[MutareLuxere5]

Manifestations of a Problem

It has become clear to me that I have some control issues. I see it in every part of my life. Professionally, I like to do things my way; academically, I am always the one who goes trough the paper, formats it, corrects it, because I don't trust it would be as good if someone else did it; in my relationship with my mother, I control the extent to which she can approach me and be close at every level and in the relationship with my boyfriend I tend to assert a certain domination, usually verbally.

Obviously, this has brought me a lot of issues at every part of my life: difficulty working as part of a team, a completely disfunctional relationship with my mother and a hard time with my boyfriend, who also as a quite controlling personality.

The Root of the problem

I suffered psychological and emotional abuse from 13/14 to 16/17, from an uncle who at the time became my mother's lover and my "tutor". At 13 he fist manifested his sexual interest in me, he reinforced when I was 15 - fortunatelly he never actually directly sexually abused me. At 15 he beat me to the point of uncounciousness (and I woke up still being punched in the face).
He is the most controlling, manipulative person I know and so I lived for 2 years feeling I couldn't trust anyone (not even my mother, because she didn't protect me), I lived in terror of possible sexual abuse and in terror of physical agression - I entered in survivor's mode: I was alert 24/7, I slept with a razor under my bed, I always slept with the most clothing on as possible and tied my pajama trousers, etc.

Solving the Issue

I've been in teraphy for 2 years and a half now. I'm still completelly clueless has to how to surpass the trauma.
I now realise that my controlling behaviour is possibly me trying to regain the control I once lost; that I un-learned how to deal with my inner emotions and so I need to control the exterior; that I lack trust in people and so it is difficult for me to expose myself to others, feeling that it would leave me at their mercy.

And so, I know the root, I know the effects and consequences but I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SOLVE IT; it's like I DON'T HAVE THE EMOTIONAL TOOLS TO DO IT.
I am so confused when confronted with this, WHAT DO I DO?

Anyone with input, similar situation or answers, please help.

Thank you.

[Leed]

Probalbly one reason you lack trust in people is because your mother didn't protect you. That's obvious, as well as your uncle and how he beat you unmercifully, and you had to be alert 24/7. This is all pretty obvious.

So you don't trust anyone.

It's going to be hard, but little by little you're going to have to START trusting. I think you've started with your therapist, correct? You trust him, is that right? So you've made a little progress there. Do you think you could start to trust your boyfriend WITHOUT dominating him? Do you think perhaps you could try to maintain this relationship on an "even keel?" Both of you should be equal partners -- this will be difficult for you since you're used to being the domineering one, but you will have to try to give him equal partnership.

You don't trust your mother obviously because she didn't protect you. Why not talk to her on a one on one basis, and tell her how you feel -- and then hopefully you can proceed on an ADULT level and an EQUAL level, without you domineering her. Again, you'd have to work on this.
But she's your mother, and I assume you LOVE her.

You don't want to proceed to fast with any of this. Try the two of them first, and see how it feels. If you can get thru the two of them you can get thru anyone. But treat people as equals, not underlings.

God bless you and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

I believe the controlling is a symptom of anxiety. My stepmother was extremely controlling and "taught" it to me through her actions/abuse (I had my own anxiety issues). Hopefully you have a therapist who doesn't get into will struggles with you. I was in therapy with the same therapist twice, for 9 years each with 9 years in-between (so roughly 30 years). I did learn to tell when I was controlling and let go some and be vulnerable, etc. but I can still be anxious and still be controlling; that will be with me always but I am more aware and can choose other ways now where it was too automatic before.

Therapy helped me break the automatic knee-jerk reactions, made me aware of what I am doing, when, so I can choose. It did not make what happened to me go away or be as if it did not happen or make it "okay", etc. It just helped me put the actual experience into my past, as part of my life and who I have become and helped me distinguish what is going on "now" from what happened then so I do not respond to now as if it were then, I have more space around me and the ability to choose, which is very nice and more comfortable.

Remember, it takes time. You had 4-5 years worth of intense, daily "training" and learned well; it won't get fixed in just a year or two worth of weekly therapy. You have to look for ways to practice who you want to be in the circumstances where it makes you uncomfortable; you have to deliberately let others go through the paper and edit it, realize that what you "learn" and who you are is not dependent on how well others do their job (even if you were to get a "B" because another did a sloppy editing job, you know what you know and are doing your own thing, not whatever someone else has asked of you or determined you "should" be doing). Practice looking beyond the immediate task to other possibilities. You need to learn you do not have to be the "best"/only, that having time off to work on something you enjoy more is worth not working so hard on this other task over here where you might get an okay, not great result, etc. Not only is there a lot we cannot control, there is even more we don't want/need to control! But you have to practice letting go, it won't come naturally to you.