[solost1976]

Hello,

First of all I know my feelings are not right. I hate my step daugther who is 7 and I do not want to be around her. Not because she is a bad child, but because of what she represents.

She has done some bad things. She pushed my six year old off the trampoline and she tried to have our Great Dane (150 lbs dog) attack my child. She also tattles on us and is very snooty. But come on I do realize most kids are snooty at times.

Here is why I hate her. My husband's family does not recognize our marriage because the ex has told them that if they have anything to do with me she will not allow contact with her daugther. She has taken us to court at least four times. She constantly denies visitation and phone calls. My husband still pays for 1/2 of her mortage. She has stolen money from us. She will not allow me to be alone with her child because she doesn't trust me. She accusses me of everything under the sun.

I am always nice to his daugther but I do not try to have a relationship with her. I have gotten to the point where I can not stand that she is around. I just want to leave when she is there. When all of this happened at first my husband agreed it was just too much drama to have her around, but he changed his mind and now insists on having a relationship with her and having her over a lot.

I know my feelings are not fair for him or for his daugther. But none-the-less I feel them and I asked for a divorce because of it. He begs me not to go, stalks me and says he can't lose me and refuses to sign the papers (we have to agree to seperation for one year in our state before divorce). He will not move out of the home I owned before we were married and according to the law I cant make him.

I love my husband, but when he shows her love or attention I fill with anger. The rational side of me knows it is because my children and I have been treated so poorly by his ex and his family and I see her as a representation of that. I refuse to be mean to a child and I feel lately it has been getting worse and I am afraid I might start to be mean to her. I want to leave. Is there anything I can do to free myself of this anger?

[Travelinglady]

I can understand why you would have some negative feelings toward your step daughter. She might be picking up on those, too.

Honestly, I suggest you should go to a therapist or counselor and talk these things out. He/she should also be able to help you deal with your anger.

[winter4me]

Do your negative emotions get projected onto the seven year old because you are afraid to be angry with the adults involved?
How much did you know about your husband, his ex, and their situation before you married?

[Thunder Bow]

The 7yo. is Innocent. Don't take it out on her for how her father is treating You. If you do you are doing great harm.

[Leed]

I can certainly understand how you're feeling. The ex and her family are acting AWFUL. I don't know who instigated THAT divorce (was it him?) but regardless, it's OVER and she needs to get over it. He has remarried, and she needs to move on. The family shouldn't even be putting their noses into this. It's none of their business!

As for the child, it sounds like she's quite mature for her age, and she's getting pleasure out of it. By acting snooty, I'll bet she KNOWS it burns you up, and she does it on purpose. But STILL, she's just a child and children don't know the whole picture. They don't have a clue as to what is going on. And children are ALWAYS the ones who get hurt in a divorce. This child is being used as a pawn. Mom is telling her to say things to Dad, and Dad is telling her to tell Mom things, etc. Then when she comes to your house, she acts like a little snot -- I imagine Mom told her to, when normally she's a good kid!

I feel sorry for the child. I doubt she knows WHO she's supposed to align with. She doesn't know who's "right" and who's "wrong" or what anything is about.. She's totally confused and doesn't really know what divorce IS.

But why doesn't your HUSBAND'S family recognize the marriage just because the ex is causing problems? Confusing.

I have to agree that seeing a therapist would be the best idea. Your doctor can refer you to a GOOD therapist as he would know the best one for you. Please take to your doctor about this, and have him refer you. I know you won't regret it. Whether or not you leave or stay with your husband, you still need therapy in order to rid yourself of the resentments. There is a saying: "Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." And it's true -- it eats you from the inside out. It's like a cancer, and it doesn't stop unless you seek therapy.

I wish you the very best. Please keep us informed as to your progress, will you? God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

[shezbut]

solost,

I am sorry that you're in such a difficult position with your hub as he is going through a rather difficult time with establishing and maintaining proper visits with his daughter. If your husband and his ex-wife were to sit down and talk about this, it sure would help! Their behavior is NOT helping their daughter establish a real strong sense of belonging in your household, due to the stress ~ which she certainly picks up upon.

Your step-daughter is innocent. I know that it may not feel that way to you some of the time, but she really is. It concerns me that your husband and ex-wife have not put their daughter ahead of their frustrations with one another, and chosen to deal with one another better, for their daughter's sake!

I can understand how it feels easier to be angry with your step-daughter, than it does to speak up to your hub about your very real concerns and emotions about the family that you two share together. Your step-daughter is young, and likely does get a little bit of enjoyment out of all of the chaos ~ but she'd be a lot happier if the home life weren't so chaotic and stressful.

Please do seek some assistance with a therapist ASAP. Hopefully, they can put help by putting things into a more understanding way for you. Very best wishes to you! Welcome to Psych Central, and please do let us know how it goes, okay? Take care!

[tinyrabbit]

What you've written in your post is upsetting, but I also think it's good that you've started to recognise there's a problem, and reached out for help.

First things first: please remember this is a seven-year-old child. Not an adult. Not someone with a fully-developed sense of the world, of themselves, or how to behave themselves in the world.

Children are extremely attuned to the adults around them. They pick up on feelings. Your stepdaughter will know how you feel about her, and will be reacting to it. So she has done some bad things. What kid hasn't? What kid is perfect, and never ever makes mistakes?

You are talking about a little girl whose parents are not together, and whose family is divided into warring factions, and instead of feeling sorry for her, you say you hate her. That is a displaced emotion meant for someone else.

I was particularly struck by this part of your post: "When all of this happened at first my husband agreed it was just too much drama to have her around, but he changed his mind and now insists on having a relationship with her and having her over a lot."

Are you talking about your stepdaughter here? Your husband decided it was "too much drama" to see his own child, then changed his mind about having a relationship with her? And she's acting out? And you're surprised?!

You don't have to "be mean" to her. She already knows how you feel. Her behaviour makes that clear.

I think you need to get your family into therapy, pronto. Your stepdaughter is a child and cannot change the situation. You can.