[CaptainKirk]

I don't know what's causing this, but it seems like at night time, every time I close my eyes I see this blade going across my skin, down my wrist, like how I tried it before I got help...except it's a big knife, and it cuts deep and... I see it over and over again... When I go to take my medication at night I see myself grabbing the whole bottle and just swallowing them all. It's these little flashes of some other reality, and I see these things... When I'm driving a car I see myself speeding up and wrapping it around a pole, and whenever I think about swimming I just find myself wondering what it's like to drown. Every night when I finally fall asleep I can't shake the feeling that I won't be waking up in the morning. Anything could happen, right? I see these things and I just get so scared. I don't think I want to die anymore, but I can't shake it. It's like it's following me around.

I had three friends, my best friends, die in 2013. It was a suicide, a car accident, and a murder. And I see it all, over and over again. It's not a hallucination, it stays in my head, but I see her hanging from my ceiling with blood all over, I think about the accident and I see the moment of impact over and over and over, even though I wasn't even there. I never saw any of it but I see it anyway. And as for the murder...that one doesn't haunt me so much somehow. But every now and then I can't shake the feeling that I could have stopped it somehow...lonnng long story, but it was sort of my fault...

I just want to stop thinking about all this. I don't want to forget everything that's happened, but I just want these thoughts to stop. I don't want to die.

[avlady]

hell, i don't want to die either. i think of it every day most of the day it is in the back of my mind. I'm only in my 50's but can count over 100 people who i know that have died even way more than that, and i get anxiety attacks about it too. I pray and have become very religious because of it I fear the Lord and am Roman Catholic as i was born into it, I think it keeps me stable i sometimes wish i were dead but would never kill myself. My sister hung herself in 1987 and I often picture it even though i wasn't at home at the time. There are a lot of ways we can die but i pray for myself i am with family sleeping when i do. I am not sure if i am allowed to make this post here, i hope it doesn't offend anyone. I always think of the Rose song:it's the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live. Every day i try to keep those words and the rest of the song which i actually can't remember now: lies the seed with the suns love in the spring becomes the rose. I am sorry this doesnt't do anything to comfort me, but its the closest i can ever come to begin to live. If anyone else has some words of comfort or songsand prayers that could help me too please show them to us. here.

[Thunder Bow]

Talk to a Therapist about these feelings. PTSD may the cause of this. Depression causes these thoughts as well.

[Verity81]

I'm thinking PTSD as well. Def speak to a therapist.

[SS4182]

I have had thoughts of suicide since I was 15 I am now 55, i tried committing suicide when I was 15 and failed, I tried a couple of other times, and I almost died from my medical disease that runs in my family in 2009 and when I was in the hospital dying I saw my deceased father reaching out his hand to me and I asked him if he was there to take me home and I made my peace with God but he was not there to take me home he was sent by God to see me through my suffering. After my surgeries and getting well my son went through the same thing so I know why I am here now it does not always make sense to us but we all have a purpose even if we do not understand what that purpose is. Hope this helps, just pray about it and read a verse in the bible every day and God will lead you out of it or lead you to someone else that you need to help and take your mind off of it for awhile at least.