[Yoda]

debated putting this in grief and death forum but four of the people I speak of are still alive so I thought that might cast a shadow on their lives, you know?


2012 is becoming the year of loss and death.

It started with the death of my beloved horse, Dusty. He was my best friend ever and I still mourn his death. There will never be another horse like him.

Then the wild dogs killed two of my cats by evisceration, one of whom was pregnant. Very sad and very angry but didn't compare to the loss of Dusty.

Shortly thereafter my cat, Marla, had five kittens. One born dead, three died within a week and the last died when he was two weeks olds despite me using a water bottle warm him and giving him extra kitty milk. Marla lost weight so I put her on special food and the vet gave her antibiotics when she developed a cough/wheezes. I put her on the porch one day after she was hiding in a dark corner and went 'round the house shutting closet doors and rooms where she could get behind stuff where I couldn't reach her. I went to the porch and she was gone and she has never returned. Previously she was an indoor/outdoor cat and didn't think she would go away but I beat myself up anyway.

Just animals you say....

In May my uncle died after a long illness. I am really amazed he lived so long because his health was poor for years (EF = 15% ten years ago). But he clearly had a strong will to live. Nevertheless he is dearly missed by my aunt and our family.

His daughter was in a vehicular accident several years ago and had a brain injury that changed her personality. The once kind girl became mean, a thief, and was in and out of jail at least fifteen times following the accident. Sad but how do you fix a brain injury? A month after we buried her father she committed suicide.

Now my cousin has lung cancer. He was diagnosed just a few months but chemo/rad did not work. He was admitted to the hospital again this week for worsening dyspnea. He isn't dealing with it well emotionally at all. He doesn't want to be put on a ventilator. But he doesn't want to have a DNR order. He is afraid to go to sleep because he is afraid he won't wake up. He is afraid to die. Today he agreed to return home to die with hospice. His wife and children are constantly with him and his extended family has been with him much of this week.

His mother's breast cancer has returned and she had a mastectomy last month. She doesn't want to live. She says she wants a double funeral. Her pain is controlled but she simply has no will to live. So unfair. She is 80 and ready to die and her son is 55 and wants desperately to live.

And I have another aunt in Georgia who has been in and out of the hospital and nursing home with brief bits of time in her own home this year. I am afraid she will die before I ever get to see her again. She has been a good aunt to me and I will miss her. A few years ago she told me I was the easiest kid she ever had to babysit. I have always had a fascination with animals and she said when I was at her house I would ask her to tie me to the leg of her kitchen table and put a bowl of water on the floor and I would pretend I was a dog. Yeah, I've always been eccentric.

Our family are good people and we are close. It is taking its toll on us and I personally am exhausted. I worry about my mother who has multiple illnesses herself and I worry her cirrhosis of the liver is becoming end stage. Her doc showed me a picture of her liver several months ago when she had a cholecystectomy and I haven't seen a lot of livers but hers was fatty and not a healthy pinkish color. I asked her later to ask her physician if she was a candidate for a liver transplant, that I would donate part of my liver if so but she said she didn't think she would survive the surgery.

All I know to do is to be with them and bring food. I don't know if it is just our Appalachian culture but when people die we gather and bring food to the home. When I was young we had the wake at the home of the dead person with the dead person in their bed as if they were sleeping. I don't see that style much anymore. I'm just too wiped out to cook but Penn Station has a sub platter that I can pick up and bring some lemonade and iced tea.

I don't know how long before the impending deaths of my cousin and aunt. And I am concerned for my mother. I think my sister had a premonition perhaps because in the summer she cut her RN work hours from full time to part time which I thought unusual at the time since she is in her early 40's and healthy herself. Now I'm thinking she wanted to spend more time with mom. Fortunately I have not returned to work yet so I have had all this week free and have slept so much of it that my son came to my room to check on me because he hasn't seen me much.

I am not a religious person so won't ask for prayers but send positive vibes if you wish.

Thinking about you Yoda... don't forget to take care of you too

[Raindropvampire]

That is a ton to deal with. I'm so sorry and will definitely do my best to send good vibes your way. Life just has a way of piling it on doesn't it? It'd be so nice if just one thing would happen at a time. You could deal with it then move on to the next. And they are not just animals to some of us. I've had two times in my life that I actually felt when my pet died. I knew it in my heart when it happened. Anyone who tells you "Oh it's just an animal you'll be fine." doesn't understand.

Most of my family is from down south and that is indeed the way we deal. We stay together, are there for each other and bring lots of food. Where my Granddaddy lives we still have the viewing at the home and the family digs the plot themselves. Most people don't understand that. I thought my kin were the last of a forgotten time. I'm surprised that there are others that remember those old traditions.

Once again you have my deepest sympathy for what you are going through. I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with

(((Yoda))) you have had so much grief to deal with It was heartbreaking reading this
I am so sorry that you have had a terrible year, Losing a pet is like losing a part of the family, When my last dog died which was some years back I cried for weeks.

I am sending you positive vibes Yoda and you're in my thoughts

[Sabrina]

Will be thinking of you Yoda.

[sugahorse1]

Wow - that's a lot for one person to deal with. Thinking of you

[splitimage]

I'm sorry Yoda,

That's an awful lot to deal with. Sending positive thoughts your way.

splitimage

[possum220]

(((((Yoda))))) So much.... Too much...

My thoughts are with you.

Sending lots of force to you Yoda ((((((Yoda))))))

[shezbut]

((((Yoda))))

I am sorry to hear about all of these troubles plaguing you and your loved ones. Losing your cat and it's kittens is heartbreaking in itself! I am completely serious ~ I can't imagine going up against all of these stressors. Especially in such a short period of time!

Regarding your cousin's suicide, following her father's death (and her traumatic brain injury), I have lots of emotions tied to that subject as well.

I hope that you feel a little better, now that you've gotten these feelings off your chest. I usually feel a little better when I share issues that are tormenting me. Especially when I receive supportive and understanding posts in response! My thoughts are with you. Gentle hugs sent your way.

[Yoda]

My cousin died at a hospice center. He was surrounded by family. When he first arrived there he would doze off then awaken in a panic saying, I don't want to die, I don't want to die. The final two days he slept mostly and had garbled speech when he did awaken. He continued to receive morphine and ativan IV. No way could I be a hospice nurse. Or even worse a peds hospice nurse.