lifeless

hello there. im feeling kinda lifeless for maybe 2 years.. so i decided to post something on a forum for help. so yeah, im feeling lifeless. my mom and dad push me to stop smoking and just do things but i just can't and it's only annoying me. i just can't bring up to go outside and make friends or w/e.. or even online it goes wrong with the person i like. he dislikes me now, which makes me very sad. and because of this lifeless feeling, i still wonder if i actually like him and people wonder about that too. i seem like an overly attached girlfriend though i am not even his girlfriend, just because i don't know how to get attention of him. it makes me desperate. and with this desperate thing.. i go obsessing over stuff which ain't even necessary to obsess about. like: "do i really love him?" which is still a question which worries me. because when i would really love him, i wouldn't do such awful stuff to him like selfishly spamming his name 100 times when he's gone or busy, or yeah, you know, all that stuff. it was an example. anyways, my parents are pushing me to do stuff, and all which im busy with, is smoking, eating, and waiting for messages from him, or maybe his friend or doing w/e on pc to get a sign of him. i get mad at my parents when they push me to do stuff, or steal my pc or ciggarettes.. and i don't want to. i heard from the person which is helping me, you know, something like a psychiatrist. i can't explain it well. i have 3 of them because my parents are so desperate. that im just like every other teenager wanting freedom. you know, i want everything just to get that freedom. but i don't know where i should get it and my parents don't allow me anything. they work for my ciggarettes they say, but at the same time want me to quit. i get it because i don't want to quit. but i just don't know what to do else. i should find a job, but im afraid, and my parents too, i won't do well there. and i actually want to spend every second on that guy out there on the internet.. they say i should let him go, but i just don't want it to end like this. like, i totally misbehaved to him. and if i would find a job, what would i do with the money? i would visit him with the airplane while he doesn't want to. basically, that guy is just in the center of my life. while he doesn't want me and it takes all my time. it makes me lifeless and maybe "obsessed" for that guy. i don't know how to change it. all i want is his attention. but i want to feel better too, and i won't get his attention anyways when i feel lifeless.

Hello Melomelon and welcome to PC. I'm glad to see you are able to navigate your way around the forum!
I am sorry you are feeling so upset and lifeless. It is difficult to be a teenager, but I think your parents may be right about the boy. It doesn't seem healthy to have your whole life be about an online relationship.
Maybe try and take a little time away from him and go out and do normal teenager things? I hope you will be feeling better soon and again, welcome to PC! We are a very friendly and supportive bunch.

hey there. thanks for replying. but the problem is, i really don't know if im whining for nothing and getting people in this situation, like my parents and sis, or if it's sincere what im feeling. i know even then i wouldn't be allowed to let my parents and sis have all this trouble with me. but it really goes wrong between him and me (we aren't in a relationship) and i wanna know why. because if you really like someone everything is supposed to be alright? or not? i don't know what makes me do all this stuff to him. i jumped from conclusion to conclusion for long to explain myself, and all i can think of if he cares about me too.. just as a friend at least. i mean it's internet, im far away, he doesn't even know if i care if i would. i would find a job and change myself for him if that's what helped.

hey there, thanks for your reply. i would change my life for him if it helped, but i just wanna know why i do all these things, and if i really like him. i mean, if you really like someone everything is supposed to be alright, isn't it? the only thing i could talk about with him the last days i have talked with him, were vague explainations about why i behaved this way, and if he cared about me (we aren't in a relationship). now he dislikes me. i wonder if he really dislikes me. but like, it's so far away. and he's hanging out with all sorts of people who he might like more than me.. im nothing to him. and how can i ever become something to him? that's like, impossible. so i give up.

to add more about it, i liked him before, like really. and i was sure of it. and when me and my bf just broke up i saw him again in a game, and he started a relationship with someone else which made me really sad. he added me on skype and it was like i couldn't reach him, i don't know if it was a feeling or just a fact. i think it was a feeling. i don't know what it means. i have it now too. it makes everything hard. i was in a huge depression later and didn't come out of my bed for once, just to draw (him) or to check if he was online. and i had to get into a clinic. i was staring into a window for like 4 months, after that it went better and talked with people and had fun and stuff, and there was a girl i had contact with and wrote letters with (i still talk with her). i really loved her but sometimes it just went wrong with her too. i felt like i couldn't reach her. i had that with everyone since then and it really made me sad. i came out of the clinic and had trouble with people there too, because i wanted to "reach" people so badly, i got kinda desperate. it's like, knowing for sure they care or something.. so yeah, much stuff happend and after a year i saw that guy on facebook. i feel different than before. maybe it's because so much stuff happend, and i got veryvery desperate. i still want to impress on him more than others, and think he's the coolest person on earth.. but he doesn't make me happy. so what's that?