[Lady Lindsey]

When I first met my T, we determined very quickly that Friday evening would be when she would see me (last time I saw her, I asked her if this was still a good time for her as she has gone through a lot this past month and had significant changes in her personal life. She said that it was still good with her, and that it was a very coveted spot and that she only let certain, reliable patients keep this spot).
Ok, should I feel flattered that I am a 'reliable' patient/client? I mean, I don't know how many times I have pulled over in a parking lot not too far from her office and debated if I was going to turn around and go home. I dread going every Friday, but Friday nights are the only time that really works for me.

I hold a responsible job (don't ask me how I have fooled the world into thinking I am capable, one day I expect to come to work and find a pink slip because they found out I am not really who they think I am).

Because of this job, and because therapy usually leaves me a bit shaken for a day, we determined that Friday allowed me the weekend to 'recover' because coping in the real world is apparently very important.

But I am not doing such a good job of it lately. There are very few people that even know I see a T, and one is my Admin Assistant. a few weeks ago she looked at me and said "you know it took you until Wednesday to recover this time". It shocked me and upset me. I usually am pretty good at pushing things back and pretending everything is ok until Fridays... but the past month has been extremely tough on me as I start to realize that the little girl I know so many horrific stories about, might just be me.... I am having a hard time staying present and doing my job.... I am worried and stressed. I was really thinking of stopping Fridays for a while or just stopping all together for a while...

Problem is... if it is such a coveted spot and I am apparently lucky to have that spot, do I give it up and risk not being able to return to it later??? Do you think she told me that just to keep me coming back? She knows I have been teetering on quitting because of the things that we have been working on.... sigh

I want to quit, but at the same time I don't.... I want to know, but at the same time I don't. I have spent so much of my life in a zone or dissociative states, that I don't think I know how to cope as we get closer to the truth..... so do I go or do I stay.... that sounds so cliche'

But really do I give up my Friday nights and risk not getting them back?

[atomicc]

I personally do not think it is a good idea to give up on therapy, it sounds like you are dealing with difficult things and that can be scary, but it's even scarier to walk away with those emotions unresolved and no support to deal with them.
I don't think she told you that just to keep you coming back, I think she was trying to let you know that you have this spot because you are a good client and she wanted you to know that you are special to her.
I think keeping friday is a good idea, if you went any other day it may interfere even more with your job.

[Lady Lindsey]

Originally Posted by atomicc

I personally do not think it is a good idea to give up on therapy, it sounds like you are dealing with difficult things and that can be scary, but it's even scarier to walk away with those emotions unresolved and no support to deal with them.
I don't think she told you that just to keep you coming back, I think she was trying to let you know that you have this spot because you are a good client and she wanted you to know that you are special to her.
I think keeping friday is a good idea, if you went any other day it may interfere even more with your job.

I hope you are right. I guess I am just looking for any logical reason to quit, when I know I should not.... silly I know, I sought her out I asked for her help but now that I am in the middle of the mess... I'm not sure I want it.

I really don't like the fact that it is impacting my work... just not something that is acceptable to me.

I know this sounds weird, but I don't want to be special to her, I don't want to be anything but a client to her... I would feel very awkward if I were special to her, I just need to be her client, pay her for her services... and leave it at that.. on the other hand I can care for her and worry for her, but I don't want her to care about me other than that I am her client... it makes me too vulnerable.. does that make sense? As long as I pay her, there is a safe line, she is doing what I pay her to do. I owe her nothing, but if she thinks I am special, etc... then I owe her something and that is unacceptable...