[indigo1015]

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to forgive people from my past who've hurt me. I've been reading Tiny Buddha, breathing, trying to be compassionate and understanding. And you know what? It hasn't done jack. I know you will think I am a horrible person for this, and I'm truly sorry, but I CAN'T do this. I've been trying to absorb myself in those oh-so-altruistic sayings: "Forgiveness is for the forgiver." "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy." "Remember that we are all doing the best we can." I'm sorry, but none of this does anything to inspire me. I can barely like myself let alone like someone who royally screwed me over, so that first saying leaves me cold. Resentment... or memory? If I forgive and forget, it will be completely erased. What they did will be forgotten. And it shouldn't be! If they were truly cruel, that should be held against them forever. They deserve punishment. "We are all doing the best we can?" Um, no... we are NOT all doing the best we can, not when my job was taken from me and my supervisors never clearly explained why. Not when kids spat on me and shoved broken plastic cutlery into my sides on the frickin playground. Not when my mom still, STILL I tell you, refuses to own up to her mistakes. And I still have to talk to her -- how do you expect me to forgive and forget when I have to TALK to her every single week and she goes on and on, clearly never learning, EVER????????? Again, I realize how I sound... and the struggle with trying to do this is making me miserable. **** have I tried... I'm sorry

[Trippin2.0]

You can't force forgiveness, if it comes, it comes when it comes. Simple as that.

Also, forgive and forget is a really stupid sentiment. I'm a very forgiving person, but I have a stellar memory, and if I forget then how do I remember to keep certain people at arms length?

I think what it tries to convey is, forgive and move forward. That makes much more sense than forgetting altogether.

Anyway, like I said, you can't force forgiveness, you're obviously not ready for that step, so stop beating yourself up.

[indigo1015]

So, five minutes after writing this, the weirdest thing happened... a thought suddenly came to me: forgiveness does not have to be instantaneous, it will take time, but all I need to do right now is just leave the door a crack open. Just allow myself the option. Already I'm feeling better... I'm not saying I've forgiven everyone already (or that I've forgiven anyone yet, for that matter)... but it doesn't seem so impossible anymore :-)

Originally Posted by indigo1015

For the past few weeks, I've been trying to forgive people from my past who've hurt me. I've been reading Tiny Buddha, breathing, trying to be compassionate and understanding. And you know what? It hasn't done jack. I know you will think I am a horrible person for this, and I'm truly sorry, but I CAN'T do this. I've been trying to absorb myself in those oh-so-altruistic sayings: "Forgiveness is for the forgiver." "Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for it to kill your enemy." "Remember that we are all doing the best we can." I'm sorry, but none of this does anything to inspire me. I can barely like myself let alone like someone who royally screwed me over, so that first saying leaves me cold. Resentment... or memory? If I forgive and forget, it will be completely erased. What they did will be forgotten. And it shouldn't be! If they were truly cruel, that should be held against them forever. They deserve punishment. "We are all doing the best we can?" Um, no... we are NOT all doing the best we can, not when my job was taken from me and my supervisors never clearly explained why. Not when kids spat on me and shoved broken plastic cutlery into my sides on the frickin playground. Not when my mom still, STILL I tell you, refuses to own up to her mistakes. And I still have to talk to her -- how do you expect me to forgive and forget when I have to TALK to her every single week and she goes on and on, clearly never learning, EVER????????? Again, I realize how I sound... and the struggle with trying to do this is making me miserable. **** have I tried... I'm sorry

[indigo1015]

Yes... often I make the mistake of trying to do everything all at once... I need to remind myself to take baby steps

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

You can't force forgiveness, if it comes, it comes when it comes. Simple as that.

Also, forgive and forget is a really stupid sentiment. I'm a very forgiving person, but I have a stellar memory, and if I forget then how do I remember to keep certain people at arms length?

I think what it tries to convey is, forgive and move forward. That makes much more sense than forgetting altogether.

Anyway, like I said, you can't force forgiveness, you're obviously not ready for that step, so stop beating yourself up.

[monkeybrains21]

Indigo
I know how u feel. I have never forgiven anyone.i never will. It seems to me that most ppl have issues with following through when they say they are sorry and will never do it again. I tell them don't apologize for something u know ull do again. Humans are greedy selfish bastards. There are the exceptions though, but with like 7 billion ppl in the world they are few and far between.

I know I'm an extremely angry person, I won't apologize since I know I won't change, but I have only until recently seen the worst of human nature my entire life. For Christ sakes I can't even bring myself to forgive my sister who died 6yrs ago for something she did to me in 3rd grade

I would agree you cannot erase the past. The cruel actions of others cannot be forgiven without punishment. If you let it go...you will continue to be taken advantage of and will continue to take a beating. Your abusers will never learn anything by forgiving them.

[Nightside of Eden]

I don't even understand the concept of forgiveness. Am I supposed to think the evil things they did are okay? Well, they're not. Am I supposed to be okay with the things they did? Well, I'm not, and wouldn't know where to start changing that. Am I supposed to forget what happened? I'd love nothing better, but I can't. Am I supposed to stop wishing a long, painful death on them? Why? They've done nothing to change what they deserve.

So yeah, I'm totally confused by forgiveness or the idea of "getting over" things.

[Trippin2.0]

Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as revenge.

Forgiveness is different from condoning (failing to see the action as wrong and in need of forgiveness), excusing (not holding the offender as responsible for the action), pardoning (granted by a representative of society, such as a judge), forgetting (removing awareness of the offence from consciousness), and reconciliation (restoration of a relationship).

In certain contexts, forgiveness is a legal term for absolving or giving up all claims on account of debt, loan, obligation or other claims.

Well that's according to Wiki anyway.

For me, its not really complicated at all, but like I said, its in my nature so its kind of inevitable that I forgive.

The simple part: I see it as a tool to move forward in life.

I by no means condone the behaviour of my abusers, nor do I want to befriend them, but I have moved passed the stage where the pain they caused rests heavily on my shoulders. I'd like to think that this means they are atleast semi-forgiven. I'd like to believe that this means I've taken important strides forward, toward healing.

I'm not the grudge holding type, but when I actively tried to hold onto a grudge in the past, I was the most miserable, hopeless, heavy hearted I've ever been. And that says alot when you take into context that I'm not even referring to my brother's murder here...

Forgiveness is a weight off my shoulders, most people who've wronged me don't even know whether they are forgiven or not. It's got nothing to do with them, its about giving myself the permission to heal and progress. Something I cannot do when I'm holding onto the past with every bit of pain and anger I can mustre.

Why oh why am I rambling on this dear poster's thread?

I'm trying to say that for me, forgiveness proved more beneficial than actively holding on to every ounce of pain dished out to me. I'm honestly not sure how we get to the point of forgiveness, but what I do know is that it is a process, and I suspect it has much to do with the willingness to heal and move forward outweighing the need to hold on to the pain.

[indigo1015]

Thanks Trippin, that helps me a lot :-D

[indigo1015]

I've often been confused by that too -- I mean, letting go is one thing, but isn't the theory of evolution based on the idea that, from learning from past experiences, we evolve and advance? How can you walk away from a situation without learning from it? As Trippin said above, "forgive and forget" is a really retarded statement. Maybe forgiveness without the forgetting???

Originally Posted by notgoodenuf

I would agree you cannot erase the past. The cruel actions of others cannot be forgiven without punishment. If you let it go...you will continue to be taken advantage of and will continue to take a beating. Your abusers will never learn anything by forgiving them.

[indigo1015]

Hey... yeah I can be that way a lot too... my om is like that; she always seems to think apologizing makes it okay for her to do what she does again and again. I doesn't, but as this age, she'll possibly never learn. There's a lot wrong with human nature... I'm just trying to deal with it somehow because it's crippling me inside :-(

Originally Posted by monkeybrains21

Indigo
I know how u feel. I have never forgiven anyone.i never will. It seems to me that most ppl have issues with following through when they say they are sorry and will never do it again. I tell them don't apologize for something u know ull do again. Humans are greedy selfish bastards. There are the exceptions though, but with like 7 billion ppl in the world they are few and far between.

I know I'm an extremely angry person, I won't apologize since I know I won't change, but I have only until recently seen the worst of human nature my entire life. For Christ sakes I can't even bring myself to forgive my sister who died 6yrs ago for something she did to me in 3rd grade

[yumi]

I have an ex-husband who I am convinced used me for his green card. He laid on the love heavily and once we were married, he completely changed. There were warning signs, yes before this, but he had a way of drawing me in with his seductive apologies and promises of a happily-ever-after. He turned out to be abusive . I think he is a sociopath, as the lies that constantly spew out of his mouth with insidious confusion, blended a hand in my spiraling out of control into my own madness. I will never get over how this has hurt my children. I am so completely and utterly bewildered at how I could have fallen for this and in turn, hurt them so much.
I came to find out after divorcing this pathetic man, that he possibly had a family on the side, complete with kids! I still have not uncovered the total truth. I hired a PI to help me get to the truth, but he ended up just scamming me. I think me and my children deserve the truth. I'm afraid of trusting another PI.

I always thought I could never forgive this man. Ever. Yet, when I felt safe enough again to embrace and come back to God, I was able to see how important forgiving really is. I had zero chance of happiness if I didn't forgive.

Because I truly feel this man is a sociopath, I had to realize that he knew not what he has done. It is an illness, something I think he cannot help.

I have major depression and I know there are things that I can't help doing. I was born this way.

For this reason, I was able to finally find empathy for this man. Don't get me wrong, I want zero to do with him and I would never put him anywhere in my or my children's present life. He is dangerous.

I found a huge 'release' when I was able to let go and forgive. I let it go into Gods hands and it was the best thing I could have done.

God , if you believe in him commands us to forgive those who harm us. It is a tall order for sure, but I now understand this concept.

I also had a pretty bad father. I was able to finally forgive him as well.

I can only pray that someday, the ones that I love so much in this world that I have personally hurt, can forgive me. Not for my sake, but for the sake of their own souls.

I don't think we can truly move forward in life if we hang onto bitter unforgiveness. It doesn't mean to also 'forget'..... the only freeing part is letting go and truly forgiving. After that, I think distance is likely another key part of healing. Not to allow yourself to be placed back into more potential harm. Unless that person is truly striving for change, and demonstrating true, heartfelt work towards a better relationship, then its best to remain distant and pray for them to search their soul and finally do the right things in life.

I don't think sociopaths are capable of changing.....so yes, I will never re-open my heart to that man. That door is closed and locked shut. I forgave for my soul to be free, not for his sake. I hope that makes sense.

[BLUEDOVE]

I thought your words "I barely like myself " were
very important. I was severely abused by both parents and your damn right I don't forgive them!
What I DID DO,was work like hell on my lack of
self-esteem to such an extent that parents are of
no consequence whatsoever! I am so far ABOVE
them, I don't give a s---t!
Do work on your self-esteem,it will change your whole perspective,
and you WILL like yourself ! I strongly, MOST
STRONGLY, recommend the psychologist
Nathaniel Branden's books,he is the accepted expert
on self-esteem and changed my life. Here is a couple of titles to start you off: "The Six Pillars of
Self-Esteem" and "Honoring The Self " Please do
invest in dear self.
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE

[NWgirl2013]

Well...Forgive. Try. It is only about you, not the evil doer who did you to you.

You can think of it as you giving energy to the wrong thing. Your negative energy is working on you, not on them. Don't give one more ounce of your personal energy to someone who clearly does not deserve it.

Forget...? That is a whole other subject. I am a firm believer in Not forgetting. That gives you power too. It is the knowledge that will inform you not to let whatever pain that was, happen again.

Give yourself permission to hold yourself a little stronger if you face a repeat offender. You can only control your response.

In this life, the best you can do for yourself in the painful things, is learn. No one can take that from you.

Then let it go. Don't let it hurt you anymore. That is what they mean about the power to forgive. It gives you power. Then use all that energy you might have given to the bad, and use it for good. For your good.

I wish you only the best ...

That's okay ... You don't have to.

Some things truly are unforgivable.

Acceptance worked just fine for me ... Yes, this is what happened to me, this is the damage it did ... Here is what I can fix, here is what I can't ...

I've already fixed what I can and am still working on what I feel that I can't, because who knows something miraculous may happen one day and that will be fixed to!

Just remember to be extra patient, gentle & kind with yourself ... Healing is hard work!

[happiedasiy]

I agree with all posters above if you are not ready to forgive a deed/person don't push yourself.
I think before forgiveness of others, i/you really need to ask yourself why do I want to forgive and what does forgiveness really mean for you.

All the right answers.. so I can move forward.....holding resentment only hurts me.
Blah, yes it is true but it has more layers.
False forgiveness, when you think you have forgiven and it comes back again in different ways.
IMO, Some things are unforgivable, and the other person will have to deal with it.

One of the most important steps is learning to forgive ourselves.
And learning that all the malicious deeds done and how they affected me/you/others,still.

The Silent Self Harm is in this moment/in the present 'it' continues to be part of us everyday. In how we think, see, react or withdraw.
Healing comes in signs keeping an open mind everyday has a revolution if we are willing to see.
Stop suffering/ You have suffered enough/ You are worthy of Joy and Happiness/

Forgiveness usually comes at the end of a journey or we arrive at ....
IMO, begin when life began. This is separate but in conjunction with where I am today.
Meaning it is worked on specifically then brought in with working on today.
The focus of forgiving oneself is to allow some room between the holding of responsibility/blame and allowing some freedom in. It is a shift in perspective.
Love yourself unconditionally, you are worthy. You are intelligent and divine.
Nourish the person you are and softly point out when you begin to feel swayed to negativity.
Everyone has their own journey and what works for them.

[indigo1015]

Hey BlueDove... yeah I looked on his website and he says a lot of things that make sense and sound very helpful. Once I have some extra cash again, I will look into buying a few of his books :-)

Originally Posted by BLUEDOVE

I thought your words "I barely like myself " were
very important. I was severely abused by both parents and your damn right I don't forgive them!
What I DID DO,was work like hell on my lack of
self-esteem to such an extent that parents are of
no consequence whatsoever! I am so far ABOVE
them, I don't give a s---t!
Do work on your self-esteem,it will change your whole perspective,
and you WILL like yourself ! I strongly, MOST
STRONGLY, recommend the psychologist
Nathaniel Branden's books,he is the accepted expert
on self-esteem and changed my life. Here is a couple of titles to start you off: "The Six Pillars of
Self-Esteem" and "Honoring The Self " Please do
invest in dear self.
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE

[indigo1015]

Thank you :-)

Originally Posted by happiedasiy

I agree with all posters above if you are not ready to forgive a deed/person don't push yourself.
I think before forgiveness of others, i/you really need to ask yourself why do I want to forgive and what does forgiveness really mean for you.

All the right answers.. so I can move forward.....holding resentment only hurts me.
Blah, yes it is true but it has more layers.
False forgiveness, when you think you have forgiven and it comes back again in different ways.
IMO, Some things are unforgivable, and the other person will have to deal with it.

One of the most important steps is learning to forgive ourselves.
And learning that all the malicious deeds done and how they affected me/you/others,still.

The Silent Self Harm is in this moment/in the present 'it' continues to be part of us everyday. In how we think, see, react or withdraw.
Healing comes in signs keeping an open mind everyday has a revolution if we are willing to see.
Stop suffering/ You have suffered enough/ You are worthy of Joy and Happiness/

Forgiveness usually comes at the end of a journey or we arrive at ....
IMO, begin when life began. This is separate but in conjunction with where I am today.
Meaning it is worked on specifically then brought in with working on today.
The focus of forgiving oneself is to allow some room between the holding of responsibility/blame and allowing some freedom in. It is a shift in perspective.
Love yourself unconditionally, you are worthy. You are intelligent and divine.
Nourish the person you are and softly point out when you begin to feel swayed to negativity.
Everyone has their own journey and what works for them.

[2much4u]

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting!!! How can you protect yourself in the future if you forget what has happened in the past?Forgiveness takes all of the negative emotions out of you so they don't affect your health. Think about...they person/people you're upset with don't know what you're going through. They are living and enjoying life feeling that if you have a problem with them it's your problem not theirs. It's not affecting them at all. When you don't forgive the negative feelings stay inside you and keep coming up you can't keep them suppressed forever. They fester and ooze and the infection can destroy you and your happiness. You don't want to become a bitter old person. Don't let them have that power over you!!

[indigo1015]

Yeah healing is definitely tough lol... for me it's requiring constant work, constantly monitoring my thoughts and feelings, constantly thinking before I act... let's hope it's all worth it :-)

Originally Posted by Pfrog

That's okay ... You don't have to.

Some things truly are unforgivable.

Acceptance worked just fine for me ... Yes, this is what happened to me, this is the damage it did ... Here is what I can fix, here is what I can't ...

I've already fixed what I can and am still working on what I feel that I can't, because who knows something miraculous may happen one day and that will be fixed to!

Just remember to be extra patient, gentle & kind with yourself ... Healing is hard work!