What is this Im Feeling?

I'm not sure how to really say this other then there are so many emotions running through me that I don't know how to feel or what to think of them.

One minute I'm ready to blurt all that's happened to me and get it off my chest, I even thought about typing it out and handing it to my Counselor so I don't have to verbalize it.

Then I want to stay hidden in my shell and not tell anyone anything EVER! I want it to be gone, like a magic wand wave over me.

Now Im deeply missing my family and hate the Idea that if something was to happen to my fiance and dog I would have NO ONE at all.

With a long history of hospital treatment and self harming acts. I secretly want to act on my self harming but have been told my Fiance if I do he'd leave me and that just makes everything 10X's intense. I want these feelings to go away. but I don't know how. I don't know what kind of help I need right now. I hate calling crisis lines as they always over react and send people to the ER by police. It freaks me out and brings back memories.

I wish I could talk to my fiance, but he has been through abuse as a child too and has this way of making his stuff sound worse and tell me to ignore it and just bitter towards people. but when I do this It leads to a fight.

Oh gosh Im beyond help. Sorry if this doesnt make sense I just typed it out hoping someone can give me insight on something

Hi LilMercy ~ If you really feel like harming yourself, you need to call your counselor! I hope you have a number for him/her. But please give him a call and talk to him. Don't harm yourself. That does NOT solve anything, sweetie.

Harming yourself will only make you feel guilty, right? It will just add to your problems, and emotions. It doesn't solve a thing -- it makes matters worse. And you know that your fiance' will be very very angry with you. You certainly don't want that!

Please don't do it honey. I'm sorry this reply is so long in coming. I didn't see it until tonight. Use all self-control you have -- sometimes it takes every fiber of our being to keep from doing something, but we feel better for it.

God bless sweetie, and take good care of yourself. Big hugs, Lee

Thanks Lee for your kind words, I DIDNT do anything other then just slept it off, Probably not the best thing but it worked for at the time, I even Seen my counselor today and talked about it

I'm glad for you and everybody else you made it through that bad time, even when you're feelig tht way i learnedd that it is just a fleeting feeling or emotion that passes, now you have become stronger by not doing it then

Hi LilMercy, I see you are a new member, welcome to PC.

I see you struggle with PTSD, do you understand PTSD?

What you are discribing is that you had PTSD cycle and you had alot of confusing emotions come forward and you got overwhelmed.

It is "ok" to write out the things that suddenly come forward like that and you feel that urge to talk it out. It is "good for you". And that being followed with wanting to retreat and hide, is very common, because often we "think" that we are not supposed to "talk about" the things that come forward. I found that for myself, that came from thinking that it wasn't right for me to "tell" when I was abused. Or, when I did try to tell, I was not heard, or even had a feeling that somehow no one would help me.

The way your boyfriend is responding to your "urge to let things out" is wrong too, he needs to know that when you need to "talk" he needs to just "listen" and validate you. And he has to understand that it is "not his job to fix" whatever you tell him, but just to listen. That is the hardest thing to teach a "man". Ugh.

When you experience a cycle like this, the anxiety levels rise, and you can begin to produce "cortizol" which can make you feel like you need to "act" or "run" somehow.

How you "used to" handle this was to "cut yourself" and the reason you did that, is that created a distraction in your mind, enough to stop the cortizol from continuing to build up, and instead it just discipated and you felt "relief". But you don't have to do "that activity" to accomplish "relief".

You can actually accomplish "lowering the cortizol" that is so uncomfortable, and even scary, by distracting your mind in other calming ways too. For example, you can begin to color in a coloring book, an activity that is slow and methodical and calming which signals your brain "ok, no emergency no need to build up cortizol anymore" and then your body will stop producing cortizol and whatever is there begins to dicipate and process away from your brain and through your liver and bloodstream calming your system down.

Also you can lay down someplace very quiet and restful and not necessarily sleep but, just relax and let your mind go free and not have to think or problem solve. I do that alot, and after about 1/2 hour to 45 minutes, I feel better and can get up and do things.

When you find you need to talk and just let things out, you can go to the PTSD forum, and start a thread and just say whatever you need to vent. Lots of us PTSD members do that and other members post supportive thoughts, better than boyfriend could. When you begin to see others say, me too, and here is what I have learned etc, you will feel alot of relief, and you wont feel so alone with it.

You "can" learn how to manage the PTSD cycles much better, talk things out, and make some gains on it. And you do not have to cut, to get a sense of relief either, you can do other things that work just as well, if not better.

You can truely learn how to better control the PTSD symptoms. It comes slowly as you address the things you hold in and get a chance to finally put into words whatever you struggle with. I am glad you found PC, there are some very nice members in the PTSD forum, don't be shy, they are very supportive and kind.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes