[Penny T. StDuhnam]

Everyday I run on my emotional hamster wheel and get nowhere. Running and running. Focused and determined. Running from dealing with anything whether large or small. Just running.

I'm looking at my life and the only people who are in it are my children. Which is wonderful. We have a lot of fun and laughs but I know these times won't last forever.

There isn't anyone over the age of 12 I speak to on a regular basis. Not daily, not weekly and barely monthly. Some people try. When I do connect, I don't share much. I only answer what's asked.

Which brings me to the point. I think that is my root problem. Dealing with 'it'. Whatever 'it' is.

I can't. I'm terrified of any emotion. I don't want to feel weak, fragile or child-like. However, I always do. I'm a middle aged woman with the emotional age of a 13 year old girl. It started and I stopped.

[roads]

If you don't have adults in your real life, do you read? I'm not talking about the fluff romance stuff, but the classic literature that revolves around women and their emotional lives. Or the flip side--do you write? keep a journal? write short stories?

Ideally you'd have a circle of adult friends, but there are other ways of expanding your emotional life. They helped me until my social skills improved ... and I still work on those.

[shezbut]

((((Penny))))

I am sorry that you're struggling so much in working past pre-teen developmentally. Are you seeing a T regularly? Have you talked about this continuing issue with him/her? If not, please do. Getting through deeply held beliefs and discomfort isn't an overnight process. It takes time to work through the cause/s and come up with new, healthy ways of dealing with the dark emotions and memories.

Gentle hugs to you...