Tough day - how would you handle it?

Today was the first day of my lab class at school. I'm an older student. A guy I know by name came in late, someone in the same program as me, and I invited him to sit with me. (Because I didn't have a lab partner. Most people came in with their buddies. I don't have any.) But he didn't want to discuss the reasons behind how we should set up our apparatus. He just wanted to do whatever, not think about it. The whole purpose is to think about it and get good data, as the instructor's later summary underscored. So anyway, I was frustrated with the guy's indifference. I was trying to cooperate, and he turned it into, "Okay, whatever you want." But what I wanted was to really do the lab, as a team. Not just do it my way.

Then suddenly he started ranting at me. "Why did you ask me to sit here. We've never gotten along. We've argued in every class for years." (As I said, we're in the same major, so we have shared many classes. But never before a lab.) I was astonished. "What do you mean? Why do you say that?" Then he started blaming me for being so rude, always rude. I was further astonished. And I started crying a bit. Turned away. Lab assistant asked if everything is Okay, and I said no.

We went outside and talked and I explained the above. The lab assistant said he was watching before this happened, because he anticipated problems because of the guy's attitude. I was further astonished. I explained I just wanted to really do the lab, and I have nothing against the guy, but if I were doing something wrong or rude, it can be dealt with without making it personal.

I was a wreck. Went away for 5 or so mins, cooled down, and then we worked together in the lab. He was really nice after that. Main point being he actually worked on the lab properly. I don't mind working with him as I'll have to next week, but I feel quite fragile about all this, unsettled. I would rather move forward without feeling so bad about this.

I acknowledged I may appear rude because I'm different and on the autism spectrum. I don't mean to be rude. I wish I hadn't cried, but I was so take aback by all this. I am not great with people, but it's easier if they act like adults and actually try to do the work rather than do some bogus version.

I find people things difficult. THis is a good example. Previous lab partners haven't taken this attitude before. Usually people care about quality data. It's bizarre to me.

What do you think? Would you have done something different? How would you have made this situation better? How do I move forward and do better in future?

Nothing you did was wrong. You tried your best to work with a difficult person who tried your patience beyond acceptable levels. He is the person who has a problem interacting with other people more than you do, I think.

How much longer until the class is finished? You may be stuck with him for a few weeks. If he chooses to not participate as a team member you cannot force him to do so. You may end up doing most of the work but hopefully this will be over soon and I hope you can avoid him in the future.

The class just started. It's 13 weeks. I know I'm stuck with him for next week.

It's really the coping with emotions I'm having problems with. Feeling so bad and trembly.

Thanks for reply.

I don't see what you could have done differently. You had no way of knowing that this guy would lash out at you like that. It was nice of you to invite him to sit with you.

This is a total assumption on my part, but it sounds like this guy was in a bad mood when he walked in and he took it out on you.

i agree with the above posts

I feel really embarrassed that I cried. I'm a crybaby and I cry easily. I don't let it stop me from doing whatever work I need to do, though. I just have such a sense of failure in life that is triggered easily, and I was never great with emotional wisdom, despite struggling for years. I still work at it, but I'm very discouraged.

You lab partner is a Bully with a need for Control. He was very controlling. He probably suffers from BPD and other emotional issues that has nothing to do with you. It will be best, you let him be by himself, and you do the experiments alone, or with some one else. You will get no where with him.

It happens. What can you do? I've cried at work when I've been really frustrated and also feel embarrassed, but it still happens.

In this specific situation it got the guy to back off and provided you with some breathing room. He did the work properly afterwards. Not a bad outcome-- and I doubt anything you directly said to him would have had the same effect. It's still too bad that it had to happen.

You are not at fault, you did fine. Some people are just a##es.
Crying is OK, don't be frightened to express yourself.

This reminds me so much of a particular day i had at work in 1988 -it was that memorable! I had been asking my direct supervisor questions as the day went on, and for the first time in the two years i had been working for him, i felt fulfilled, as if i had gotten everything i needed to do my job. Later, HIS boss told me that he had come to her and told her that if he ever had another workday like that, he would quit, he had found me so annoying. Happiest day - worst day. I think we were both Asperger but uncompatible

You have courage, and I think you handled the situation well.

I hope that you will recall how well you handled the whole situation with this person.

Unfortunately, I can mostly recalled how I babbled TMI to the assistant and prof, and that I cried. I can't see that I handled it all that well. At least I was honest. And when I came back I calmly worked and just told my partner that I never meant to be rude to anyone, and a couple other apologetic things. Or maybe that was bad, too, but it felt right.

The guy came in late. Maybe he had a bad day and just took his anger out on you. I don't see anything you did wrong there. Don't feel bad about crying. He shook you up and he should have apologized for his behavior. I'll bet you he was already angry about something else. It still doesn't make how he treated you in any way right. I'm sorry this happened to you

Wow, I can't believe it. In the lab class hat started this thread, my classmate asked me if I was takin a particular class. I was. Then today I find out he joined my class. WTH?? And I had to give a presentation, and he made an inappropriate comment in it. Thankfully just one! So he's in both my classes. I don't want him as a lab partner.

I need to take up meditation again. It makes me calmer and less reactive. I need to not respond to asinine comments like his during my presentation. Sheesh!! I hope he gets hit by a bus and dies slowly and painfully.

At least the instructor said our presentation went very well and set a high standard for our classmates, due to the depth of our knowledge. Much of which was due to my research.

Hallelujah, today I got a new lab partner. The bad one had to go sit somewhere else.
Whew - back to the normally scheduled labours.

Good to hear! Hope all goes well for you

Memorize this phrase: "Sorry,that's not acceptable
to me." Say that if he starts again,then tell lab assist
you can't work with him.
On second thoughts,save yourself
the bother,and tell lab assist you won't work with him.

Thats freakin weird. About him joining your other class. Especially after what happened friday night in santa barbara. When did this kind of scary stalking behavior become an option? Why does he have this much free time on his hands? If hes been removed as your lab partner, i would at least notify someone about the other class. Like the police.

Well, I really don't think it's stalking, but it did sure look weird to me. Guess we'll see how it plays out. My presentation is finished, and his is next week. He was not a big talker in other classes. Clearly he didn't like me, in hindsight. I thought he was just a jerk, didn't think it was personal stupid comments to me only. I will ignore him. If he does not, I'll ask the instructor to tell him to avoid me. There's no reason we have to interact. And I'll mention the weird course thing.

Except next time he interacts with me, I'll tell him to stay away from me. I have never had to do this with anyone. In the lab, we had to get supplies at the back of the room. When I got mine, suddenly he was there sticking his hand in the container so he could get lots at once, whereas I was picking and choosing. Why the heck didn't he just wait? He should avoid me, instead. Idiot.

My husband was very angry and paced back and forth outside the lab when I was away at the bathroom, and glared at my partner from outside the big "fishbowl" windows. (I had no idea he was going to do this. I thought he was coming to meeet me only at the end of the lab.) He feels protective, but I have mixed feelings about him doing this. I don't think it was the best idea.

Funny you should mention the Santa Barbara thing (Elliot Rodger (sp?)) . I can identify with that guy, because I am an autism spectrum social reject. However, though I have been that way all my life, never been part of the social life, I have never plotted to hurt anyone.

Yeah now thats some transference. OTOH, re hubby, sometimes when guys know there is a man in the picture, they back off. They wont respect a woman, but they will respect another man.

Transference?

He is not reacting to you as YOU, so he has some transference going on. He is reading hostility or something where there was none, at least not before he started acting like a butt.

Okay, I don't quite understand transference, but you are right about him interpreting argumentative/hostile attitude where there was none. I found that odd from the start, but I (stupidly, I suppose, but what else can I do) just overlook people's quirks, since I don't have the social savvy to interpret them!!