[anenome]

Well, as you can all see, I have been in hiding again. The last time I was on here was August, 2011.

I will tell you though, as I said to someone earlier about having no feelings etc. I have been the same way for close to a decade except one time several months ago and it has only happened two times before that.

I wake up in the morning with the STRONGEST, MOST INTENSE FEELING THAT I MUST END MY LIFE RIGHT THAT SECOND. As I said, it has only happened three times now in 46 years, but it is totally involuntary.

I have no control over it. I am a Zen Buddhist, 'metta'..I do not believe in hurting myself or any other living thing (loving-kindness to all living things).

But these thoughts, three times now are so so intense yet I am by no means suicidal.

It is like waking with a splitting headache or a limb is asleep or you sneeze or something totally involuntary.

Has anyone ever had that happen???

Thanks in advance.

[kittycat97]

I had a couple of instances with strong suicidal feelings. Like i must die BY today. Maybe if you get these thoughts again you can call a hotline like SOS. To me it is the same as speaking to people that says, your life is not that bad, I am sure you won't die whatsoever. But it helps a little and when you are talking, you calm down and the suicidal feelings are not as intense as before. I think the goal of these hotlines is to make people hang in there for as long as possible, maybe 24 hours and that is the most crucial.

[Mindinpieces]

Sometimes, the unconsciousness is good at getting from time to time, to me it may sound like there, at those times, something has trigger you and your unconsciousness. Please don't think I didn't read your post, I did. Am I right in thinking Zen Buddhist are mindful of everything and learn to contemplate life and the surrounding with serenity and like you said without harmful actions or judgments... personally I don't really know this is, that’s why I am asking, I am sorry if I got this wrong. However you know that you are human and that your life is about facing the challenges by the means of a Zen Buddhist way of life with minimal harm to others and the world around them, if I got this right. I think you need to not necessary look too deep into these thought's but try to understand that you are human and this is another thing for you to tackle and work through. Which you have done and to know that if this happens in the future all will be fine because you address these human thoughts and feelings before and have not acted upon them but work through them. Sorry if this wasn’t helpful. Wishing you all the best MIP

[Sam2]

ananome,
you don't have to be a violent or hurtful person to have suicidal thoughts. Sometimes there are triggers that we may not be aware of at the time. Smells, sounds, music, dreams. All can trigger unwanted thoughts.

I do believe that your thoughts are involuntary. They are probably unnerving as well. I'm new, so I don't know your background as well as others on this forum, but I am aquainted with thoughts like that.

The other day I was driving my car and had a strong urge to turn the car into a tree. Nothing preceeded the thought as far as I know, but it too was involuntary. I'm sorry you have had to have even three of those moments. Sometimes I wonder if more people have such thoughts than would admit to it. Talking about it to others here that understand may help you figure out why that has happened to you.

Sam2

[gma45]

I have had those thoughts from time to time. They seem to pass pretty quickly. Usually on a daily basis lately.

[Happy Cartman]

I hope u feel better and i totally know what u r talking about.

Feel better soon, ok?!?!

[Leed]

Now that Sam mentions it, I too have had mere seconds when driving on the highway where I was determined to drive my car into the cement abutments that hold up the bridges! Thank God, the urge passed before I got there!
But it shook me up something awful, to think that I even considered such a thing --- but I didn't MEAN to.

This has happened perhaps 3 times, and I'm totally unnerved afterwards. I should really get off the highway, and have someone else drive, but wouldn't you know, it's always a time when I'm alone! It's like I'm being tested as to my will to live, or something.

So you're NOT alone, Anemone. There are more of us out here, and probably even more yet if people would admit to it. You're not "weird" or anything. It's just something that happens for some reason. Please take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[shortandcute]

Originally Posted by anenome

Well, as you can all see, I have been in hiding again. The last time I was on here was August, 2011.

I will tell you though, as I said to someone earlier about having no feelings etc. I have been the same way for close to a decade except one time several months ago and it has only happened two times before that.

I wake up in the morning with the STRONGEST, MOST INTENSE FEELING THAT I MUST END MY LIFE RIGHT THAT SECOND. As I said, it has only happened three times now in 46 years, but it is totally involuntary.

I have no control over it. I am a Zen Buddhist, 'metta'..I do not believe in hurting myself or any other living thing (loving-kindness to all living things).

But these thoughts, three times now are so so intense yet I am by no means suicidal.

It is like waking with a splitting headache or a limb is asleep or you sneeze or something totally involuntary.

Has anyone ever had that happen???

Thanks in advance.

yes i felt that quite a bit. it is very hard to feel that way.

[ffgal82]

Definitely identify w you!! Something i found very surprising......my therapist said she has also after a bad day had the urge to drive her car over wall in parking garage!!! She said she made herself breathe n re-direct her thoughts n it helped her. Of course, im not aware of her having any mental illness so prob alot easier for her to do. So, aparentlynthese thoughts are common n not just us.