[astenon]

I hope this is the correct place for this. I've looked in the depression forum and in the therapy section and my ramblings don't seem worthy for there.

I joined these forums about 2 months ago after I realised that I needed to start addressing my problems with social anxiety and my tendency to be so private that I can't make friends. I was hoping that I was going to read a post on here that fixed everything. Hoping for something that said "Turn around 3 times and say flippedy-flop and all your problems will go away". It doesn't work like that though. I've seen many posts from people with similar issues, but none contained that magic cure.

I have had these issues for all my life. I'm now 40 and remember thinking to myself when I was in my early teens that the best I can get from life is to get to the end. I've never felt like ending it, but I guess I've probably denied myself the opportunity to be happy. I was talking to a good PC friend the other day who asked "are you happy with your life?" It's sad that I can't answer that question. 99% of the time, I'm not happy but I don't think I feel sad either. I'm just me .. emotionless.

With the help of friends on PC, from reading posts of strangers on here, and from talking to my one and only friend in real-life, I've finally, after 20/30 years of being in denial, realised that I'm not going to feel better by myself and I'm going to need help.

I'm made enquiries and I'm lucky that my medical insurance via work will cover psychotherapy, so next week I'm going to have to make one of the biggest steps in my life. I'm going to have to walk into the GPs office and say "I need help". I'm expecting to be prescribed anti-depressants and need to ask them to refer me for therapy. I have never said anything like this before. I just hope I can get the words out when I get there.

[Leed]

Good for you Astenon! I know that's going to be a little difficult for you, but I KNOW you can do it! When I first recognized that I needed help, it was hard for me too, but i did it. And it was the best gift i could have ever given myself. I went into therapy, and dealt with issues that had tortured me for years. I stayed in therapy for over a year, and then was in and out of therapy several times after that.

It has all been worthwhile. I've never regretted one minute of it. I've learned more things about myself and my parents that I never imagined. I feel much better about myself now. Since I have clinical depression, I still feel "low"much of the time, although I'm on medication. I'm hard to treat. LOL

I'm sure you'll be glad you entered therapy! Please keep us informed as to your progress! And keep posting -- we DO care! God bless and take care of yourself. Hugs, Lee

[optimize990h]

Hello as tenon!

I am glad you made the decision to get pdoc to help you with therapy. You have returned to PC to see what others were doing.(That a good thing, helps stop anxiety once you see how things are.)

The fact you did post to threads more than 100 times showed you were persistent to validate your feeling that being emotionless was not part of being happy.

So, it is good to see you have made this decision to see a psychiatrist.

Hope you come back here at PC on how the therapist is working out for you. I am sure you know what to expect from spending the time you did here at PsychCentral.

[tinyrabbit]

You are taking a fantastic and brave step. Good luck.

Maybe write down what you want to say and even take it with you if you find this helpful.

[avlady]

Good for you!!!! I know that taking the first step is the hardest, don't get discouraged, things always get better when you do it yourself in the first place!!!!!!!!

[Perna]

The steps you have been taking for yourself are great! Keep up the good work.

If you fell neither particularly happy nor particularly sad, I would not take anti-depressant medicine to start with. That probably doesn't do much if you don't have a clear-cut sense of being depressed. If you have never done things you really enjoyed that you no longer enjoy, what is the medicine supposed to help with. Anti-depressant medicine does not change you from depressed to happy; happy is not depressed's opposite; not depressed is depressed's opposite, a kind of baseline. But, it does not sound like you are aware of ever having a baseline, your whole life is a flat, baseline, so medicine probably cannot do much?

Therapy is a great idea I think and I hope the wait time they appear to have in the UK is not too bad for you that it does make you depressed, working hard for something for yourself but having to wait to get it through no fault of your own.

I'd maybe go to the library and find a few interesting-looking self-help books to try to use to, see what you can do on your own. But, there's a free one online that is really good also, Dr. Clay Tucker-Ladd's book, Psychological Self-Help - new - Table of Contents

[astenon]

Thank-you all so much for your hugs and words of encouragement. I need to phone the GPs today and get an appointment although it'll probably be later this week that I actually go in.

I'm definitely going to write things down before I get there, so thanks for that advice tinyrabbit. I can so see myself getting tongue tied, so being able to read out what I want to say will make it easier. Although when I get nervous I shake (like 'are we having an earthquake?' type shaking), so keeping the paper steady may be a challenge

As for medication, we'll have to see. A friend believes they will prescribe something. I'm not fussed either way as long as whatever help I get actually works.

As for waiting time for a T, I'm hoping it wont be too long. Over here, if you get things on the NHS, then there's usually a long wait (and on the NHS, you only get a T for 12 sessions). If you want things quicker, then you need to go private. When I started work, I joined a medical insurance scheme that I've used once in 19 years. I phoned them over the weekend and T is included in the scheme. I'm hoping this will mean I'll be able to get into T quite quickly once the GP has referred me. The med ins people are sending me the details, so I'll have to go over how it all works then that arrives.

[Thunder Bow]

F.I.N.E. = Says that you are alive and have many feelings! Good to see that kind of result from your personality tests! For we all have those feelings at various times in our life.

Out society is imprinted towards instant gratification. But there is no magical cures that can turn ones life around instantly. Therapy is a long journey.

Medications are a hope for instant gratification, with the hope you can instantly end bad feelings by taking a pill.

I say avoid medications if you can, and go with your feelings. Bad and good feelings are part of the adventure of life, and you need to go with them. Therapy will help you understand the bad feelings you seem to want to cultivate, and how they were important to you in the past.

[astenon]

Thought I'd give you all a quick progress update:

I had my visit to the GPs today and she's referred me for some T. I couldn't get the words out at first, so had to read from the notes I'd written. Thank you Tinyrabbit.

Next step is getting her referral letter tomorrow and waiting for the medical insurance people to send me their blurb to take the next step.

[BeeKeeper]

I just read something this morning that popped into my head when I read your post:
"I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I lived just the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well."

Congrats on taking the first step!