[Big Mama]

Hi yall! I had a concern about something about the way things are now and about how it seems I've been for many years. I have a complete lack of connection on an emotionl level with others. It would drive some of my T's even more crazy than it would me, that I would not cry. I was obviously in pain and emotional hurt but mo tears and no letting others in to comfort me. I was this way in my teen years and I'm still this way 25 years later.

This past week my H and I went to T together. We have some stuff to work on. His control my lack of emotion. I did get quite upset in the T's office talking about fear and intimidation, methods of my husband. The tears ran down my face but a disconnect from that to. When the T asked could my H hug me I said NO. Why? Why would I say that? I wanted physical contact at that moment but said NO. I feel like if he hugged me I would have certinly come unglued. I didn't want that. I think in some way that may hinder the closeness in our relationship. In someways I don't want comfort from the one who hurt me either. Is that so terrible? How will be get beyond these things if I don't allow physical contact.

For anyone who may not have followed any of my posts, I've been a sexual abuse and rape survivor. I'm in a controlling and possibly emotionally abusive relationship. I am afraid of my emotions. Some feelings and emotions are simply not accceptable. My upbringing has caused me to think that anger and disapointment are feelings that should be avoided and if you have them then it is BAD for lack of better words.

I don't know what kind of answer I'm looking for. I don't know if upbringing has something to do with this. I don't know if it is a learned behavior through repetitive rape and abuse and there being no pay off for tears. It could be just the individual, my H, that I don't want to share with because of his treatment of me. I had this before he came along though. Any one have an opinion or suggestion?

[unaluna]

my first reaction is, would a hug from your H feel safe or comforting? If you don't trust someone, you don't want to let them near you. I don't think you're disconnected; you are connected, and you know, feel that it's not a happy place.

[Wants2Fly]

I have not followed your history, Big Mama, so you must take what I write as coming from a place of ignorance.

My read was exactly the same as Hankster's.

Let me add this: I used to experience a sense of disconnect or being someone outside my own body when I was taking birth control pills. So you might look into whether any medication you are taking can have that effect.

You also might participate in activities and workshops that are about being in your body. Tai chi, yoga, and meditation have helped me to inhabit my body and emotions.

Hugs and hugs for you.

[Big Mama]

Thanks guys. Hankster your right hugs from someone you may not trust is not necessarly someone you want to let be near you.

W2F, that would be wants2fly. Yikes your initials are like mine BM. wonderful huh. BM, just call me S***. Anyway you have to laugh when you can. Sorry about that. Back to the issue at hand. Birth control can certinly make you crazy. I don't take any though. It causes more side affects than advantages. Plus you'd have to like the person your with to get preg. anyway. I guess I'm just frustrated. If you let the feeling out then you have to deal with them. Who wants to do that. I fear if they get out into the open I may not be able to turn them back off. Then what. At least if they are locked inside of me they are within my control as unhealthy as that form of control may be.