[Sleepyjazz]

Hi Everyone,

I just spent a moment reading through the emotionally sensitive in relationships, in the Home page of this site,
I think it was the most accurate description of myself i have ever read, so i thought i'd join up.
The one thing that wasn't accurate was that it referred to the emotionally sensitive as the woman, which is a bit sexist, haha, I'm a male, who grew up with a lot of women/girls around me, so something was sure to rub off on me, and thats what i got. It's not a issue in itself, "some people of course get a bit weird about it" but that's life and thats their problem. i quite like it, most of the time, but it is always with Women who i get attached to, and that can be one or 10 at the same time, without any sexual content, add that to the mix with a lover and its much worse than what i write below

About the only time it becomes an issue is when the other isn't keeping up. isn't saying anything, and when they do, isn't making any effort, it's usually the same old things that i experienced from past relationships, thus the worst thing possible enters the relationship.

I start projecting past hurts, and i see those hurts come right back at me, so i blame her, until i realize what i'm doing. but thats usually to late.

By this time, my mind is in a whirl, the imagination is at it's best and the frustration builds trying to save what can no longer be saved, usually the only way to move my thinking is to give in to the urge to either say something nice, or say something really horrible, if i don't nothing will move, i meditate, i pray, i go for a walk, play my guitar, doesn't matter, in all my years i have never figured how to find a way to release this frustration, before i let it out on the person i love.

Yes i know, i have to stand back, but this is a problem also, and i can do it with anything but relationships, i either love too much or i just don't care at all, annd if the person i love asks me to give them space, well about a week is the limit, and thats pushing it, 2 weeks and i'll be in short circuit mode, somewhere between 2 and 3 weeks, i just break it, put myself into an emotional state, partly accept then i just destroy any chance of the other coming back.

The heart suffers, and tears at the mind, but the mind just doesn't care, it will find a way to bury the other until anything nice about the other is distant and can hardly be felt.

Im at this late stage right now, i just lost someone who was probably the best thing that happened in my life, and i did all the above, Again,

I don't completely blame myself, she didn't use the release valve i tell everyone i feel something for, she projected her issues onto me, which clashed with mine, and as i grew up in the day when there was no internet or mobile phones, so there was always a little time to think about what you were going to do, now there's no hiding, think it and throw it

As i mentioned earlier, she's gone, "and i note here she was only a special friend" not a lover, I loved her character and presence, and something quite beautiful and untouched in her heart, "now that is gentle of me" the reality of my destruction was hours ago, the final, burial of any feeling in my heart for her, any nice things i say now are from the mind looking back, not the heart actually feeling something.
Would she ever forgive me, ? haha, no way, not now,

Knowing all this, and losing this person now leads me to finding some answers and solutions to these isuues,

How to forgive myself and those in the past, chanting i forgive doesn't work for me, tried it,
Standing back when in the middle of the fire,
Letting go with grace and just leaving it as it is.
finding something positive to hold onto when theres a lull in the fire, so the imagination can settle.

Anyone with some helpful hints/idea's would be appreciated, a good book, "if it isn't about the end result and not the way there, way to many books out there with little practical use,
Getting the mind to listen to the heart a little more in tough times, especially when it has some questions it wants to ask the other that are not really appropriate, usually imagined from snippets of information in a mixed up head

Anyway sorry about the length of this, haha,

Hope you all have a good day, evening or night

Thanks

[kaliope]

hi sleepyjazz
I think it takes loving and accepting our selves, including our faults that allows us to forgive. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[waiting4]

Hey sleepyjazz and welcome

I know exactly how you feel and have been in your shoes more times than I can comfortably relate; I've been diagnosed BPD and my 'all or nothing' attitude with many of the relationships in my life, has done a remarkable job of nearly destroying my life. The walk-back from the brink was no great thrill either, I might add.

It is possible, to slow that distructive process with love relationships and friendships but it takes a lot of work, and absolute awareness of not only what you're doing, but why you're doing it. It doesn't happen over night, but it can happen if you want it bad enough. I too remember the days before cellphones, and emails that could crush someone I loved in relatively short sentences, for a perceived wrong that nearly always was just that...my perception, or rather, my twisted view of reality. Sometimes, being tremendously (and horribly) empathetic, I was right and they were distancing themselves from me (which of course made it easy to vindicate myself from the awkward reality that I'd caused it), and justification was dry and bitter across my palet. Didn't stop me tho. Just confused and depressed me.

Then I'd meet someone new and the whole thing started again....only after awhile, I realized as the relationship grew, that I was going to do something, eventually, to muck it up. It was not a matter of 'if'. It was a matter of 'when'.

When it finally became a matter of 'why', I was partially freed...of course, I still deal with it everyday...but I'm more stable, and am making better choices. Not perfect choices, but better ones.

The BPD forum might interest you, and also the NPD forum. Have you sought therapy or counselling for the issues you relayed above? If not, I'd suggest it. We can't diagnose here, of course, but I think you sound so much like me, our issues could be similar. If so, I know, if you want it, therapy can help.

Again, welcome to the site. PM anytime, if you like.

Btw...it's afternoon with me. lol

[Sleepyjazz]

Hi Waiting,
Thank you for your reply,
You sound like you have had a tough struggle in your life, and are learning new ways to come to terms with them,

One of the big problems with many issues whether they are life long, long term or short term is that they all have similar ways of appearing, we always blame ourselves because it's easy to see what has happened after the fact, but the truth is often that both parties are equally to blame, one partner triggers the other, to act in a certain way, the connection couples have, the empathy and love that was, turns in on itself, the connection is still there and the empathy, but you both pick up each others feeling, and because now they are negative, they create a sense of panic,

I trace my issues back to 12 years ago, in a foreign country, Physically ill, and my G/F at the time didn't take kindly to this, she wasn't important to the event but she was the instigator of some very nasty events to follow, kind of killed my trust in humans,
So i was stuck, couldn't leave, couldn't get any help, so i buried it all very deep, and waited it out.
It's not a big issue now, but it's a lot of little things that need cleaning up, and the little things are the things we slip up on.
The Woman who brought me to this realization now, also has a trust issue, in that she can't tell me what i already know, and i needed her to tell me, alike attracts alike, or the negative of that.
so now that everything is fresh again, everything from 12 years ago now sits on the surface, now is the time i do something about it

Thanks