What can I say, being, or dealing with Rapid Cycling Bipolar (which I came to find out I'm whats called by some Ultradian Cycling Bipolar, where a persons moods will cycle several times, if not more in a 24 hour period) along with Psychotic Tendencies, PTSD, and Social Phobia is a life sentence I wouldn't wish my worst enemy. The countless days and nights that ya can spend alone is deafening. Wishing that, just once, someone would come along and be able to handle being a good, or for that matter a close friend. Yet, in the end, I do this all to myself. Yes, you read that right. I do this all to myself.

I remain distant and alone for many reasons really. One reason being, that hardly anyone I know, even if they say that can indeed handle all that comes along with being my friend, in the end, cant. Which I knew better in the first place. They in fact are proven wrong over time. I figure why on earth do I want to watch history repeat itself over and over again when I already have watched it happen countless times before?

Same goes with relationships and having someone in my life. I have been single and remained alone for nearly 6.5 years now. Many have come that were interested, yet I have done chased every single one of them away, or kept them at a distance. Some may ask, why on earth would you do this? Why don't you allow that person to decide whether or not they can handle you or not?

Well, the answer is simple really. I am tired. Tired of watching people come, and tired of watching people go out of my life. Break ups, I find to be overly taxing to deal with and I just can't take the overwhelming emotions that come along with a break up.

I have had endless conversations. Actually in all honesty, it seemed more like a debate with people at times, trying to explain to them what I go through on a daily basis. With them not being able to comprehend or wrap they're mind around what it is I am telling them. Mind you, none of what I go through I can control. I can attempt to manage it all, yet, it often takes every fiber of my being to manage what little I can. With everything I go through in one day, it feels exactly like I am working a full time job, aside from my regular full time job I already work on a 9 to 5, five days a week basis.

I am not making excuses here, nor am I writing this to get others to feel sorry for me. I do enough of my own Ups and Down's in one day, I don’t need someone else going out of their way to have sympathy on me. Why am I writing this some may ask? Well, simply put, this is just an avenue in which to vent I guess? I don't talk to many people, especially about all this. So, I find it kind of therapeutic to write my thoughts down on paper, or online in some fashion or another.

I go to work and quite often I have to isolate myself in my little hole at work. Occasionally I will come out to get coffee or water, or, to use the good old facilities. Other wise, I keep to myself. After work I go straight home to be alone, until I rise and repeat and do it all again the next day. I am not attempting to make my life out to be worse than anyone else's. Again, I am just aimlessly rambling on to anyone who will read, or, of course someone who chooses to bad mouth of on here cause they feel the need to. Quite use to it, so take your best shot.

Anyways, I guess in around about way I was kind of curious if there was by any chance anyone out there like me? I mean, I guess there is. Can't have millions of people on the face of the earth without at least a few individuals experiencing or going through the same thing in life. Would be nice to just actually connect, or talk to someone that can relate to what I'm going through

[beauflow]

(((BlueCasper)))

People are hard to deal with, and that is whether or not if you have a dx or not. And they can be extremely hard to deal with when they don't want to find understanding with someone. And with all that, then to add the pain that one has gone through with relationships can make it even more difficult.

I can say in some ways I relate but not entirely. I don't go out, I don't have friends that I go see and do things with. I stay at home on my off time. I do have my s/o though and my cat. My S/O when we first got together, I told myself- if this does not work out, then it is obvious "who the problem is" and that would be me-- and does the world really need a person like that?
I was fortunate enough to find someone that does try to understand me, or if not understand me, understand that they don't understand me all the time... Always wish that everyone has someone (even if just a friend) they can talk to... and I am sorry that it sounds like you just have not found your match.
I did have to take a leap with getting together with my s/o though, and so did he. Real fears, and struggles with both of us with relationships.

As far as work, I work nights- for several reasons, but one reason is not to deal with the politics that day shift has to deal with at my place of work. I get to see a few people, and those few people I have over time tried to at times joke and talk with. It did not happen over night ... over years it happened.
I do go through periods where no one stops by my desk to just talk, either because of -- I don't know... Some times I do know that it is because others have other projects or personal things going on that they don't have the time besides to say a hi to me.

I have trouble with new people though, but been trying to get better with myself of not being so troubled by them.... it is tasking.

I am sorry if this is not much help.....

I think it is a good thing that you have came on PC and wrote this though:

As you said:

Anyways, I guess in around about way I was kind of curious if there was by any chance anyone out there like me? I mean, I guess there is. Can't have millions of people on the face of the earth without at least a few individuals experiencing or going through the same thing in life. Would be nice to just actually connect, or talk to someone that can relate to what I'm going through

Which that there is taking a step to get out of your little bubble you have... even if it is the internet.

((Many good thoughts for you and hope it is ok that i wrote here))

's

[Thunder Bow]

Your problem is that you are highly intelligent. I can tell by the way you wrote your post. Many are not as smart as you, thus will not be able relate to you on the deeper levels that you would like. That can be frustrating. It is NOT all your fault!

Just feeling extremely lonely these days, is what I was really trying to say. Hard to deal with when your alone for 90% of the time.....

[beauflow]

(((BlueCasper)))

's

Even though I have a S/O-- doesn't mean I don't get lonely too at times.
Actually with how our work schedules are, i spend a lot of times alone.. time on PC, time with my cat, time with projects that I do at home if I am able or willing to do them.

Mr.Boots my cat is really a good friend.... PC has some good people to talk to....

(((I hope you the best BlueCasper)))

I am not sure what to suggest.. because ya know, for me it is hard to get out of the house to go volunteer, or to just go for walks in nature (some times i do good with that but not always)...... and not everyone can have a pet or wants a pet.. but I think pets are great friends too....

's

I have a dog and a cat as well. I could be around alot of ppl if i wanted to be. Yet, given my situation, it is not easy to be around ppl. I have spent most of my life alone, even with a s/o in my life.
I stay single simply cause I havent found anyone who can tolerate me long enough. Ive had lots of relationships in my life time. More then most, less than some. Not the point though. Just saying, the loneliness can be almost to much to bare at times.