[tealBumblebee]

I'm not always entirely sick of myself. But tonight I am. I don't have it in me to be "friendly, perky, hyper Teal". I'm not mad or irritable. I'm just void. I have this feeling of just wanting to get away from myself. I know it started when I was reading a bit on my diagnoses (although T did caution me about this as she knows how I internalize things - but I didn't dig too hard). And i just read on how I can't really be "fixed" and how I could go through tangient moments where I won't stay on topic (very true for me) and how the T has to direct session because i'm incapable of doing so (mostly true) and all that was fine. But then it said how if T wasn't careful, under the countertransference part it said that the patient could bore the T. And I think I already have. And it just gave me this feeling of reinforced pathetic"ness". I'm just ugh. I don't know why I even bother sometimes. And then I was listening to music (my positive coping mechanism) and was listening to this song called "I wont let you go" by James Morrison and I realized - there is no one (that I care enough about) willing to not let me go. Heck, most people don't even know when i'm unhappy. And I don't want attention, or to seem needy. I'm usually okay alone. I usually prefer it. But then I have these moments (probably due to my monthly woman friend) where I just want to have somebody care about me. But how can anyone care about someone who is incapable of caring for them? Ugh. I'm feeling too much and yet nothing. I don't even know why i'm writing this. I don't know what to expect from it. I'm just so sick of myself right now. I know it will go away (always does) but when you're in the moment...it just really sucks.

[redbandit]

Don't believe everything you read, after all, most of the people who write/research mental illness have no first hand experience of it.
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad, I'm sure more people care about you than you realize. When I'm feeling down, I feel the same way. It's just our minds playing tricks on us!