i dont no whats rong with me :(

still new to this and not entirely sure what im doing or were to start i suppose the beginning would be best...

At the age of 9 i began being abused/molested by my elder brother and a cousin, the abuse wasnt violent, and was soon stopped by another female cousin who was being interfered with by these people aswell, it stopped with my cousin but my brother continued, he was only 2 years older than me, can i even call this abuse when he was so young as well? Personally i feel that maybe at the beginning he didnt fully understand what he was doing but he never stopped, until i reched 11 and discovered myself that it was rong, he was nerly 14 at the time and i threatened to tell, he began to et violent using any excuse to beat me up or hurt me or call me vicious names, this went on for years and i never told any one...

I lost 2 of my friends aged 14 in car accident which i struggled with, but learned to cope wih friends

At 16 i was sexually assulted in a night club, this is a very confusing incident for me as i had been drugged by one group of boys which i can only figure ust of been a "laugh" for them, but some one else took advantage when finding me falling down a set of stairs, this guy (a guy i was ment to be seeing) picked me up and started to insert his fingers inside me, i dont no if he raped me or what exactly happened as i can only go by the flash backs i started gettin a few weeks later, until i started getting flash backs i didnt no any of this had happened, there wer no signs apart from taking a pretty bad infection down below...

after getting the flash backs they wouldnt stop but i wouldnt tell anyone about them cos i was i was never sure, i began drinking very very heavily for 16 yea old, gettin myself intoicated at any opportunity, about 8 months later i discovered i was pregnant to a guy i had been seeing, but miscarried a few days after i found out! i never told any one until a 21 i snapped an told an ex boyfriend... he dumped me a month later, i went psycotic, completly, i beat my mother, the only person in the world who truely understands me and i beat her, iv beat up friends ive beat up my current boyfriend, i cant control it, as soon as a situtaion gets out of my control i loose it and fly of the handle, i dont no y, i cant stop, im ruining so many lives, ive just done t to my boyfriend again and now he wants nothin to do with me... whats rong with me? i just want to be happy with him and start my new life here in new zealand, ive been to doctors and councellors and i do so well for a while, i used to only have major freak outs through alcohol, but ive stopped drinkin and now im doin it 100% sober, whats rong with me???

You were abused! It doesn't matter what age your abuser was, you were abused in every sense of the word! I'm so sorry you had to experience all that, especially at such a young age. Don't think that you can't get through this. You don't have to feel this way forever. Have you talked to a doctor about this yet? If not, I strongly urge you to go and get referred to a therapist.

I'm so sorry you've experienced all of this! I hope for the best outcome possible with you!

I am just back from seeing a GP and iv been put on anti depressants, im not sure how i feel about this as i have been tryin to cope with this for over 4 years now (since letting the demons out) and i never wanted to be on medication, i dnt want to rely on it for the rest of my life!! I just wana be happy and be with my boyfriend, but i hate myself fr what i do to other people, the people that love me, i just keep pushin them away, these are my problems y do i have to keep takin them out on loved ones?? thank u for ur post, i just need to no im not crazy and that this isnt in my head xx