[pernonalgrowth]

I have recently become aware of the phenomenon of "transference" and realised that I have had many instances of this in my life. I have just gone though a divorce and have been seeing someone professionally for a little while. As per usual (or at least I now realise its a "usual" behaviour of mine") I now have feelings of transference for my counsellor. In the past, I have experienced this with counsellors and friends alike. Anyone that shows me the attention I crave in times of need, I develop these feelings for. And I have only just realised this is what I do.

I am perfectly aware of the "illusion" and harbour no unrealistic thoughts about any love life, so to speak, between myself and my therapist. But I am finding myself in a situation where my recent lost love of 12 years, is simple replaced by this feeling of transference, or "being in love" with an inappropriate candidate.

When I read up about transference and how to best "deal" with it, I read a lot about sharing those feelings with your counsellor, so you can unearth the reasons behind your behaviour and work through them. Sounds wonderful and makes sense. The issue I have with that, is the the person that is counselling me is someone I have known for a while. I wouldn't say we were friends when I started, but we were "business related " if you will. Consequently, the relationship was never strictly professional and through it all, a friendship has started to develop too. The friendship was developing before I started seeing her professionally and as a result, I am no longer comfortable to discuss my feelings of transference with her.

I am weighing up what is more important to me, the professional or the personal relationship. Her sessions have been invaluable to me in the last few months, and after as little as a few months, I feel I have wings to fly again. I know my feelings will pass, they always have, and I would probably loose more then I would gain by sharing it with her. I guess its my recent realisation there is a word for my current and past behaviour, called transference, that would explain a lot of my behaviours that make me think about how to handle my most recent occurrence.

I am well aware I am going to get a lot of responses from people saying either she has behaved inappropriately by allowing a friendship to develop, or I have chosen the wrong therapist in the first place, as I already knew her on a moderately social level. It's my own personal choice to not want to work with someone who is totally detached. I find it close to impossible to "show myself" to someone who does not reciprocate. It is the mutual exchange that allowed me to open up and created the space for me to work on several "outstanding issues" in the first place. I am eternally grateful for the progress I made as a result. The transference is a by-product now and one I am not sure how to approach.

Criticism and suggestions are welcome I guess

[Travelinglady]

I won't say you made the wrong choice. However, keep in mind that once the therapy is over, the therapist is not supposed to stay in touch or be "friends" with a former patient.

"Transference" is a term related to the therapeutic process. I'd be surprised if that's what was happening in real-life relationships. Sure, people can get involved with or even marry someone who reminds them of their parent of the opposite sex, but Freud thought that was normal!

The reason transference generally occurs in therapy is that the therapist tries to not tell the patient much about him- or her-self and so the patient comes to view the therapist like someone from the past who was important to him/her. Freud even had the patients in front of him, lying on the couch, so they couldn't see him, and he said very little during the sessions......Not all types of therapy are designed to encourage transference. You might have feelings of liking for the therapist, but that's generally because the therapist is nice and is supportive and is trying to help. Some people refer to therapists as "friends who are paid for."

That's my take, anyway. I used to teach psychology.

[pernonalgrowth]

thanks for your response. Its an interesting term I guess and I have not been thinking of it as exclusive to the therapist-client relationship. Perhaps I am hanging my hat on the wrong "term" in that case.

What I feel happens to me is that as a result of getting the attention and support I crave at certain times in my life, I start to develop "feelings" for the person showering me with that support. It has happened to me with friends, teachers, and now a therapist.

There is obviously a desire for a certain level of attention and I then drag it out of context and this person suddenly is on my mind every minute of the day. Not cool. Not realistic and not overly helpful overall.

Considering the lines are already blurred I probably have to make a decision to continue to have her as my therapist or forget about that and accept her friendship. Good therapist are hard to find though, so I feel torn.....