How screwed up am I?

I did something terrible, and life changing a long time ago. I'm not sure this is the right place for this but I think only a woman would understand.

My H and I do not get along to this day, nothing new. But at the beginning of all of this not getting along mess, we were on the verge of divorce. My H went out of town on weekends for work (gladly). That was part of what saved our marriage. But he made life such a living hell and I had two small children to raise w/ out much help from him I did something I wish I would have never done. I told myself that if I were pretty and attractive I could make another man happy. Another man would want me. I needed to stay w/ the man I was married to for if nothing else religious reasons. So I could not trust myself in the presence of others to be so miserable emotionally and wanting to seek emotional support that could easily lead into immoral things. So I gave in to my worst enemy, FOOD. I quickly put on weight. I knew that my H agrees to the same moral standards I do regarding marriage. If I was a "big girl" no one else would want me so that stopped my need to stray and find love. To find someone who really wanted me because my H sure didn't. Little did I know that one step in the wrong direction would lead quickly to a path of self destruction. I am certainly a "big girl" now and my H did stay but not because he wanted to but because it was the right thing to do. Now I am stuck with this body and I can't seem to get the body I used to have back. I turned into an emotional eater. I have alot of issues and fears where my H is concerned and the struggle to be thinner is like fighting a losing battle. I feel bad enough because this battle can't be won. But I feel worse because I created this mess. How sick and twisted is it that I actually thought adding a few lbs would make me remain faithful to my H. If I put on a few lbs no on would want me. It never occurred to me at the time it wouldn't help my relationship issues. It would keep me at home where I belonged but in ALL the wrong ways. I am so sickened by what I have done. It eats away at me slowly. I hate me and what I have done to me. I can't forgive myself and don't know how to handle what my little brain thought was a good idea at the time. I don't know what is worse, what I have become or what a screwed up since of reality I had at the time.

Sweetie, maybe the reason you did it was wrong, but YOU aren't wrong just because of your body size. YOU aren't disgusting just because you're a big girl. YOu are still YOU. You are beautiful!!!! You are still the same person you were all along!!! Nothing has changed that. You're still a kind, moral, loving, beautiful woman you were all along! Nothing will EVER change that.

Please dont beat yourself up for that. Okay, so the reason you put the weight on was a bit twisted. lol But that's over and done with, okay? You don't have to keep beating yourself up for that. You didn't want to cheat -- you should be applauded for that. You needed some kind of comfort so you turned to food like many of us do.

Dearheart -- try going to a therapist. Believe me, he/she can help you both with the marital issues, but with your own issues of weight and self-loathing. You really need to talk to someone about this. And perhaps somewhere in there, you and your husband can talk as a couple to this therapist as you two need some marital counseling too. I don't know what your issues are, but why live in misery when it can be fixed? Call a good therapist -- perhaps your doctor can rrecommend one.

I wish you the very best. Please take care of yourself and God bless. Hugs, Lee