Just venting *TW for sui*

My ex played a big part in getting my suicidal tendencies under control. When I first started getting to know him it was the first time I had ever truly felt loved and cared for. I didn't want to hurt him by hurting myself.

Now I realize that he probably never cared about me at all and all I can think is how stupid I am.

I start wondering what's the point. No one will ever love me. I don't deserve to be loved anyway.

Ironically though I think I can pretty much guarantee my saftey. I have no urge to hurt myself but most nights I fall asleep hoping I won't wake up.

I'm tired.

Why isn't there some magic wand to wave and make all the pain go away?

I attempted to open up about my the abuse by my ex only to be snorted at and told it can't be abuse because he lives so far away.

She's in an abusive relationship herself but you can also see she tends to think that it would be better to be abused than alone.

I like the girl, she just isn't the most sensitive of people.

It's like every time I turn around there is someone there waiting to tell me my feelings (and by extension I) don't matter.

From the people in the doctor's surgery who told me I couldn't possibly be cold. (Turns out I had the flu and was running a rather nasty temperature.)...

...The school principal who sat me down and said in such an understanding manner; "I understand there are problems between your parents because of you."

...The court mediators who ignored the fact that we were in this situation because my father had given me a black eye and instead focused on trying to fix my parents marriage.

...The doctor who called me an *** for trying to kill myself, despite knowing nothing of my history.

...The psychiatrist who refused to listen. Who insisted that I didn't know my own feelings.

...To the boyfriend who told me he loved me and then in the same breath said my feelings don't matter.

They've all reinforced what my parents have instilled in me.

How does one over come negative self thoughts when all they seem to get is negative input?

As a child I attached to the abusive parent. That says something. But what? And about who?

Not many words but I do understand. Hang in there and I hope you are ok

Thank you.

It's getting to the point where if anyone shows me even the tiniest bit of kindness and I am so pathetically grateful it must be embarrassing to be on the receiving end.

Hi BeteNoire, sorry you have been treated so badly and so misunderstood. I believe you, I believe you have been blamed unfairly and have also gone unheard and have experienced that myself so I know how painful it can be.

Having a therapist that is "respectful and caring" who can sit and listen to your history would be very "healing" for you. When someone struggles with BPD they typically have a history of emotional abuse and really struggle with forming "healthy attachments" because they never had experienced a healthy trust in a parent that was supposed to provide that.