[Hatter08]

I hope I'm posting this in the right place.

I have always felt so numb. I have never really experienced most emotions, at least as far as I can tell. I get angry and then go from that to depression to anxious but I don't know what it's like to be happy, excited, to love someone. I mean, I say it all the time but it never feels different to me than everything else does. In fact, usually the people I say it to, I completely hate. I have these friends that I despise, everything about me is anger.

Lately, that's all that gets my heart beating. Being angry or violent. Though I really don't think I would ever hurt someone. I consider myself to be a good person on a basic level but somehow that's coupled with this completely different 'me.' I mean, I have always been raised to respect women, to be kind to others, treat them as others would want to be treated and somehow that's still a part of me too. But then there's this misanthropic state of mind I can't seem to escape. It's like I know what I'm supposed to believe and I play the part but I'm so angry and violent and love to think about doing things but really don't think I ever would.

It's just, we live in a world where the evil and manipulative are actually admired for being evil and manipulative. Then, there's the good people who get walked all over and I'm tired of it. I don't know who the 'real' me is, since both of these halves are so completely opposite. But I'm growing to love this 'evil' side of me even more than the nice one.

[Leed]

Hi dear Hatter ~ I agree that in this country there ARE those in powerful positions that ARE manipulative and who DO use others for their own advantage and who DO walk all over people. I think that's true of any country tho. I'm not sayiing that it's right at all. I'm just saying that it happens. We try to change things but it's very difficult.

You need to see a therapist, Hatter. In order for the REAL you to be able to come out, you must see your medical doctor and have him refer you to a good psychologist for therapy. Do this as soon as possible, ok? You won't regret it, I promise. I was in therapy most of my adult life, but I've since "graduated." LOL It was the best thing I've ever done for myself.

I wish you the very bbst. Let us know when you start therapy, and please keep posting, ok? We do care about you. Hugs, Lee

[Hatter08]

Thanks. I just don't know if I'll ever be able to trust a therapist. I've had other counselors who just locked me up in rehabilitation centers and that didn't help. All they did was put me on meds so much that I couldn't even think. I can't afford to go back there again. That was horrible!

[Leed]

Don't go to a psychiatrist == go to a psychologist!! I like them better anyway! They don't just sit there and look at you like you're nuts. They give you feedback, and guide you. I've always preferred psychologists, and I got WELL by a psychologist's help. And they CAN'T lock you up. LOL

So get a referral to a good psychologist. You won't regret it. Most of them are GREAT! Hugs, Lee

[Hatter08]

I never really understood there was a difference. I'll definitely work on that as soon as I can afford it. Thanks a lot.

hatter08, a psychiatrist is a doctor and can prescribe medication. A psychologist is not a doctor and can not write scripts.

[valyn9]

I get frustrated at myself for being too nice or not standing up for myself and so make a point to be more assertive ... and after awhile find I'm being aggressive and kind of a douche and don't like who I am and make it a point to be more like what I started with. It goes on and on JUST trying to eek out a LITTLE of the best of both and be a better person.

They're opposite, but it's like you have to carve skin all the way around the orange to get fruit. Life will make you into every possibility slowly making you yourself.

It's just, we live in a world where the evil and manipulative are actually admired for being evil and manipulative. Then, there's the good people who get walked all over and I'm tired of it.

Go on and be like them then. Because that'll fix it! No, life isn't fair. That's the way it is. Everyone suffers, but you don't have to be a victim about it.

"Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it."

It's YOUR narrative. YOU'RE the one spinning it into what it is for you. It's up to YOU to rewrite it if you don't like it!

[Hatter08]

To justify, I never meant to sound like I wanted to be one of those horrible people because they're admired for it and I want to be admired for it too. I have a real issue phrasing what I'm trying to say. It was more like, I've always been that good person but continue to be treated like crap because of it, like you said about being more assertive. I do everything I can to be a good person still but that doesn't mean there's not this darkness inside of me that wants to hurt people. I'm just fighting it all the time. I would like to thank everyone for their help. As soon as I can get on my feet I will work on getting access to a psychologist and I do understand the need to fight back, it's just hard when you don't know who you are.