen to your concerns and work on overcoming them.

Very best wishes to you!! ((((hugs))))

[IceCreamKid]

Are you able to get a therapist for yourself? That might help you cope better with your parents. You might also want to look into a group like Weight Watchers. The people there would be supportive and certainly would know the triggers and emotions that surround eating and food.

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Indigo --

I am sorry that you have to cope with this. I agree with Leed that skinny does not necessarily equal beautiful. Don't get caught in that trap of commercialism. Advertisers like stick women because they show off the product: no one is drooling over their bods.

I want to add a few words to what Leed said about weaning yourself from a toxic family. My mother was toxic, and I had to do that. I did not cut off contact entirely, but it was very limited.

Decades passed, and I had a counselor that helped me use simple cognitive conditioning to get my mom to say positive, supportive things and let her know directly why I would limit contact if she was negative.

During the last 5-7 years, I finally got the approval I had longed for all my life -- and I'm 64. I was the child who stayed with her day and night in the nursing home as she passed away. I never could have imagined doing that during the "weaning" years.

My point is this: Separating yourself from your family's negativity may be a growth stage and not something that has to last forever. When you are strong within yourself, you will be able to use strategies to better cope with them and even "retrain" them your way.

Good luck.