[IndieVisible]

We have a lot of talk about empathy here and indeed a lot of threads concerning empathy, but are we all talking about the same thing here? What is empathy? I'm hearing about putting yourself in some else's shoes and understanding how they feel. Ok, so we have cognitive and affective empathy. I certainly understand cognitive empathy, so is that enough? How can any one really know how another person feels? We can only simulate or estimate or approximate. Supposedly affective empathy is actually feeling what the other person is feeling. I've read a lot of stuff regarding this and I can not find a definite definition. It always goes back and forth, cognitive and affective can it be just one of them?

[Tinkerbel]

I think its both. But can we actually ever feel what someone else is feeling? My understanding of empathy is when a person is aware and mindful of another person's general mood. When someone is sad, usually we see visual cues such as facial expression and body language, and if we have a conversation then we learn the reasoning or use our own sense of reasoning to understand, maybe the affective part is when we try to relate it to a feeling we have had ourselves. Then we let that person know...somehow or other...(a hug or kind words) that we are aware of their situation. Have I just confused myself here??

[IndieVisible]

It is a confusing thing for sure. I can certainly recognize when a person is sad or hurt, I also know how sad or hurt feels, so technically that qualifies for empathy, even if I didn't really care. Unless the caring part is the affective part? In which case, some times yes, some times no, and to be honest most times would be no. So back to square one. I've read "professionals" explain it and define it and honestly? It sounds like they are talking thru their arse and they don't know either. Watching them on youtube is hilarious! The two part is confusing, actually only the affective part. The cognitive part is logically sound and makes sense. The affective part sounds psychic hokey pokey, like they are making it up as they go along.

[tealBumblebee]

Imo, I think empathy (defined as the ability to understand and share the feelings of another) is more valuable than sympathy (which generally comes from a "pity" stand point). When I think I am empathizing with someones struggle - I try to recognize whether i'm actually empathizing or sympathizing. I think I am empathizing when I feel as if i've put myself in the other persons shoes and feel moderately close to what they are feeling.

I remember in high school, there was a set of twins. The parents couldn't afford to send both on a trip, so they had to pick one of the two. Long story short - the conversation led to them crying and then me crying. My teacher looked puzzled and asked why I (who had nothing to do with this conversation) was crying - and I realized it was because I empathized with them.

You're right about us not being able to truly feel beyond simulation what someone else feels, but I think empathy is when it feels just as real to you as it does to them - even if it doesn't affect you in the same way.

[Wren_]

good question ...
there seem to be a lot of different definitions and meaning including those you referred to with affective and cognitive; and also a number of people confuse empathy with sympathy
we can recognise that other people have feelings and acknowledge those; and as you said there is also that idea of

putting yourself in some else's shoes and understanding how they feel

but someone else can never really be in your shoes and often their best guess falls way way short of what the experience is like for someone

I can say I understand something of how someone feels; but if I took that further and explored the feeling further with them ... we might find that my understanding doesn't match their experience. While at other times, our understanding may be much closer, and expressing this seems to help the other person

Not sure how much understanding is needed for someone to be empathetic though

I do know I get frustrated at times when someone says they understand completely (rather than with a degree of understanding) or empathise totally when they clearly have no idea what I'm talking about

[Wren_]

I remember in high school, there was a set of twins. The parents couldn't afford to send both on a trip, so they had to pick one of the two. Long story short - the conversation led to them crying and then me crying. My teacher looked puzzled and asked why I (who had nothing to do with this conversation) was crying - and I realized it was because I empathized with them.

interesting; i've had others say when we empathise we can do it with a distance ... without needing to be emotionally involved --- I guess, how therapists need to be at times so they don't get overwhelmed by the weight of painful stories as one example

but perhaps again it is that there are different definitions and understandings of empathy

[IndieVisible]

The reason I ask what is empathy is because some people are accused of not having it. Having what? That thing that everyone can't agree on? See what I mean? Even listening to professionals they don't all agree.

I do think we confuse sympathy for empathy a lot. The twins story qualifies for sympathy and pity, I am not sure if that would be empathy but what do I know? I'm the one asking!

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

I do think we confuse sympathy for empathy a lot. The twins story qualifies for sympathy and pity, I am not sure if that would be empathy but what do I know? I'm the one asking!

Probably. It felt like empathy to me because I didn't "pity" them, I felt like it was my own sister who couldn't go. (We were all on the same dance team and it was a dance trip.) However, i'm not a fan of pitying anyone (to pity me makes me feel pathetic) so it very well could have been sympathy unintentionally.

[IndieVisible]

Originally Posted by tealBumblebee

Probably. It felt like empathy to me because I didn't "pity" them, I felt like it was my own sister who couldn't go. (We were all on the same dance team and it was a dance trip.) However, i'm not a fan of pitying anyone (to pity me makes me feel pathetic) so it very well could have been sympathy unintentionally.

I definitely don't know, why I'm asking. I think women in general have more empathy then men. It would seem like a good bet any way.

[serloco]

in my understanding empathy is almost like a 6th sense. not everyone has it. it is the ability to actually feel what another is feeling.

[HealingNSuffering]

Originally Posted by serloco

in my understanding empathy is almost like a 6th sense. not everyone has it. it is the ability to actually feel what another is feeling.

This

To me empathy is not just putting yourself in somebody else shoes, anybody can do that even people without empathy. I think its an unhealthy way to go about your business, and they can drag you down with them if you have too much empathy (like me).

Empathy is understanding and sharing that person's feelings. Its neutral for good or bad and has nothing to do with pity. Not only are you sensitive to others feelings but you also feel those feelings with them. When I see somebody who is homeless and struggling I don't pity them, but I feel how they feel and understand what it feels like to be without a safe place to home. Begging for food and having people turn you down etc. Its a cold world.

When we are angry, empathy, rationality etc goes out the window. This is true for everybody.