[Christine66]

I am anxious to get feedback on this...I started fantasizing very young mostly because I was fat and had low self esteem. I was into celebrities and fantasized I was different beautiful women and that I had whatever gorgeous guy I wanted. Finally, I got tired of jumping around and being different celebrities...yet I could not pick one that I wanted to stay with. So I created my own person and fell wholeheartedly into that fantasy. I made up my own biography of this person and and course she married the most gorgeous guy. I have added to the biography thoughout my 20's & 30's and acted out different scenes from my fantasy person's story - especially with her lover.
I am married and in my 40's now and still act out scenes from my fantasy woman's life when I want to escape my own life. I have a wonderful loving husband. Recently, I became very emotional during one of these scenes. I was acting out a scene from when I was reunited with my lover after a long time apart due to a misunderstanding. I pretended to kiss my lover by kissing my pillow and we 'both' started crying tears of joy since we were finally reunited. Then a funny thing happened... I was suddenly jolted out of the fantasy somehow. I was still crying but the crying turned to weeping as I realized that my lover was not real. It was like I was jolted back into being myself all of a sudden and I mourned the loss of this man I so loved. I wept for quite some time after that and have not been able to go back into the fantasy since; I think of him at times when I'm trying to work and I tear up at missing him.
I feel embarrassed that I have had this fantasy for so long and that I let it get to the point where it is affecting my life so and I don't know why.

[wisedude]

Well I used to imagine a lot of stuff, mostly when I was younger than recent years.

I guess you are an imaginative person, and this is a copying strategy for you.

Maybe you should write out some of your fantasies on paper.

Do you read much? You might like reading certain books with themes which are similar to your fantasies.

I don't know why you are upset, maybe you are sort of mourning a life fantasy, which you are accepting is never going to come true?

Best wishes.

[musicflows]

I think I kinda know how you feel. I invented imaginary friends since I don't have any real ones and I gave them each imaginary biographies and stories. Every so often, I get angry at them for being imaginary and angry at myself for not having the courage to make real ones. The anger quickly turns to the most horrible lonely feeling you can imagine and I have to go off and cry at that point. However, my imaginary friends always come back and I need to have them around to talk to when there's no one else. As much as I hate the un-reality and the feeling that I'm lying to myself, they are an important part of me and I wouldn't give them up for anything.

It's a battle is what it is. Your logical side that knows what's real and what's not is fighting against your creative side that is trying to fill your emotional needs. I'm guessing that in your experience with the pillow, your logical side somehow won out and left you feeling that way. It's a feeling of loss, loneliness, hurt, and sometimes a little anger.

Have you talked with your therapist about this? He/she might have some suggestions on how to cope.

[Christine66]

Thanks for your comments, Wise...I think I am upset because I have always been able to separtate my real life from my fantasy. Recently, my fantasy lover seems like he has been trying to get my attention in reality; calling me back so-to-speak...or touching me out of the blue.

Thank you for the suggestion about reading books related to my fantasy; I think that idea will help me separate the fantasy world from my own...since I am not in it.

[Christine66]

Thanks, Music...your comments mean so much to me. You made me feel like I'm not the only one with two sides battling and that I am in control of whether I give them up or not. I have not mentioned my fantasies to my therapist yet since I did not see a problem; they felt...healthy. I will do so now that the mood of them has changed.

I dreampt that I died last night. I was in a coffin - although I could not really see myself, my parents were standing over me and they were much younger. Judging from the age they looked, I must have been in my teens or early 20's. I awoke interpreting this as...young me has died. So maybe I am on the cusp of a new beginning.

[Perna]

I had the same situation but created a whole world; an international boarding school with boyfriend, best friend, favorite teachers/mentors, my own horse. . . and when I was in college, age about 20 I realized I was going to be graduating college soon and going out into the big, wide world and should probably ditch the fantasy one. I tried hard but found I was crying all the time too (over killing off my imaginary friends) and that woke me up that I had a major paradoxical problem. I realized my actual problem was anxiety over going out into the big, wide world so I started in therapy. My fantasizing finally was not necessary anymore for me about age 52.

[Thunder Bow]

What happened, is that you and your "fantasy" became one. It has fully intergrated into you, yourself. You and your "Fantasy" are now one and the same. The "Lover" is now a fully working part of yourself. That is why he is no longer a "Fantasy".

[Christine66]

Thanks, Perna, I am going to talk with my therapist about what the real reason for my fantasy might be. Maybe I can lesson it's power over me.

[Christine66]

Yes, Thunder! I think you hit it right on the head. I had a similar thought while dwelling on this issue; that my fantasy woman was actually a lot like me...only flawless. I just don't know how I feel about becoming one with my fantasy; I am a bit fearful.

[Ardose]

[quote=Christine66;3343608]I am anxious to get feedback on this...

I think you are suffering from a lifetime of extremely low self esteem and you revert to your fantasies to escape from the pain of your real life. It's an addiction just like being addicted to morphine. Because it has gotten to the point of interfering with your life, you need to take action to get it under control. I am suggesting that you seek therapy because you have a lot of issues to work through and you need direct human interaction to do this. Going to counseling can help you get a more solid footing in reality and help you to realize that you can make something of your real life and feel good about yourself. You shouldn't have to suffer this way. You can change for the better with a little help.

the closest i've ever got to what you're describing, is i used to make episodes of my own soap opera in my head.

the people in the soap opera had everything.. and did everything i wish i could do

[Christine66]

Ardose...yes, I did have the feeling of being addicted and will bring this issue up with my therapist. Thank You!

[Christine66]

Do you still have this fantasy, Shattered?

Originally Posted by Christine66

Do you still have this fantasy, Shattered?

i don't do it as much as i used to

sometimes though

with me, i don't think i'm ever going to be at a place where i'm happy and content, and that's where it originated for me- i wanted something to distract me