Sorry but I need to write this down.

I can't stop crying, I feel terrible about myself, I feel alone and I hate myself.
I have cut myself again, I feel terribly low.

I don't see the point in living anymore.

[lynn P.]

((Tinkerbell)) - do you have a therapist to call or are you to the point where you might need in-patient care? Your kids need you and this would put a terrible burden on them. This time will pass so please remember that.

[CloudyDay99]

Hi Tinkerbell. I'm sorry you are in so much pain. I can relate to the self-loathing. I feel on the verge of tears today too. Sometimes I find it helpful to use a timer in this kind of situation. I will find some very small task and set the time for 5 minutes or so and say this is all I am going to think about - cleaning this sink or straightening this drawer or whatever - or even just sitting still for that time. That small amount of time of not thinking about my problems or what I perceive as my faults can sometimes help break my self-loathing episode.

I can see from your many posts that you are a very caring and compassionate person who has helped improve other peoples' days. I admire you reaching out like this and hope you know you are not alone.

[missbelle]

Who in your life has told you that you were bad......told you and taught you not to like yourself.....? I am so sorry........The media has of course a lot to do with it....and unfortunately when we are young we believe the media..like thin is good, be beautiful, be sexual...what a terrible thing. I bet if I met you I would find a beautiful person inside and out. Just the name you have used for yourself(tinkerbell) implies a cute gal, petite and in to lovely fantasy.......

I read some of your posts, see the pics.....you care, are sensitive,shy, emotional,....sounds like excellent qualites to me!!!

[SoupDragon]

(((Tinks))) - I am so sorry you are feeling so low at the moment and also feeling alone - please don't forget that there are a whole bunch of us on here who do care about you. Did you see your T today?

((((Tink))))

I am not a nice person at all, I am useless I am ugly and dirty. I did see my Pdoc today and saw my T yesterday, My pdoc was hopeless, I told him exactly how I was feeling and could I have a CPN he just said that therapy was best for me, I know maybe he is right but I never ask him for anything, Maybe if I take an overdose then they will take notice?

I am annoyed not just with them but with myself for being so honest, He just prescribed me sleeping tablets, I don't want to feel like a zombie, I feel bad enough as it is.

I have no fight left in me. My T I see again on Monday, I really don't like bothering her, she gave me a load of numbers to call if I need help but I am not sure if I am worth it.

[littlemssunshine]

You are ABSOLUTELY 1000000000000% worth it, Tinkerbell. You have so much beauty and so much worth. It breaks my heart that you can't see it, but I know that in time, you will. Your T really cares about you, as do all of we. I say call one of the numbers she gave you and see if someone can help. We are all here to listen, too!

You are amazing and you have done so many great, kind things just by posting and being a loving member of the PC community. You have a great heart, dear, and I really believe that you will get to the point where you can fully live and enjoy each day, knowing how wonderful you are, flaws and all. I really hope that you reach out to your T (she will *not* see you as a bother, I promise) and/or those numbers.

Love,
Sunshine

[xxxispillcoffeexxx]

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell.

Sorry but I need to write this down.

I can't stop crying, I feel terrible about myself, I feel alone and I hate myself.
I have cut myself again, I feel terribly low.

I don't see the point in living anymore.

You are your own worst critic, give yourself some slack, help yourself nothing in life is perfect or worthless. You have strength to overcome this. You are thinking in black and white.

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell.

I am not a nice person at all, I am useless I am ugly and dirty. I did see my Pdoc today and saw my T yesterday, My pdoc was hopeless, I told him exactly how I was feeling and could I have a CPN he just said that therapy was best for me, I know maybe he is right but I never ask him for anything, Maybe if I take an overdose then they will take notice?

I am annoyed not just with them but with myself for being so honest, He just prescribed me sleeping tablets, I don't want to feel like a zombie, I feel bad enough as it is.

I have no fight left in me. My T I see again on Monday, I really don't like bothering her, she gave me a load of numbers to call if I need help but I am not sure if I am worth it.

((((Tink)))) I know you are having a REALLY rough go of it right now. I am so sorry you are hurting so much.

I cannot say I know exactly how you feel cuz that would be horribly presumptuous, but I can relate. It hurts. Everything hurts. It hurts all over.

I KNOW that you are strong. Stronger than you give yourself credit for and that you can - and will -get through this.

Honey, you have been through so much. Truly. It is good that you are speaking, writing, communicating. Get out your feelings, say whatever it is to say, to whomever you need to say it to...whatever you need to do to keep moving forward.

I know you feel absolutely horrendous right now and it's painful but we are here and we care lots and are encouraging you to just keep going. If it's only an inch. That is OK.

Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. You are not alone and you will get through this.

Rose

[lynn P.]

I don't know if this helps at all but I've had several family deaths over the years - one thing I noticed is, any past family hurts resurface during grief for some reason.......feels like emotional scabs are revealed and all the memories flood in. It also helped me to vent to my older brother. I know you feel bad your family didn't call you soon enough. Depression has a way of making you feel awful about yourself.

I understand you're in intense emotional pain and you want relief. Right now you need to care for yourself which is hard when you're depressed. Pretend you're caring for a best friend - for the next week put these feelings on hold, eat healthy and go for some walks. When a persons in severe pain they want a solution, but usually not able to find one, which creates incredible frustration - this leads to desperation. For now try to accept its bad but treat yourself good - force yourself to eat good and go out. Make it your goal to be better than your mom and a better mother. I can tell you from experience, that strength came when I was a my lowest point. Even though you don't think you have any, its there.

I have cut myself 3 times already tonight, I am going to look at my self help sheets what my T gave me.

I feel so hopeless about myself like I don't deserve anything, lynn good point as that is what T said to me about pretending that I am caring for a friend and what would I do if my friend was like this? I will give it a try, I am kind of numb and I am running out of hope.

[lynn P.]

((Tinkerbell)) - pleae don't injure yourself anymore. I really like you and care about you. I pray tomorrow will be better for you. Be careful with sleeping pills -they can be habit forming.

[plumapplepear]

It is very painful to read your posts because you feel so bad about yourself and that self-hatred is deep in your thoughts that cutting yourself and feeling pain stops the emotional grief. You are not the person you think you are you are loving and kind but you need to find a way to believe that. Negative thoughts feed on one another and soon you are so low. If you can find something anyting to stop those thoughts even a mantra i am a good person or a song that is happy tomplay over and over to block out the negative. Please be kind to yourself.

[dailyhealing]

Tinkerbell, I'm so sorry that you are hurting so much. At the same time I am thankful that you are sharing it here with us. It gives me hope actually. I believe that as we work through that pain and self hate that we can get to a better place. I certainly hope that happens for you. For what it's worth I think you are very kind and lovable. You deserve to be loved. I hope you are in a better space soon.

[shezbut]

(((tinkerbell)))

You are going through SUCH a rough time right now. A lot of intense emotions and memories feeding your self-hate and misery. I really understand the emotions that you're fighting...but you do deserve so much better honey. You just aren't allowing yourself to see that fact yet.

I wish that I could help ease your pain somewhat. It isn't that easy though, is it? Remind yourself that so many members of this site truly care about you and hold a piece of you in their hearts (like me). If I can ever help you somewhat, don't hesitate to contact me. Okay? Gentle hugs sent your way, tink!

((((Tink)))) just wanted to check in to see how you are doing today

[AngelWolf3]

Thinking of you today, and hope you are doing better?

[Miss Laura]

Hey Tink,

How do you feel today?

Definately look into calling those numbers your T gave you. Can't believe your Psych isn't even prepared to look into a CPN. Least you have yout T and your seeing her again on Monday that is not too far away just remember that ok!

Huggggggs!!!

Thanks.

I didn't sleep at all last night, I have only cut myself once tonight which isn't that bad.
I am writing my thoughts down, My T and I agreed that this will be a good idea.

I do feel a little better than I did yesterday, Tomorrow I have a meeting with my daughters school as I want her moved to a school that will meet her needs, I have no idea how this will go, I have not sent her to school since I found out she has autism as she is not coping in a mainstream school.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Tink!!

Ye I would keep writing in your diary even if you feel you can't. I always find it helps me out if I can at least put something down on paper.

Surely your Local Authority can place your Daughter in a special needs school or something. We have Autism sections in a few school's up here.

Where would you like her to go? Can you not email the school? Has she not got an educational psychologist?

No she hasn't got a educational psychologist? meeting today well we agreed that she will go to school just a couple of hours each day until new school comes available.

I am going to quit the mental health service they are a waste of time, I tried asking them for help but they refused, Wouldn't mind but it was the first I asked.

Today has been so stressful, I am fed up with it all.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Tink,

Who assessed your Daughter? I would of thought she would of had an Educational Psychologist? If she does have Autism then she needs structure

You need help Tink!! We all care about you!!

xxx

[whatbeanbelieved]

(((((((((((((Tinkerbell)))))))))))))

I know you a little bit and I'm so grateful for that connection. I just want to say... it's not all hopeless. You haven't lost or failed. You have gone through a really difficult time and survived it. You are now going to face the aftermath, which is often more difficult and more prolonged. It's okay to not be okay for a while. It's okay to let go and be sad. But you're precious and loved. You are needed because there are specific things that only you can do. Please do take care of yourself. But know also that a temporary slip up is NOT the end of the world - you have not failed, you are strong because you've come this far. Many hugs, Tink...