[handledsadly]

Hi all. This is copied from my introductory post, I hope that's ok!

About a year ago I began to feel some very extreme feelings of guilt over past mistakes in my youth. The mistakes were when I was around 14-15. For years I have lived happily without this feeling of guilt or remorse (as I think I'd felt as if i'd come to peace with my past actions - or perhaps I just never thought about my past) but for the last year I have been finding it a struggle to cope with these feelings. I wake up every day and replay the mistakes in my head (first thing I do every morning, which is making me feel very upset). Because of this I don't know if I'm developing depression or something similar.

Online I have read that it's important to understand that we can't change the past and that we must be compassionate to ourselves and to forgive ourselves when we experience guilty feelings. We must also learn from mistakes and guilty feelings are there to ensure we don't repeat the same mistakes. This is some comfort and I have thought of a list of reasons why my shameful past memories can be explained but I am becoming increasingly aware that I have these thoughts (i.e. replaying the memories in my head), and that I feel as if I won't ever get over these feelings or ever truly forgive myself.

I describe myself as a kind and pleasant person and I would say that I never do (or have done) anything to intentionally harm anyone. My girlfriend thinks I am a great boyfriend and I have a good close circle of friends. I love to help people when I can. But these feelings of guilt (or remorse or regret) are tormenting me and I fear that new, happy experiences will always be tainted with these thoughts. The guilt takes the form of sudden intrusive thoughts when I am doing something completely normal. For instance I may be listening to a piece of music I enjoy and suddenly I will think "This is enjoyable, but don't forget you have these shameful memories and they will always be here." I am going on a big holiday very soon and I am terrified that I will not be able to really relax and enjoy my experiences without them being tainted by these painful thoughts.

I don't know if I suddently started to experience these feelings now as part of a "quarter life crisis" (i.e. finally leaving childhood and facing the trials of adulthood - I'm in my mid-late twenties), or if a repressed memory suddenly came to the surface for some reason.

It started around a year ago and I had a very bad Christmas because of it.I was surrounded by my family who are very loving and great people, but I felt consumed by shame and that I should somehow not be deserving of love or happiness.

I don't want to go into great detail about the mistakes of my past but they are based on sexual experimentation and probably have a great deal to do with the intense hormonal changes I experienced through puberty. They are not connected to any abuse form my younger days - I was never abused, nor did I ever abuse anybody else, and I had a very safe, generally happy childhood.

I'm very sorry for the wall of text here - it all just came out! I have not spoken to anyone about these feelings at all, and whilst I would consider therapy I would struggle with the time commitments and the cost of the treatment.

I'm sorry I'm not being more specific, but I hope I can find some support and guidance here. Any thoughts or guidance on coping with guilt from your past would be great. Thank you.

[SilverNeurotic]

I hate to say the obvious, but it kind of sounds like you should be talking to a therapist about this. It sounds absolutely horrible to carry around all that guilt, guilt that seems pretty baseless.

Bar getting professional help, perhaps it would help to kind of copy AA and seek forgiveness for whatever transgressions (real or imaginary) you feel you need forgiveness for. I would write out a list of everything you feel guilty for and try to figure out who you have possibly hurt in that process. If you are a church going person, perhaps talking to someone in your church (priest, minister, rabbi, etc.) might help.

Best of luck to you.

[handledsadly]

Originally Posted by SilverNeurotic

Bar getting professional help, perhaps it would help to kind of copy AA and seek forgiveness for whatever transgressions (real or imaginary) you feel you need forgiveness for.

Hi there, thank you for the response.

Can you explain what you mean by "copy AA"? Do you mean the AA support groups? I do feel as if I need to forgive myself but I am finding it very hard. I am also very very ashamed of the past mistakes I mentioned so it is very difficult for me to talk about.

Therapy would be an attractive option but I think at the moment it is just not feasible for me, sadly. Do you (or anybody else here) have any experience with dealing with guilt and shame through therapy?

[SilverNeurotic]

I think I meant to say copy the forgiveness step that the AA follows.

[fishtacos]

somehow you've just got to learn to forgive yourself for those mistakes in your youth, and love yourself again...I am routing for you my friend

Your experience sounds similar to mine. Fortunately for you, your present situation seems like a dream compared to mine. You have a partner, a family that cares about you, a future paved with promise. Be careful not to jeopardize these blessings in coping (I did, I lost more than I ever thought I could). I'm not trying to be pessimistic, in fact, I quite admire your situation. If all else fails, seek therapy and/or meds.

[avlady]

Yes try to go to AA or if you can get into see a therapist or doc that would help. Do you have any type of insurance that would help you pay for this? You are a good person, but sometimes we go through this kind of stuff at least once in our lives i think as i know i did, got on meds and usually feel alot better after i take them, they saved my life and my mind.