[missy1996]

Ok so when i was in around grade 4-7 i had to live with my dad and my step mum on the weekends and my step mum was very emotionally abusive.

She used to constantly say i was a brat and belittle me because of where i lived when i wasnt with them. She constantly shouted at me and pushed me . Additionally she would get the other members of my family like my half brother and grandmother to laugh about my faults when they thought i wasnt listening. Also she told me that hated me so much and that when i was away from the house the next week what she would hand out posters to my mums workmates and tell them how much of a b**** and a s*** my mum was. Being in year 4 at the time i absolutely believed that she was going to do it and was scared out of my mind. Also one time when she thought i was sleeping she sprinkled water on me and whispered that i was the devils child ( she was into weird witchcraft stuff). Even though i was in year 4 i can still hear her screaming to me that " once a backstabber, always a backstabber" and that sentence has always pretty much stayed with me my entire life. And as a result ive always had quite a low self esteem and have had alot of trouble trusting people and building relationships. Although the great irony was that i heard she broke her own back a couple of years ago.

I dont think i ever quite got over any of her abuse and i tried to suppress it and forget about it. In year 7 i went through quite a long and lengthy court process so i didnt have to see either of them. 5 years have passed since ive seen either of them and now im starting to get really vivid reoccurring flashbacks of my time in that house.

More than ever i want to scream at her like she screamed at me since i never got the chance to confront her as i was a child. I want to tell her how much she has hurt me and ruined my childhood. I want to look her in the eye as an adult and show her that she can no longer hurt me.

Am i being too angry/vengeful? Should i suppress my emotions more? Also what can i try to do to get rid of the flashbacks?

Also ive had a very bad experience with counselors, with one of them telling me about a member of my family had died casually before any of my family told me. ( the meeting had nothing to do with the deceased)

Also i dont trust my biological father as well as he did some very bad things to my mother before i was born.

What should i do? I dont want to keep this emotional baggage with me any more and move on in my life.

[kaliope]

hi missy
no you are not being too emotional or vengeful but holding on to these emotions isn't doing you any good. you are right that she cant hurt you any more so it is time to let go of the anger you feel because the only person it is hurting is yourself. therapy will help. sorry you have had a bad experience with counseling, but there are many good counselors out there that will give you a different experience than you have had in the past. take care. And welcome to psych central.

[January]

I am so sorry you have endured such painfilled things.

If I were you, I would look for a new therapist or a pdoc to help with the flashbacks and other feelings that you have. I think they are perfectly normal, but if they are interfering with your quality of life you need some help dealing with them.

I wish you the very best,

Jan

[mama pajama]

That's pretty horrible to go thru, especially at a young age. Don't suppress those feelings, they may come thru in other ways. Obviously your stepmother was taking something out on you. The people that either joined in or did nothing are not blameless. They might of been scared of her or whatever but shame on them anyways.

I agree to look for a therapist and start reading about abuse survivors, PTSD, and forgiveness. I know that forgiveness looks like the last thing you want to do, I get it. A friend told me its the most selfish but best thing to do for yourself. She doesn't deserve to have the ability to torture you after all these years. You can stop her from hurting you, by getting help, getting better and living a awesome life. Good luck

[missy1996]

Thank you so much for your comments,it makes me feel a lot better. I think i might go and start to see the school counsellor

[nicoleflynn]

Yes, defintely get some counseling. Don't repress your feelings; ;they are all you have to understand what is going on. An idea is to write a letter of restorative justice....restorative justice says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU; it take some of your power back that was stolen as a child. Feel ALL of your feelings; keep a journal, talk and talk and talk. Hugs