[hezaa82]

I always thought it was healthy to talk about your feelings and your problems. I recently had a falling out with almost all of my friends over me talking about my problems too much. The shock of losing all my friends forced me to realize that I was talking about my problems in an unhealthy way. I was using it to get attention and to shield myself from ever getting criticized (you can't criticize me because I'm damaged, I can't help it). I read somewhere that talking about your problems can be an addictive behavior and maybe it was an addiction for me.

I've realized that my old habits were bad but now I don't know what to replace them with. I'm trying to patch things up with my friends, and I should be grateful that they seem probably willing to take me back. But obviously I can't go back to talking about my problems all the time. Before I was talking about my problems in a manipulative way but now I want to honestly talk about what I'm going through. I'm doing a lot of thinking and trying to change my whole life. So my question is, how do I handle having to keep all this to myself?

I have a counselor to talk to but it's not quite the same as talking to a friend you know? I'm afraid of going too far in the other direction and just not talking to anyone about anything. It makes me feel bad about myself that I don't have anyone I can go to when I have a crisis. I feel like a failure, since most people I know and most people you see on tv or in movies have people they can turn to when they're in trouble.

My counselor said to ask lots of questions to my friends about their lives and keep the focus on them, and to just sit through the anxiety I'll feel. I emailed one of my friends who I'm trying to patch things up with, and I tried to sound really happy and carefree, and sure she responded well but it's like I'm being rewarded for not being true to myself... I thought being true to yourself was always best.

[moodiegirl]

Hi hezaa,
you could try keeping a journal and put your feelings and problems there? Just a thought... That doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to your friends about your feelings and problems at all, just try to find balance between expressing too much and to little. I know it's hard, I tend to have similar problems when I'm feeling to well/manic - talking too much etc. Good luck!

[Leed]

I rarely EVER tell my friends about my problems. If I do, it's something really HUGE, and even then I sometimes keep even THAT to myself. I prefer to listen. I'm a great listener, and they appreciate that. They know they can come to ME with their problems and I'll listen and advise.

There have only been a couple of times in many years that I've had to ask advice of my friends, and then it was a HUGE problem. If it's anything else or other large problems, save them for your therapist. Your friends will appreciate that. Friends don't like to constantly hear about our problems. They begin to think of us as WHINERS -- which we aren't, but that's what they think. They just don't understand the life of someone with mental illness.

So try not to talk to your friends about your problems much. If you have ONE trusted friend whom you can talk to about things, that would be good. I do have one friend that I've known for almost 60 years -- I'm 63, and I met her when I was 4. We've been thru everything together, including deaths, divorces, illnesses, you name it. She knows everything about me and I do her too. So if you have a friend like that, then talk to her.

I wish you the very best. I hope things are good for you right now. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Originally Posted by Leed

I rarely EVER tell my friends about my problems. If I do, it's something really HUGE, and even then I sometimes keep even THAT to myself. I prefer to listen. I'm a great listener, and they appreciate that. They know they can come to ME with their problems and I'll listen and advise.

There have only been a couple of times in many years that I've had to ask advice of my friends, and then it was a HUGE problem. If it's anything else or other large problems, save them for your therapist. Your friends will appreciate that. Friends don't like to constantly hear about our problems. They begin to think of us as WHINERS -- which we aren't, but that's what they think. They just don't understand the life of someone with mental illness.

So try not to talk to your friends about your problems much. If you have ONE trusted friend whom you can talk to about things, that would be good. I do have one friend that I've known for almost 60 years -- I'm 63, and I met her when I was 4. We've been thru everything together, including deaths, divorces, illnesses, you name it. She knows everything about me and I do her too. So if you have a friend like that, then talk to her.

I wish you the very best. I hope things are good for you right now. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

lead,

that's really cool you've such a close friend

i don't really tak to my friends about my problems either.

hell, i've no friends to talk about them too even if i wanted.

sooo

[Odee]

Being true to yourself is not holding onto your problems. Your friends want to be with the you underneath your issues. You may need to find other coping mechanisms. But friends want to see the best of you, and you should spend more time listening to them. Doubly make sure than when you're listening to them that you don't accidentally turn the issue back into being about yourself.

[Big Mama]

Shattered Sanity you sound like me. No friends even if I did want to talk to someone. I have aquaintances who by no means have any idea the things that are going on in my life. If they did the'd run for the hills to get away from me. The few times I opened up to someone I think I went overboard. I am very needy and very afraid to let anyone in. If I trust you then look out, because years of pain and abuse just might come out.

Hezza I say so much I feel likeI have pushed folks away at times. Now I just try not to say anything to anyone. I have gotten a better grasp on the give and take of friendship here at PC. Most all of my FRIENDS are here at PC. I may say to much to them at times to but at least they have the option to see my name attatched to something and they can choose not to get involved. It is a give and take. I journal alot, I also talk to my T, and my cat and my horse. Do you have a pet friend. They make great listeners. They feel sympathy and show love. They never give up on you and there love is unconditional. They never tell your secrets and love you at your worst. My horse took all my secrets to the grave when he passed. Now I have a mini horse and a cat. They are my dearest friends other than my friends here at PC. Totally love Yall if you stumble across this.

[Open Eyes]

Hezaa82,

Well, it sounds like you developed a pattern of sharing too much and needing a lot of reassurance. You have to get to the bottom of that. I think you should get a therapist and not just a councelor. Are you never "pleased" with yourself and struggle with that? Are you looking for approval alot because you struggle to feel self fullfilled somehow, maybe you expect too much of yourself?

I had the opposite problem, I was constantly the "giver" and I was always so generous and when I could not do that because I needed to address my own issues, it was hard to see how my friends got angry because I could not sit and listen to them go on and on mulling over the same constant issues.

You are going to have to learn about give and take in relationships. And you have to be careful about how much you "need" of a friend. You have to know that your friends can't truely "fix" you and some people get frustrated because they run out of answers.
What is your idea of a friend, someone to constantly hand hold you emotionally? That is not a friend, that is a therapist who is trained to help you actually help yourself.

Don't let this get you down, don't lose your friends and feel guilty, get to the bottom of your deep needs in therapy and work your way forward.

(((Hugs)))

[hezaa82]

Well my mother was emotionally unavailable to me as a child so I have an unmet need of wanting to connect with other people. As a child I responded by telling myself I didn't need anyone and preoccupied myself with books and anime and fantasy. At 18 I realized I actually needed people and got really depressed. But I had such little self-worth at that time that I didn't dare to talk about myself.

Talking about myself is a new thing. After I got into counseling I started working on my self-esteem and I guess I started overcompensating by now saying that everyone has to take care of me, instead of saying that I don't deserve to be taken care of. That didn't work for me either obviously but I think it was a stage I had to go through.

You're right, I don't feel self-fulfilled and I rely on others' approval. I've always told myself that the reason why I feel so bad is because I haven't had fulfilling relationships, and if I only had fulfilling relationships I wouldn't feel bad. But this whole situation has forced me to challenge the idea that relationships alone will make me happy.

No I never wanted my friends to fix my problems. I would get mad when they gave me advice actually. I just wanted someone to listen and know what I was feeling. Some of it comes from abandonment issues too - wanting to have someone be concerned for me when I'm in trouble.

Unfortunately I've already damaged a lot of my friendships. I know now I was using my talking about my problems as a way to get attention and as a form of denial (I can't help my behavior, I'm damaged). But unfortunately unlike alcohol or drugs which you quit altogether, I can't quit talking altogether. I don't want to neglect my real human need for interaction and sharing either.

A lot of this acting out was due to the fact that I'm going through withdrawal after my latest love addiction ended. I was even more needy than usual because my old abandonment trauma was brought up when that rejection happened. And I lashed out at the people in my life but it was really misdirected anger (anger at my person of addiction and original abandoners).

I'm just afraid of being left with a bunch of shallow surface level relationships....

[Open Eyes]

(((hezza))),

Oh, I understand the demensions of your challenge now. It is a problem that a lot of people struggle with too. So make sure you are not "hard on yourself" because you are struggling. Hey, you are learning, thats all and you have to truely work on yourself before you get hurt again. You are right, another person cannot truely fill our own hole and resolve our personal challenges for us.

All people want to be loved and appreciated and many people struggle with understanding how to have "healthy" relationships. Your mother didn't understand how to address your needs as a child as well. This is a very common problem and it doesn't mean you were not loved or unworthy in anyway.

It is important that you finally understand that, grieve it properly and learn ways to overcome it. It takes time and we all make mistakes in relationship building too. So keep learning, getting help and see if there are some "good books" that you can also read about how to "self improve and self empower". I am sure there is probably quiet a supply of reading material on that because it is a very common human challenge.
Always remember, the one thing you can always do is "learn".

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes