[MikeDelta]

Because then i wouldnt give a you know what....

I posted a few months back about the relationship problems with my mother/family. Since then i thought things would get better....wrong!

Needless to say i've been having a struggle with my emotions. Constantly fighting myself and trying to convince myself nothing is wrong, its all in my head...... but part of me screams back, its a lie....

I've fallen into a deep depression again and cant get out, I was doing good for a few months, happier than i am now anyways, but its gotten to the point where i am having suicidal thoughts again. I swear my emotions are always fighting up, down, all around... I no intention on acting them but its exhausting. Living this way on a daily basis. I am always putting up a front for people, few people know i have issues, most believe i am some happy, giggly goofball... I dont know what to think anymore... the few friends i have talked to tell me i should get help. I havent bothered trying to tell my mother. I just dont know.

Im worried im going to lose my job if i see behavioral health but i think i may have hit the breaking point this morning. I woke up from a nightmare balling my eyes out and full of terror. I dreamed i thought i had my best friend had died, by suicide. I was terribly upset and then at the very end i found out she was alive and i woke up. It was enough to throw my whole day. I think this dream was a way for me to see what i'll do to my best friend if i ever lose my battle to depression...just thinking about it makes me want to cry... I've talked to a couple of helplines they all tell me the same thing. I just dont know, im scared i guess... Can anybody relate to this emotional struggle? or give me any advice?

[Leed]

Mike, you've got to get into therapy! Continuing this battle like this is only going to drive you further and further into a deep depression that you may not be able to get out of by yourself. Plus the other issues that you've mentioned are going to become more severe too!

PLEASE -- call your medical doctor and get a referral to a GOOD therapist. The sooner you do this, the better, Mike. This isn't sometbing you want to put off. Do it today.

I hope the next time we hear from you, you're in therapy! You really need to be. Keep us posted, will you? We do CARE. Hugs, Lee

Originally Posted by MikeDelta

Because then i wouldnt give a you know what....

I posted a few months back about the relationship problems with my mother/family. Since then i thought things would get better....wrong!

Needless to say i've been having a struggle with my emotions. Constantly fighting myself and trying to convince myself nothing is wrong, its all in my head...... but part of me screams back, its a lie....

I've fallen into a deep depression again and cant get out, I was doing good for a few months, happier than i am now anyways, but its gotten to the point where i am having suicidal thoughts again. I swear my emotions are always fighting up, down, all around... I no intention on acting them but its exhausting. Living this way on a daily basis. I am always putting up a front for people, few people know i have issues, most believe i am some happy, giggly goofball... I dont know what to think anymore... the few friends i have talked to tell me i should get help. I havent bothered trying to tell my mother. I just dont know.

Im worried im going to lose my job if i see behavioral health but i think i may have hit the breaking point this morning. I woke up from a nightmare balling my eyes out and full of terror. I dreamed i thought i had my best friend had died, by suicide. I was terribly upset and then at the very end i found out she was alive and i woke up. It was enough to throw my whole day. I think this dream was a way for me to see what i'll do to my best friend if i ever lose my battle to depression...just thinking about it makes me want to cry... I've talked to a couple of helplines they all tell me the same thing. I just dont know, im scared i guess... Can anybody relate to this emotional struggle? or give me any advice?

MikeDelta,

I normally post ridiculous responses on these threads, but I can feel the earnest fear and confusion behind your words and will not make light in my response to you.

I have always relied on my stomach to tell me what my mind sometimes fails to say. After reading your concerns, my gut feels honest worry for you.

I believe that you have the true definition of depression. A feeling of helplessness that is not the effect of outer influences, but instead its source manifests from within, causing what may normally be considered simple human conflicts to pile upon your already strained emotions.

Your worries about your employment should hold far less importance than your worry that you have finally "hit the breaking point."

Normally, I suppose I would consider myself a 'honey badger' as you described, but in your case I feel very much different.

Please make at least one appointment to talk with someone, Mike. Really. It's okay.

Sincerely,

-Fleeing Bellocq

hope you feel better soon mike.

good luck

[MikeDelta]

Thank you. It's sucks being honest, but i know you're all correct..... I went to a Concert monday to see my one of my favorite bands and gave me some time to reflect, so i am doing a little better. (Course i also found out that my car was broken into and i had a lot of stuff stolen which made me violently angry all night and tired, but thats beside the point). Needless to say I may see a chaplain this week and ask for a referral to BH. My friend told me if i didnt go she'd fly down to where i live and drag me into the office, because shes worried about me. I really need to stop dragging my feet. I'll see if i can muster up the courage to ask for help... ( i really hate that) and post back

[jelly-bean]

Good Luck Mike! There's no shame in asking for help. The shame is when you don't and the results are bad. Everyone needs help from time to time. Some of us just need it a little bit more than others. Your friend cares and so do we. Please keep us posted!

[MikeDelta]

I still dont get it though, Why am i so recluctant to try and get help? Why do i sit here and let myself suffer silently? Why can't i see i have a problem? Why do i care what others think? why am i letting my fears get the best of me? why do i try to convince myself i am overreacting? I wish i knew the answer to this puzzle..... Sorry for rambling, i am just extremely tired, and frustrated at the moment...

MikeDelta,

Glad to hear you responses. Was curious how you were doing. Glad to hear you'll be seeing chaplain. Sounds like a great place to begin.

Take Care,

-Fleeing Bellocq