music scenes & anxiety (punk scene rant)

I always found myself really into local music, like just everything about it. People going out and playing their own music in a community with other musicians. What wouldn't be appealing with that especially for a musician like myself? I used to love going to shows, mainly punk and hardcore through out high school, and even a bit in college, but I am really starting to DREAD it now. Maybe it is just because I am becoming aware of different things in older age, but I'm starting to really loathe going to shows. When I was in high school it was more about let's here some good music so I can mosh my head off! Now I just think way to much about the social aspect of shows, the scene to be specific. I used to go to shows by myself no problem, but now I will never go to a show by myself. Every single time I go to a show by myself, I always end up standing in the corner by myself pretending to be texting someone. I HATE the dead time between sets because then you are practically FORCED to socialize. I hate that feeling so much, that it's the reason I won't go to shows anymore. And on top of that I just can't deal with the people. Not to sound like a bad person or anything, but I just can't take the hipsters I see at these shows, priding themselves on what bands they are familiar with. No I have not heard of them, so I guess that makes me uncool? It's kind of ironic, a community that claims to be non-judgmental and open, has come across to me as just about THE most pretentious and exclusive community I have EVER been a part of. Not saying you won't be allowed into a show, but nobody for sure will give you the time of day. I really don't feel it's about the music. It's all word of mouth and what people say. You could really enjoy a band, and then here everyone else say wow... you actually like that band?..... wow what a poser... or you could think a band is absolute trash and noise, and hear everyone else talk about how amazing and groundbreaking they are. Of course everyone has a right to there opinion, like what you want, I just can't take the judgement anymore! I feel like I'm being put on a stage and judged under a spotlight when I'm at a show. Does he look like a poser? Has he ever even heard of any of these bands? does he even know anyone here? It's just not fun for me anymore!! In all honesty I would rather just sit at home and read than take the trouble to go out to a show just to be ignored in a corner pretending to text and take long walks between sets just to avoid socializing. And yes I have made an effort to be social, it's just hard when everyone else is already so tight knit. I used to feel like going to a punk show was a way for me to embrace being an outcast in high school and not fitting in, but now I feel just as if I were back in high school looking over at the cool kids table wondering why I just couldn't fit in. I just can't be a part of this community anymore.... Or maybe it's just me?

it sounds like anxiety is getting the best of you and keeping you from enjoying a favorite past time. it is filling your head with all kinds of doubts. so you can either find a way to manage your anxiety so you can once again enjoy the music scene by looking at the things you really enjoyed about the shows or you can choose not to go to the shows anymore. perhaps you have simply outgrown them. could that be the case?

yeah you know I think that's it. I think I just have outgrown them. but another thing that I guess bothers me is just how SERIOUS these shows are. Like people LIVE these bands. especially hardcore punk shows, you say the wrong thing you're rejected. It's really one big judgemental family. I'm not trying to talk down the scene in that respect, because it's this aggression that makes the music so great, but being in that environment is just so nerve wracking. It's not open like you'd think any music community would be like hey how are you? what's your name? Let me introduce you to my friends! It's more like. uh who are you? What are you doing here? Why are you even here? I'll admit, a lot of the reasons I went to shows was just because I thought it would make me cool and more interesting. There I said it. But it's just not worth the anxiety and shot to my self-esteem that it causes me.