[Sila]

Just a rant before I try to sleep...

Rewind months ago, and I met this one person out of nowhere online through a game/"virtual world" of sorts kinda like IMVU. Whatever. We talked a bit, went on our way, but something kept us coming back. We ended up becoming best of friends, and closer than ever. We were like sisters. We told each other everything, were there for one another. When she went to the hospital for sepsis, I was there to text her and talk with her and keep her company as best I could from miles away. She's in NJ, I'm in FL. We did everything we could together, even did laundry over skype together and laughed about who could get done faster. We were tight friends.

I knew she had been having some trouble with an ex online, and we were talking about it. She knew I was there for her, just like she had been there for me when I hit a bout of depression. But all of a sudden she just...stopped coming online. She seemed to have deleted me and my bf off of facebook, blocked us, and hadn't logged into skype at all, nor said game. I tried to text her, but for days no reply. I tried to call her, and I got a standard message about the phone number not being in service anymore. I talked with her friends, all who had no clue what was going on. I felt terrible inside. Abandoned and betrayed, above all. First I was worried, but then the rest came.

A week or two went by, and I talked with my T about how I still could not get over how upset I was over it. We came up with a few ideas and I worked through them, and finally started to feel "okay". Not happy, obviously, but not desperate and downright depressed. Then hurricane sandy hit, and I paniced because she lived in NJ and I had no clue how to get in touch with her and see if she was alright from the storm. Some how, I still cared. I still wanted her to be alright. But my heart was already broken, and my feelings hurt. It took everything I had to trust her with my heart and it felt like she just threw it away like it never mattered.

Here I am, FINALLY starting to "move on" and find other ways to occupy my time per my T's suggestion. And just now, as I'm about to go to bed, I get an IM from one of her friends saying they just talked to her on the phone.

WTF? I couldn't get through her phone, how were they able to? And why did she call them instead of leaving me a message anywhere? Now I don't know what to feel. She told that friend that she was temp banned from the game, and took a break offline for a while. But that doesnt' explain why she blocked me on facebook, deleted me, and never replied to any of my messages before that...

I'm confused to all hell now, I don't want to bug my T because I want to be a big girl and solve this myself. But I feel so confused and so lost. Depressed, abandoned, hurt. Hopeful? Scared. Confused. I don't know if I'll be able to believe her reasoning if I even find any out. I have no reason TO believe her, but no reason NOT to believe her. If that makes sense?

I just don't know what to feel anymore! Friendships are very hard for me to make in general. I'm having to put specific boundaries up to even TRY to make friends again. I have to walk on eggshells so to speak. I've never felt more comfortable with someone other than my partner and the few RL friends I have, than I did with her. I felt like we could talk about anything- and we did! Even things that are "TMI" to other people, we sat and laughed about. We had deep conversations. Funny meaningless conversations. Etc. Someone who "got" me. Ugh. I need to sleep.

-goes under covers and sighs in confusion-

[-jimi-]

There is always a lot we don't know about people. And this is not an online thing. I lost a childhood friend after many, many years just because I put her in a situation she couldn't cope with, so suddenly saw a new side to her, and yea after all those years...

If people simply don't tell us the reasons for their actions, we're just left guessing. I know that is not what we want but what can we do? Some people simply won't say, some will even lie about it.

I've seen so many people I saw as friends suddenly acting all weird... Yea, I don't have many friends left... kind of makes one question what friendship really IS.

[Sila]

Well..confirmed now about 99% that she did indeed up and leave me without a word. Sigh... Why must it happen to me.

I wrote her a nice little letter and emailed it, and logged out.. I can't handle this anymore. I'm in pieces, I'm sobbing and even my bf can't comfort me. It's way too late to call my T, and I don't even know how to talk to her about this. I think I should give her a call tomorrow but I really don't want to break down on the phone with her...I haven't cried yet around her..

You know...you could've at least said something to us. Instead of hiding...deceiving and breaking my heart in half. I thought I knew you to be better than this...I trusted you with everything. I trusted you with my heart and my feelings. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Wasn't I there for you when you needed someone to talk to? Someone to complain at, vent, etc.. Someone who cared about you, your kids, your family. Someone who saw you as more than just an online name, but as a real person. I guess I wasn't good enough after all.. I guess you removing me from your friendslist, and blocking me on facebook, is your way of saying you don't care anymore about me? I wish I could just have answers. I can't move on until I know the truth. :/

[Sila]

UGH and now I get a message from her on facebook after all this time and she apologized and she explained everything and it's exactly what I thought had happened in the very beginning. I don't know WHAT to feel anymore! T_T Depressed? Hopeful? happy? scared? How do I do this?

It's normal to be confused and have conflicting feelings during a time like this Silly. ie. hopeful and scared and hurt and angry. I honestly would feel the same. It's very difficult to deal with people trodding on our emotions, especially when we put ourselves out their in all our vulnerable glory only to feel as if we've been victim to a sick game. I've been there.
Fortunately, you're forgiving and kind. I would suggest to have a heart to heart with your friend (can be on the phone or via IM), explain how her actions made you feel...if she made a sincere apology I think that's worth something. If she wants you as a friend, however, she'll have to be held accountable too (take responsibility for her actions). If you don't know how to go about this, ask a friend or consult your T. How to effectively communicate your feelings without bringing more emotions into play? How to maintain a friendship with fear of the same thing happening again?
Definitely talk with your T, write it in your journal if you dont know how to describe it.

Sending much love to you.
Feel free to PM anytime.