[Alishia88]

How much willpower will do you good? I had anorexia and was strongly driven so I´m very very cautious concerning willpower. A lot of the times I feel like: I CAN and I MUST get better, defeat my anxiety and fear, become relaxed, like myself, see the world the right way, decrease my perfectionism, become easier. There MUST be a way and I CAN and MUST find it.

Because I so badly want to get better and get on with my life.

But I´m cautious, I get too driven easily and tend to INCREASE my anxiety throught that and frustrate myself.

How can you know how much you CAN change yourself and when to "let go"

[whoswho]

When I saw the title of this I was just about to say something about perfectionism (I also have an eating disorder) but I see you beat me to it...

You see the problem: I MUST (perfectly) overcome my perfectionism. I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT FAIL in being more relaxed. I HAVE TO get better.

I think with wellness--and the reason it is so difficult to obtain--is that you simply cannot focus on it with your eating disorder mind and hope to achieve it; you must look at it with a mind completely foreign to the one you currently know. Willpower in itself isn't bad, and it is certainly necessary, but how you respond to your mistakes (since you will certainly have mistakes along the way) will determine your success.

[myopicdreams]

What an interesting question!

IMO there is a difference between willpower and self-control. Willpower is something I see as the ability to choose to do, or not do, something because it is better for you-- a kind of delaying gratification. I also think that it is a part of self-control but just a part- not all.

Self-control on the other hand can be positive (like willpower) or can become a negative force in your life... it can become a dictator who denies us the freedom to be our full selves and experience the happiness we deserve. It sounds to me like you are battling with the dictator here.

let's see... maybe if you visualize willpower as the friend who see's and loves you for who you truly are and unconditionally accepts you as worthy and valid just as you are today but also sees the beautiful places inside of you that dream of coming out (even when you can't see them) so this friend lovingly supports you as you try to reach that potential-- the friend who always believes in you.

This other thing- the controlling dictator-- on the other hand has this tiny, beautiful, jewelry box and instead of giving it to you to enjoy it is demanding that you make yourself fit into the place where the spinning ballerina should be-- and it will chain you in there if you let it. The dictator doesn't care about the beauty inside of you or all of the things that make you a special and amazing person. She has a list of things you must, have to, need to, and should do to be the tiny dancer for that box-- that is all she cares about and she will do everything she can to invade your mind and overwhelm the real- gentle- you and force you to be all of the checkboxes on her list.

Perhaps it would be helpful to start visualizing your feelings, compulsions, in this way. To take each thing you should, must, can, can't, and want to make yourself do and examine them to find out if they belong to that loving friend or bureaucratic dictator. Some possible questions to help sort them:
1. Does this feel like an opportunity (friend) or obligation (dictator)?
2. Does it make me feel good or anxious?
3. Does this assume that I am good now, but will be happier if I accomplish it, or does it assume that I am lacking something and this will make me more OK?

In general, Anorexia can be viewed as an obsessive/compulsive disorder and as such it seems to rely on fear and anxiety to force us to do things that are supposed to reduce the fear/anxiety and thus "solve" the problem.

What I'm getting from your post is a general feeling that you don't believe you are good enough as you are- that you are "supposed" to be something different than you- and I am very sorry to think you are feeling this way. I hope that your friend "willpower" will develop a voice strong enough to be heard when it tells you "you are wonderful and perfectly who you should be right now AND we can journey together to see what your potential and future can give to you."

If the voice you are hearing now is saying something more along the lines of "you should be so much further along than you are now. Why are you so lazy, so clumsy, so weak? You SHOULD be better than this, you MUST work harder! Get a hold of yourself-- you don't want to be a loser, do you?" then perhaps you can try to tune out that voice with a self-affirmation that you are who you are supposed to be today, that you have done the best you could do with the things life has given you, that you have become what the world designed you to be, and will become exactly who you are made to be by following your true potential- your true self-- into the beautiful mist of your actual potential.

How can you know how much you can change and when to "let go"? You can change however much you want to change, if it is a part of who you are designed to be/ become-- you will know if you are on the right path or if you should let go by listening to how you are feeling inside-- if it feels comfortable, safe, and optimistic then it is the right path. If it increases your anxiety, makes you feel afraid or incapable, or makes you feel bad about who you are today then it is the path of that dictator.

The thing about the dictator is that even though that box is exquisite and looks perfect on the outside, it is nothing but a prison for you. You deserve more than a box of beauty-- you deserve a whole world of beauty-- and it is your task to believe that so you can make it happen.

[Alishia88]

Thank you whoswho and myopicdreams for both of your very enouraging posts.

".. is that you simply cannot focus on it with your eating disorder mind and hope to achieve it; you must look at it with a mind completely foreign to the one you currently know"
I keep forgetting, thank you for reminding me!

"What I'm getting from your post is a general feeling that you don't believe you are good enough as you are- that you are "supposed" to be something different than you- and I am very sorry to think you are feeling this way."

I guess you´re right. Noticing helps.

I really love that I can talk to people on here.