[kirby777]

Hi-

My ex BF & I, (he ended things 2 1/2 years ago plus, which broke my heart) are hanging out, watching TV, etc. **TRIGGER WARNING** His wife, whom he was on again, off again for the last 22 years, (we met when they were legally separated, and he had moved out, but told me they were divorced) killed herself. He claims he went back to her for monetary reasons and their son. He is NOT mourning her, and feels it would have been a murder suicide if the son was not in the house.

Anyway, I like a certain part of him, but always in the back of my mind, I think he is deceiving me about anything and everything. He lies about such unimportant things, and I catch him. T thinks I should use him as an "experiment" , on how to relate to people, get out in public, and use my skills from T. I do get her point. Her advice, if he contridicts himself on a statement, ask him in a pleasant, non threatening tone "I thought you said blank was blank?". She also thought if we started dating, we should have an open phone policy as they phone calls & teexts were issues in the past...him lying to me, not vice versa.

Well, I was alone in his house and could not resist...I looked at his email. I opened very few. I am extremely ashamed of my actions and know it is not the right thing to do. Poor decision on my part.

I just do not trust him. ANy suggestions??
Thanks.

[kaliope]

well I question why you would think to get reinvolved with someone who has hurt you in the past, that you know lies to you, and continues to bring drama to your life? I can see t's point, but I ask why set your self up to be in that position in the first place? it doesn't sound like bf has very good character and does that sound like someone you want in your life. it has already put you in a position to do something that went against your ethics and morals to check up on him. is this the type of life you want to lead? really think about these things before you proceed in this relationship. take care.

[kirby777]

Thanks kaliope,

You are right. I am not a private investigator and do not want that in my life anymore. There are a lot more questionable things going on w/his child which if I had a child, I would have behaved in a more responsible manner. It is too much drama.

T says "ask for what you want", and I do...but so far his average is not too high. T says this is probably not the person for me, but at least it is getting me out. But I have to weigh this w/the anxiety I feel over lying...I have a session today, and will discuss this w/her.

Thanks for your input. I appreciate it.

[UnderRugSwept]

Well, first off, I don't see how you could learn much (re: your T's idea of "using him as an experiment") by trying to relate to someone who has such serious issues and who is likely only going to make you feel worse in the end. I would be weary of anyone who lies that much; you know you will never be able to trust him. T's advice makes sense, if this were a stable, balanced relationship, but it doesn't sound like he has the same things to offer you that you do to him. As for checking his email, I think you are only trying to protect yourself, so I would not feel too badly about it. It doesn't sound like you would ever do the same thing were the relationship (however you wish to define it) functional and healthy!

I know what you mean by "at least he is getting you out." I did the same thing over this past summer with someone I used to see about 15 years ago, in my early 20s. After a few months I realized I was happier by myself than spending time with someone so dysfunctional (not that I am all that awesomely functional...I am depressed and anxious; however, I do not treat people poorly, as he was doing to me). I was glad when I stopped seeing him...I felt much less anxious. I wasn't getting enough from spending time with him to balance out the negatives, if that makes sense.

Good luck in dealing with this situation, I wish you the best!!