I feel like I have nothing.

I have nobody to talk to, no friends, no family to rely on, I am broke, jobless, soon I might even lose the Internet, so I won’t even have PC. Just fought with my therapist on the phone and almost hung up on her.

All I would like, all I want from someone, is to have some level of emotional support. Instead of someone saying, “No, you’re wrong, think like this…,” maybe someone could hug me and say, “It’s okay…I am here,” for once. Moreover, nobody has hugged me in like 3 years.

But, no, instead superficial and shallow people the world over won’t come within a 10 foot radius of me because apparently I am not a very good catch for a friend or as a person. I apologize for the inconveniences I cause others for existing, and to women because I am not the most confident, sexy, and charismatic person, failing the most “basic requirements,” that instead I am scarred all around my body from abuse, have difficulties with communication, and have self-esteem issues.

After all these years of nobody caring about me, of abuse, bankruptcy, depression, and loneliness, I have fragile hope for the future that is difficult to maintain, so it is a challenge for me to think that, hey, maybe in 20 years things will be different, maybe some magical things will happen and maybe even a woman will be able to tolerate me or find something good about me.

I am in a difficult place right now and I wish someone was here beside me that cared about me and understood how I was feeling.

[Leed]

I hope you know that *I* care, cause I've tried to tell you for quite some time! I know I'm not there, physically -- but I DO care. You ARE important to me as a friend. I know that we don't really know each other "deep down" intimately but I know i've told you some things that I wouldn't put out on the forum.

Just know that you have ME, if that matters. And I KNOW that you WILL find someone for a long-term relationship. It doesn't always happen in OUR time. Sometimes it happens in GOD'S time. Take care and God bless -- and remember I'm here whenever you want to talk. Hugs, Lee

Been there, done that..

Broke.
No job.
No bank account.
Sold my old PC for money.
All this last year.

Many years of depression and loneliness.
Physical pain everyday from a bad motorcycle accident.
Mental pain & anguish.
Many broken bones, surguries, metal rods in my bones.
No close relationship w/ woman in 20 years.
I also ask for that verbal hug from my therapist,
as I have no friends either.
It's harder for me at my age and past history of all these years.
You are young, and have many years ahead of you.
Give yourself time.
There are lot's & lots of bumps in the road for us fellow sufferers.

At my age, I'm just coasting now...
Living the rest of my life out with some contentness.

I'm too miserable to stay kicked down.
wanna kick that demon called depression with a fight.
Take a deep breath, find that intestinal fortitude, and
give it your best.
We're all here..

Everyone is differant, but thats what i do.

[Open Eyes]

((((V))),

I am so sorry you are feeling so alone right now. I wish we all lived closer in the PC world so we could line up and give you some much needed real hugs. You certainly have a lot of friends here at PC. We all see you as a very nice young man who is trying very hard to find some IRL friends too.

What happened to you taking a course to drive trucks? That sounded like a fun career. I would think it would be fun to drive trucks across country etc.

I am so sorry that your long time friend let you down. But to be honest from what you expressed that she said, I really think she is lonely too and feeling unworthy as anyone's friend. It sounds to me like she is doing bad and very low and feeling unworthy of anyone right now. I really don't think that it has anything to do with you.
You know, I have friends that I am distancing from, and I had an old friend call me a couple of weeks ago and I didn't call her back. I didn't call her back because she would not understand where I am right now, she knows me as that outgoing person I was before I developed PTSD. And because I know her, she is going to do the "just" game with me and that really just either gets me angry or triggered or very low right now. What I am working through is something I have to do on my own, it has become very clear to me that people who do not have PTSD do NOT understand what it means and it is a waste of time trying to explain it because they all begin with the "just gotta get over it, just gotta deal, just gotta move on, just get yourself going again, just be strong, just get up and do, just get out, just, just, just". And then EVERYONE always asks how many horses/ponies I have and they all say, you should "just get rid of all of that and take a vacation and do this and do that". And "that is too much for you now, you should "just" sell the farm and get a small place and spend more time with your husband". And the hard part about PTSD is that I honestly don't know "what" I want right now as far as what I want to do in my life. For the first time in my life I don't have a dream. The only dream I do have is getting this lawsuit over with and finally getting some "closure" and never having to hear or see my attorney again and never having to look at all the piles of papers that go along with all the injuries and losses I have. And one thing I WOULD like to see is my beautiful mustang finished in his training, I love to watch him perform and use his gifts. Sigh...

V, you have to find your way out that door somehow, that much I know. I still do my business on a low level and get myself out that door. At least I feel better once I am out there for a while.

What can someone do for you V? You have to do for you V, just like I am trying to work through my crap, because no one is here to really help me with that either. Right now I have all these dam papers and I am trying to sort through them and every day I try a little but I do get very depressed, flashback, and it is dam hard to keep looking at what I lost but I have to make an effort to add it all up somehow and present the numbers to my attorney. And "I" have to do that because he is old now and totally lost because he knows nothing about horses and my business.

I understand you wanting "IRL friends V" right now I don't really have that myself. And that is not really me, but I am not really all me right now either, I am slowly working on that. Apparently I have a bad case of PTSD and this lawsuit and my relationship with my attorney is really aggrivating it. And you know what I ask, "why could I have not found a better attroney than what I have?". I actually like the opposing attorney so much better, I think she would have been such a better match for me. Ugh. Sigh.... And you know what I hear all the time? Get another attorney, well I am tired of calling around and being told to try to keep on top of my attorney I have now because my case is so far along and yes whomever I call knows my attorney and he is good at it, well, I guess they have not seen him lately because he doesn't look good at all to me, he is old and forgetful and I do not know what is wrong with him that makes him shake so bad now that he cant even grab a piece of paper. Sigh...

I don't mean to whine on you V, but you are not alone in feeling alone and even needing a hug. Sometimes my husband does give me a hug but he also wants to know why I can't "just" and I try to tell him and he too comes back with a "just" and hey, I don't even know why I have bad days sometimes, why I get a tickle in the front of my brain and then get all confused in thoughts whenever I look at the dam paperwork. There has to be a reason why that happens and why I feel such a need to avoid it somehow. Yeah, because I end up depressed and cry when I make myself look at it all.

I know you to be a nice person, but all I can say V is get yourself going on something.
Get yourself out that door and try to go for driving lessons like you wanted.

I know that you hate hearing this, but you ARE still young enough to find something that can make you tick and want to get up and do, but you can't do that unless you keep pushing yourself out that door somehow.

Scars? I have have a huge scar from just shy of between my breasts all the way down to my lower female anatomy and there i have a strange scar where I had a drain. I don't even look at myself there anymore.
So you are not the only one with scars. But that was from life saving surgery where I had to be opened up to irrigate my body from toxins from a ruptured leaking appendix that turned into peritonitus. If I didn't have the scar I would not be typing this to you now.

((((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

i feel i have nothing to, and everything i try and do is never good enough for anyone.

i should write " fail" in capital letters on my head

seriously

[shezbut]

I am sorry Mr V.

I certainly wasn't ever trying to make you feel the way that you currently feel.

There aren't any other words that I can think of to reassure you ~ I wish that I could think of some! I guess that I'll just leave it at that : Sorry!!!!

Shez

Mr V, I care. You can write anytime. I hear you. We hear you...you are not alone. I was in a similar situation as you...I really do get it.

I know you feel absolutely horrible right now...I can relate to that too.

But you have reached out and expressed your thoughts and feelings and that is a whole lot. It takes courage to let your gusrd down and speak up.

We care. We are here.

Hugs to you, Rose

Oh pumpkin i hear your pain loud and clear

First of all you don't have nothing - you have me, i might not be much, but ill always be here and i want you to know that if i could reach outta the screen and hug you i would. I care about you more than you can imagine and i want you to know how i much ive enjoyed getting to know you and i love how knowledgable, honest and talented you are. Im proud to be your friend and i feel lucky to have you in my life. Please remember that

Mr V,
I've never read any of your threads before, this was my first one....but LOOK at how many people responded to you!! You are obviously looked upon with high regard on PC and a lot of people care about you. Everyone on PC are on here for similar reasons: support, caring, and in an attempt to not feel so alone. I know it isn't as good as a real hug, but I hope you gain at least a little bit of strength and comfort from that. You're not alone....

[lynn P.]

((Mr Venomous)) - I'm sorry you're hurting and fearing the future. I can see from your photography and the way you write about Middle East politics, that you're a talented person. You're also extremely knowledgeable about insects. I think you should look into being a professional photographer/working with cameras or working in a science center that has insect exhibits....something that shows your talent/knowledge.

You mentioned before you wanted to be a bus driver. Do you still want to do this? Try not to lose hope and the fact that you're nice and respectful...this is a good asset to have. I hope something good comes your way soon and know we care about you here.