[Double]

Sorry this is long, I've spent hours cutting it down.

My heart is heavy, I've been through a lot in the past year. I not only misunderstand myself and my behaviors, but I am also not getting the mental or emotional support that I need. Those closest to me have begun to look at me with nothing but strife (I cost money to have around), and today I have felt more alone than I have ever been. I feel that I need a change of scenery before I can move forward, and I can't get that staying in a bedroom. My bedroom is a bubble and I'm a complete germophobe about the things in it.

I'm 2.5 years unemployed for reasons too deep for others to comprehend, with no idea how to get myself on a career path. Born living with my parents, I have grown up away from all other family.. and even they don't seem to acknowledge my existence. My younger sister has already moved out and lives with a fiance. The closest thing I get to love or compassion is pornography, yet the feeling I have after orgasm is next to nothingness.

My parents don't understand me either, and I often wonder if they really care. My mom is as stubborn as they come, cannot listen worth a flip, investing all her efforts into Facebook and playing Zynga games with some guy she met on the site. My dad is old-school.. so much so, I cannot relate to him or the family name that I have been brought up with. He works himself hard and is often very self-centered about it. Money is one thing there never seems to be enough of; within the past few months I have felt the need to see a hospital because of a health related issue, but am expected to suffer through them because there just isn't any money. Some of my most traumatic events have occurred due to these circumstances.

A month ago I sought a psychologist for help, and have only been lucky enough to find an intern. Using EAP (Employee Assisted Benefits), I've only got 8 free visits to see him. I recently had my 5th visit, and am feeling hopeless about any treatment. I can't seem to keep my stories straight, I'm always bouncing around and/or having to remind him of past events to help him make sense of my condition.

At this point, I really just want to get away from everything, but I have no idea where to go. Part of me wants to visit my faraway family, but I'm reluctant at the same time because I usually feel like a third wheel whenever any family comes to visit.. I don't have a lot to talk about except problems. I have pondered the idea of a mental hospital, but that place seems more like a prison than a place of solitude and reconstruction.

[Thunder Bow]

My advice is to stay away from family process. Trust in yourself more to take care of your issues as you are now doing. You can't change your parents or expect them to give the parenting you did not get when you were growing up.

Getting sick will not get that parenting as well. Live in your own place.You will find employment again, when know you are your own source of emotional support. It nice to get it from others, but in the long run, it all boils down to you.

[packleader2]

I just happened to read your post this evening. If you are strongly feeling the need to get away for a change of environment, can you find someplace not too far from home, to find a sense of how you feel someplace else. It might give you a fresh perspective about the steps you want to take to change things. I agree with the comment of staying away from family. You will probably feel more empowered when you do get employed and if you like your new job, this can lead to new connections and friends for you. You live in Utah -- maybe some of the ski resorts are hiring now for the season.....just a thought.....not a suggestion, as we are not even friends. You have 3 more sessions with the intern...and that is a good thing you did for yourself. Have a good week and I really hope things start to turn around for you. All the best to you,

[avlady]

Good Luck in your endeavors. I also say to limit the time you spend with your family, it's not always a good idea especially when we have problems, some families just don't understand or feel like failures because someone in the family is ill and they don't know HOW to help the person, and they feel guilty instead and have a strange way of showing they want to help you because they don't know how. It's great you did get help and i hope you can continue to too.

[Double]

Thank you for the comments. I guess the reason I want to visit relatives is so that I can be a little adventuresome all on my own. My grandparents have a trailer that I could live in for a few weeks, but they're afraid I may not want to return. I agree! Anything is better than the hellhole I'm living in now.

My mom works for an airline and I may be able to fly over there affordably. I don't really know anywhere else I could go, I'm not comfortable with driving to places I'm unaware of. I'm terrible at directions, and need to learn them somehow.

Today I just discovered that I've been experiencing migraines for the first time, gonna have to get this checked out before leaving, if I do leave.