Help...advise...support

I cannot get over the dump from my affair partner. Can you help without judging?I am not proud of this..intact so ashamed not shared with another soul...five years ago I started an affair with a co-worker, a divorcee, confessed his feelings he had for me...a married woman of ten years...to be fair to him he never expected reciprocity. We worked closely and had lot of regard and respect for each other humanly and professionally.we were drawn closely and I feel more deeply in love. My marriage had been dead pretty much before I'd even met him but being with him made me realize what companionship and the real thing meant. He too claimed he loved me and it was understood that we'd be together when the right moment came, causing as little lateral damage as possible. My husband lived in his own world, communication between us was almost nil and living in separate cities we met rarely. We'd stopped having sex too. I never had sex with my partner, went on dates or did anything lover-like. There was a lot of chatting, sharing through conversations at work and texts. The physical thing was not important and we thought it would happen when it did. I must also say that he brought out a lot of work pressure on me, sometimes causing me great grief and misusing his superior position. Six months ago he relocated and I was supposed to join him in his new work place. I too gave up my current post and was to join him there. I was to get a divorce which would not come as any surprise to my husband. We kept in touch by phone, I visited his new workplace and my job was almost fixed. My husband was quite keen that I should go as I was getting a better deal. Then one day out of the blue my affair partner broke all contact. No calls, texts mails and no response to those sent by me. That was four months ago. Now I know his game. Had no intention of realizing the future he claimed he wanted but I am humiliated, angry, jobless, living in limbo in a dead marriage. Don't tell me what I did was wrong. I know that... Not an hour passes without remorse and guilt. Going crazy with regret, he's moved on and flaunting his new connections...while I'm filled with self loathing and bitterness. Just sharing...can't do it with anyone in person. I am trying to move on...rework a really dead marriage with no success...after all been dead for almost 10 years but i am seized with panic attacks and have more than once thought of suicide.

How was your job almost fixed - just thru him? Not thru anyone else in the company? It sounds like he used you to get this better job. That happened to me so many times as a contractor - my superior would get a promotion due to my hard work then they would get rid of me, very harshly sometimes. Obviously you still have very marketable skills - im not sure how to explain what happened to your next boss, except to say the job offer fell thru.

He relocated to a better job and being at the Board level was in a position to recruit. Said he'd get me a better post than my current one. Yes I did work v v hard when we were colleagues...and though at times he did give me the credit....depending on his mood, he also took out a lot of frustration on me! I knew I was being abused but never had the spine to end it there and then....I wish I had. He's now doing well again..he's good in his work and has a solid reputation in the industry He is hiring former colleagues, whom he had run down over and over again, right under my nose..he is evil...is he not? I cannot think of any other explanation. Should I write to him and speak my heart and mind?...frustrating to put up silently, although I know I will not get the dignity of a response.

Please tell me if i should write to him. Speak my heart and mind....frustrating to be the one left behind...and he does not even realize the seriousness of my situation...will NEVER go back...but he needs to know what kind of person he is...and how irresponsibly he's behaved

This is not a situation I know much about, simply because I havent found myself in one before, with a filing marriage and new lover who then bailed out on you, and I'm very sorry that he did tht to you But, to answer your question, I do feel you should write him. If he wont take your calls or answer texts or e-mails.... yet you KNOW he is getting them, then write him, or even write a hand-writen note and make sure he gets it to let him know how you feel.. Just do it with class, dignity and in a way that shows your own strength and ability to move on, so he KNOWS that you are simply letting him know how wrong what he did to you was.

So, IMHO, you should write him, and even if you never hear back, at least you have said YOUR peace and know that you got everything you had to say to him off your mind and heart. Even if you get no reply.... you'll know he got the message and you have said your piece.

Go for it.

Best wishes and I hope you find peace of mind afterwards friend.

Beau

Are you getting the feedback you want?

More than anything else it's a relief to be able to speak to someone about something i deeply regret, not so much the indiscretion of a an affair, strangely, but the fact that I got carried away by an ambitious, manipulative, cowardly fraud, lost my job and peace of mind in the process...i still feel very bitter and used but at least i know there are folks who have the time & inclination to respond without judging....although not mincing words and while pointing out the reality...a decade down the line I will still wonder why he did what he did...but then maybe it won't hurt so bad

Why do you think, even on a professional level, he acted so irresponsibly...first promising me a position, then cutting all contact with me, then hiring itgers( whom he'd said were below par) and offering then dream deals?

Thats what i find more disturbing. Im sorry i am more focused on the job end of this! Maybe he thought you two were flirting? But he never intended a personal relationship, just a professional one. Then when you left your husband, he got worried.

I love helen fisher. Not for that quote, i mean for her work.

Love her too...learned a lot - really changed at how I look at and deal with relationships and being a woman and I am better for it!!!! She knows "what the brain is doing"...and still appreciates all the beauty. Did you not agree with her quote or her quotes in general?

Oh i just didnt want to imply that i ONLY liked her because of the quote. Shes been around a while, it seems like ages since ive heard of her. Im gonna hafta google her now. I think i read her pre-google!

Hello Lady of Shallott- I am new to this site and came across your post from a few days ago and I can read and feel the pain, anger, and confusion you are experiencing. I have had what it would call an emotional affair with a colleague at work. It appears from your post, you were completely dedicated to your job- your husband was in another city and to use your words, the marriage was 'dead'. As a woman and as a hard working employee, I personally believe we start to bond with these men around us -you spend time with them, you collaborate, solve problems, work on goals- you communicate. In my situation, working 9-10 hours a day and having a husband who worked on 2nd shift, my personal and emotional feelings became wrapped up with my colleague. if I have read and understand correctly, you never had a physical affair with your boss/ coworker during the peak of the relationship. IMHO, this is VERY odd for a man to not take advantage of having another woman in his life, at work, and in his bed. From my perspective, this man used you and perhaps unconsciously or not, lead you to believe you would be the next dynamic duo at the new job site or company. Again, if I understand the details, I think something happened - either he found someone else to fill the ' woman at work who.loves me and makes me look good ' roll ; or he was playing with your emotions the entire time to get what he wanted out of you- perhaps to help his ego grow larger than it already is or was and you were the brains behind him with the department and you made him look good - and he used you as a stepping stone. Again, these are my thoughts and opinions. I have actually seen other women be treated as the brains to help the guy get to the next step/BP or President level and sometimes they divorce their wives and @ other times, these individuals walk out without a glance back - on the backs of the romantic relationships and the hard work of others that were not insiders romantic relationships. As a woman in an executive level position, the emotional/ soft side of you has to be protected. My heart goes out to you- forgive yourself for whatever guilt you have - write the letter if you think you should- and I would suggest to wait a couple of days - revisit the letter and send if you feel you should. I think upon receipt of such a letter will only give him a boost to his ego and do you really want to hear back from him? He does not deserve your talent as a qualified employee and your heart is too fragile to confront him from a position of assertive strength. He deserves no more of your love, time, nor tears. Draw your strength from deep within yourself and move on with your life with your head held high - and never look back.