Men and Money

I am in an odd situation. My boyfriend is not yet divorced from his wife and is not able to do so due to financial constraints. I live in the Southern United States an area colloquially known as the Bible Belt. Fundamental Christianity rules down here and finds its ways into our legislation.I am not wealthy by any means but I do live alone and have no children to support so my money is much more flexible than his. I want him to take some money that I have saved up and pay for an attorney to end this marriage so that we can start a life together. He is is not loving this idea because he says that it will make him feel bad. I am pretty sure by "bad" he means emasculated. He is the kind of guy that very much wants to be the material provider and that is great and noble but in this situation not very realistic. He is the sort of person that wants others to depend on him but he is not comfortable asking for help himself. He has expressed concern that if is ordered to pay alimony he will not have much money left over to help me with bills and such. I tried to explain to him that was not an issue for me. He has accepted small amounts of money from me in the past and has paid me back so I feel like I have made progress with helping him understand that a relationship should be interdependent. He has gotten better about it bit by bit but I guess my question is how can I get him to accept my offer without making him feel as though he is less of a man.

Is he still living with his wife?
How long have you two been together?

Yes he is still living with his wife, they are not a "couple" they maintain separate bedrooms. We have been together for two years now.

Why not give him a loan and put in writing that it is a loan and he will repay you? I think that would be good for both of you. If he isn't willing to proceed with the divorce maybe he isn't emotionally ready to do so.

I'm worried about YOU in this situation. He could be stringing you along with no real intention to leave his wife. I'm a bit suspicious of his excuse with 'money' being his explanation. If he really wanted to leave her to be with you, he would find a way and not drag it out for so long.
I could be wrong.....but I just want to point it out. I want you to have happiness in life and not have to deal with things like this. It just doesn't seem right to me, but I'm just an outsider looking in.

since you all have been kind enough to show interest I will be back on later to tell the whole crazy sordid story and get some of your reactions. I truly appreciate your concern Yumi and am not at all offended.

My guy's name is Jay and we are both in our early 30's and grew up in similar environments. He grew up in a alcoholic home that was plagued with abuse and violence. He was beaten by his father and on one occasion had a cig put out on his lip. So in short he grew up with the feelings of guilt, fear, and powerlessness that accompany growing up in an alcoholic home.

Jay grows up and he likes girls ALOT ! He proably enjoys the feelings of intimacy and acceptance. He gets his High School girlfriend pregnant. He did not want to get married he wanted to go in the Navy and be a SEAL. But the girlfriend came from a religious family that put lots of pressure on Jay to "be a man" and to "do the right thing". So he was married at 18. The marriage went pretty much as you would expect given the emotional maturity and Jay at least had never even seen a healthy relationship modeled for him. Within 6 months they separated. Lesson Learned ? Not exactly. This is where it gets crazy.

Jay hooks up with this other High School girlfriend Sarah. By this time Sarah has quit school, been raped by an acquaintance and has an infant son. She very much identified herself as a rape victim. I don't say that to be mean I say that to highlight that it was a core aspect of how she viewed herself. Jay marries a month after his divorce from his first wife is final and adopts her son. They go on to have two children together. The relationship is good for a few years.

Then things start to go bad, job loss, losing a home, that kind of thing. She is a stay at home mom and she is angry with him and blames him for the financial issues. This starts verbal and emotional abuse. Telling him that he is a white trash piece of *****, that he cannot provide for his family. Given that Jay really did not have good relationship with his father his understanding of his worth of a man is how well he provides for his family. The situation predictably deteriorates, he is unhappy and wants out of the marriage but was financially burned by his first divorce and scared. Money is a constant concern because she still does not work. When I met him she had just started nursing school and that was his light at the end of the tunnel thinking that if she was employed that he may not be ordered to pay alimony.

I was navigating my own bad relationship and just kinda stepped into his mess and decided that I loved him and I would stick around and here we are.

It kind of sounds like there is a bigger money issue than just the money to pay for a lawyer. I mean, even if you get him to take your money to pay for the lawyer, he still won't have enough money for child support/alimony/etc?

I could also seem him being leery of getting himself into a situation where someone might start blaming him for financial problems in the future. After a few years, you might get tired of footing most of the bills.

Good luck -- it does sound like a very awkward situation. From what you've said, I would let him deal with his own finances and divorce issues without getting involved, but I wouldn't want to wait around forever.

This whole 'live with the soon to be ex-wife/husband' is so common nowadays due to the crummy economy, but it's just such an unhappy situation for everyone connected to it (in most cases).

Thank you for your kind words it makes me really happy when someone understands the 'live with the soon to be ex-wife/husband' due to the crummy economy' issue. People have been very unkind to me about this whole thing some have told me that he would never leave his wife and suggested that I were delusional for thinking that he would. I don't have a time table for how long I will wait because I really love this man and I would hate to think I missed out on a great relationship because I just could not be patient.