[QuietSoul2013]

I feel like I can't have fun anymore. Like I can't enjoy myself anymore.

Went to a concert last night. Was a good concert but I was in an angry mood. Didn't matter that I was with good people (my wife and my brother). Didn't matter that we were experiencing the first concert my brother had ever been to in his life and that he was having a great time. Didn't matter that it was a great concert (Cher). I couldn't shake my mood.

All I could think about was that I was an insignificant entity in a vast wall of people. All I could think about was that I couldn't be normal. I couldn't be happy.

What's wrong with me?

I have everything I ever wished for. Why is it I'm happy for what I have but I'm still feeling depressed? How can that be?

I have to somehow enjoy my summer, knowing I have to see a psychiatrist in September. What good is talking about your past. It doesn't change the fact that bad stuff happened and that every bit of it was my own fault. How is it going to help?

My wife asked me to explain my past to her and why it is a problem now. It made her cry. What good is that? That's why I didn't want to tell her. Now she'll get depressed because there's nothing she can do about it. If there was something that could be done about it, I would have done it a long time ago.

I tried to just shove it under the carpet all these years and now all of a sudden all the emotions are back. Now I can't feel happy about the important things in my life right now.

I don't want to think about the past.

I want to think about and enjoy the now. Why can't I? Why is everyone else able to do it and not me?

[pegasus]

That is what depression is like unfortunately. The only thing I can tell you is that therapy will help you with how you feel about the past. You blame yourself right now, is that really true? Talking it through will help you see things much more clearly.

[QuietSoul2013]

Yes, I blame myself.

Every bad experience I went through, I made the (stupid) choice of putting myself in the situation. Many times it was to protect someone else but I knew what was likely to happen to me and it did. I felt the other persons safety/health/happiness was more important than mine. If I couldn't find a way for both of us to get out of the situation, I put myself in the middle to protect them. So, yes, I am to blame.

It's stupid that I'm in the place, now, that I always wanted to be in and now, I can't be happy because all the stupid things I got myself into are catching up to me now. My therapist said that's normal and the effects of the stupid things come back to haunt you when you get to your happy place. So I guess I'll never be able to appreciate what I have and be happy and normal.

Normalcy ... what is that?

[QuietSoul2013]

I went to my family doctor for help because I was getting chest pains and migraines and panic attacks. He referred me to the mental health clinic as my heart health was fine. I guess I'm not dealing with the mental health stigma too well.

Finally saw the therapist the other day and told him most of my life story. He said he could refer me to a psychiatrist who would prescribe pills to help with the anxiety attacks. I said I didn't want pills ... no crutches. I just want to be normal.

He said he would refer me to a psychiatrist, then, that does not prescribe pills and prefers to use other treatments but this psychiatrist (the only one of her kind) isn't taking any bookings until September. Wonderful! My family doctor then, gave me 6 months more off from work. Therapist said it was the job that was making me sick.

Actually, it is just one, of many triggers, I believe.

Don't know what all my triggers are but I've thought of some that may be:

Don't like wall to wall people
Don't like parties (even if they are with great friends and family)
Don't like walking around by myself
Don't like people following me (friend or foe)
Don't like people looking at me
Don't like public speaking
Don't like people thinking they need to get me into the conversation
Don't like people ignoring me when I'm trying to speak
Don't like people trying to dominate me during sex
Don't like people ignoring me but paying all their attention to my wife
Don't like people who ask me a question then not listen to my answer
Don't like going to busy places

These are all daily things.

Don't like feeling like a different person on the inside than I am able to portray on the outside.

[Thunder Bow]

It is your PAST that is making you feel you do not deserve fun and success. You had a good time, now except that, know that you deserve a good time! Thus do examine your past with the Therapist Please!

[QuietSoul2013]

Yeah, that's what the therapist said.

When I see the psychiatrist in September, I guess, she'll be wanting to talk about my past, a lot. Not really looking forward to doing that! Sounds counter productive ... talking about that which you'd really like to forget ... but can't.

Anyway, the other day, when I signed up on this site, I didn't remember that I'd been a member on this site before, so created a new account (QuietSoul2014). Then, this morning, when I signed in to this site, today, I couldn't remember my username or password so checked my email for it and found QuietSoul2013 and the password, so I logged in with that and posted for the first time in about a year, forgetting that my username was QuietSoul2014. Then, went offline for a few hours, and again, forgot username and password but this time instead of looking in my email, hit the forgot password link and reset my password. When I was logging in, I noticed the username came up as QuietSoul2014 and suddenly realized I had 2 accounts now. So, both of them are me. Just thought you all should know. And I'm not sure what I should do about it, except stop using one of them. I'm going to try to use the other one, QuietSoul2014, from now on.

Very sorry for the confusion.