[MNCS]

Hi guys,

I'm new to these boards and probably not the best way to make an intro but I'm having a really hard time dealing with my current situation and I needed to talk to someone outside of my current environment or at least be heard even if there's no dialogue or I'm gonna lose my mind.

I lost a close friend 5 days ago in a car accident. She was driving home from her parent's place and a guy in the opposite lane was apparently over the limit by like 40km/h and he hit the medium strip, ended up in oncoming traffic and hit Becca's car. Anyway long story short, 5 people ended up in hospital but she was the only one who died straight away but apparently another girl was quite badly hurt and of course the guy who caused the crash has relatively minor injuries.

She'd just finished her PhD at 30. She was so gifted and so beautiful and now she's gone. I keep walking around my house and thinking "Oh my God, she was standing in this room, a week ago and now she's never coming back."

When her mum told me it was like 2am and I just couldn't believe it, like I thought there had to be a mistake so I called her over and over and drove to her place to check and I felt like I was going out of my mind, as though it was some kind of nightmare or something I imagined, hearing her voice after she'd gone made it seem so unreal and I remember my hands, feet and face went numb.

And now I'm so angry. I've never felt this angry before, for the last 4 nights, I just lay awake crying for like 6 hours until everything hurt and I just scream and scream and scream. I miss her so much and she's never coming back and I don't know what to do. It's like there's this heat behind my eyes and in the back of my head, like my brain is getting hot from thinking about her and the crash and the guy who killed her, I just keep imagining it over and over and I can't stop. Its all I think about and I'm so tired and scared that the rest of my life is going to be like this.

I just don't understand why he had to be going so fast, what could he possibly have been doing that he needed to be speeding so much!?!? I hate him and I don't even know his name. I know its such an evil, selfish thing to want, but God help me, I wish he was dead. I'd give anything for it to have been her that lived and him that died. It's so unfair she deserved to have a life and be happy and now that's not going to happen and she's gone forever and I don't know what to do.

[Thunder Bow]

Talking to a Therapist might help. Grief needs to be addressed.

Hello MNCS: I'm so sorry for this terrible loss. And I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom to offer. Life can be, frequently is, so unfair, it seems to me... just a bunch of random accidents. I don't think your wanting the driver who caused this to be dead is evil or selfish. It seems to me it is a natural reaction to the horror he has caused.

Of course, the problem is you can't carry this kind of intense emotion permanently. One way or another you must come to a place where you can lay it to rest & go on. I hope you will have the opportunity to work through your feelings with a therapist. Therapy & time will both help you to accept this loss.

[shezbut]

((((MNCS))))

Gentle hugs to you.

[MNCS]

Went to my second session today. Doesn't feel like it helped at all, talking about it just makes me think of all my memories of her and I end up in a sobbing wreck, especially when I think of all the things we talked about doing together when we finally finished our degrees, all the things she put off and sacrificed investing in a future that she doesn't get to have because some ***** decided that getting back to his trailer park hovel was a higher priority than her safety. My counsellor seems like a good guy and all, but I'm finding it so hard to take his advice to heart, by his own admission he's never lost anyone under similar circumstances, he had nothing invested in her, how can he possibly know what its like?

Her family is Asian and I know that its culturally inappropriate to express emotion publically for them, according to what she told me anyway, but her family seem so calm. Of course they're sad, but they don't seem to be angry at all, I don't understand, ALL I feel is anger and contempt, what the hell is wrong with me? Am I just supposed to accept this and move on? Is this normal?

I feel like I'm going through this alone without my best friend when I need her the most and no one seems to be angry that she was basically murdered by this guy. She didn't die peacefully after a long life, or because she chose to do something reckless. She didn't even get to say goodbye to anyone and it wasn't even her fault. I'd give anything to have been able to at least tell her what she meant to me and that I loved her like the sister I never had, but he took that from me and I hate him. Why did this have to happen to her? I just keep trying to answer that inside my head over and over and its driving me insane. I just can't accept that a person as beautiful as her was just randomly chosen to be killed. I don't even know what anyone could say to me right now that would help, but I just want this to make sense and I just want this to end.