So lately I have something that's been weighing very heavily on my mind, and I don't know how to get past it. I'm 17, so probably I'm going to get comments about how most adolescents are 'awkward' and that I should give it time and I'll eventually grow into my looks...unfortunately, I'm fairly certain this isn't going to happen. So I would appreciate it if you would please not give me 'awkward adolescent' comments, as they don't help...I'm only bringing this up because I've had it happen before...thank you.

Anyway, it's been a fear of mine for a very long time that I'm ugly. Since a young age I've been very sensitive and aware of my looks. I've always felt inadequate. In school I was bullied a lot for my looks, called fat and ugly on a regular basis, and this continued for over ten years until I dropped out of high school in March. Being called fat and ugly so much, I've grown to believe it. Lately I've been making efforts trying to dispel these negative beliefs about myself. I've made a little bit of progress, and I no longer believe that I'm hopelessly ugly. However, I'm also beginning to see my looks in a more realistic light, and the view still isn't pretty.

I'm starting to see where my looks rank in comparison to the looks of most other girls my age. The truth is that I don't really measure up well, I'm kind of more toward the bottom which is disheartening. I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'll get told I shouldn't compare myself to others...unfortunately, it's a bad habit of mine. Also, I felt the need to see where my standing is, and doing this I've learned a harsh reality, which is that I'm an unattractive girl. I'm not quite as ugly as I once believed I was, but I am not attractive. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here now that I know this about myself.

I've looked at articles on the internet, eHow & stuff like that, and pretty much all of them mention something along the lines of "give yourself a makeover" - do something different with your hair, play around with makeup, dress in flattering clothes, all that. Reading this kind of stuff always leaves me feeling strangely disappointed. I've tried this before and honestly it didn't make a dent in my attractiveness. I've dyed my hair in bold colors, played with makeup...none of it ever made me look any better. I looked like me, just with different colored hair and stuff on my face. Most would say "Well, then you did it wrong." No...I know how to put on makeup properly. It just doesn't help me. And as far as clothing goes, I dress as well as I can for someone of my size and budget. I'm still unattractive.

I'm really not looking for compliments, or to have someone say "Oh, well you must not be as bad-looking as you think you are" when they've never seen a picture of me...Now, I think what I need more than anything else, is for someone to tell me how I can learn to accept my unattractiveness. I know most people would say something about how looks don't matter and that personality is more important. I agree. But I don't have a great or outstanding personality, I don't have any talents or things I'm good at, so I don't really have anything to compensate for my lack of good looks...I just don't know what to do.

I'm not currently on meds or seeing a therapist, and I can't do either at the moment...I would say the reason, but it's long enough to be its own post in its own thread...so I'll just say that therapy and meds are not an option for me right now. In fact, I'm basically having to do this on my own.

Thank you to whoever replies...you have a lot of patience to put up with this big block of annoying text and to reply.

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

So lately I have something that's been weighing very heavily on my mind, and I don't know how to get past it. I'm 17, so probably I'm going to get comments about how most adolescents are 'awkward' and that I should give it time and I'll eventually grow into my looks...unfortunately, I'm fairly certain this isn't going to happen. So I would appreciate it if you would please not give me 'awkward adolescent' comments, as they don't help...I'm only bringing this up because I've had it happen before...thank you.

Anyway, it's been a fear of mine for a very long time that I'm ugly. Since a young age I've been very sensitive and aware of my looks. I've always felt inadequate. In school I was bullied a lot for my looks, called fat and ugly on a regular basis, and this continued for over ten years until I dropped out of high school in March. Being called fat and ugly so much, I've grown to believe it. Lately I've been making efforts trying to dispel these negative beliefs about myself. I've made a little bit of progress, and I no longer believe that I'm hopelessly ugly. However, I'm also beginning to see my looks in a more realistic light, and the view still isn't pretty.

I'm starting to see where my looks rank in comparison to the looks of most other girls my age. The truth is that I don't really measure up well, I'm kind of more toward the bottom which is disheartening. I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'll get told I shouldn't compare myself to others...unfortunately, it's a bad habit of mine. Also, I felt the need to see where my standing is, and doing this I've learned a harsh reality, which is that I'm an unattractive girl. I'm not quite as ugly as I once believed I was, but I am not attractive. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here now that I know this about myself.

I've looked at articles on the internet, eHow & stuff like that, and pretty much all of them mention something along the lines of "give yourself a makeover" - do something different with your hair, play around with makeup, dress in flattering clothes, all that. Reading this kind of stuff always leaves me feeling strangely disappointed. I've tried this before and honestly it didn't make a dent in my attractiveness. I've dyed my hair in bold colors, played with makeup...none of it ever made me look any better. I looked like me, just with different colored hair and stuff on my face. Most would say "Well, then you did it wrong." No...I know how to put on makeup properly. It just doesn't help me. And as far as clothing goes, I dress as well as I can for someone of my size and budget. I'm still unattractive.

I'm really not looking for compliments, or to have someone say "Oh, well you must not be as bad-looking as you think you are" when they've never seen a picture of me...Now, I think what I need more than anything else, is for someone to tell me how I can learn to accept my unattractiveness. I know most people would say something about how looks don't matter and that personality is more important. I agree. But I don't have a great or outstanding personality, I don't have any talents or things I'm good at, so I don't really have anything to compensate for my lack of good looks...I just don't know what to do.

I'm not currently on meds or seeing a therapist, and I can't do either at the moment...I would say the reason, but it's long enough to be its own post in its own thread...so I'll just say that therapy and meds are not an option for me right now. In fact, I'm basically having to do this on my own.

Thank you to whoever replies...you have a lot of patience to put up with this big block of annoying text and to reply.

Hm-m-m-m... Well, ShyPoetGirl... I read your Thread (no rhyme intended...) & I thought I would offer a couple of comments. (By the way, I'm an old male person (it's complicated...) so take that into consideration here.

The first thing I want to key in on is your comment about having been bullied for 10 years about being fat & ugly. When I was in school I was verbally & physically bullied for years too. And, although I'm now in my 60's, I still carry the scars (both emotional & physical.) There is much research coming out now showing that the effects of bullying last far into adulthood. (In my case, they'll last a lifetime.) So the fact you've quit school doesn't mean the effects of the bullying have stopped. You're still struggling with the effects. And, chances are good, you will continue to struggle for years to come.

I know you said therapy is not an option now. But at some point in the future, when it is, I would recommend you consider it to resolve the effects this bullying has had on you. In the meantime, just recognize your current state of mind with regard to your weight & appearance are probably being influenced to a significant degree by the bullying you endured. Realizing this doesn't change anything. But at least, hopefully, it adds some useful insight to your understanding of your current situation. (By the way, if you haven't already done so, please make arrangements to finish high school. Your future prospects as a high school dropout are not encouraging.)

Secondly I guess I'll just observe, by media standards, most people aren't especially good looking. And, in fact, some people are just downright UGLY! That's just the reality of the situation. I suppose, perhaps, it becomes more pronounced as people age. Of course there are things people can do about this nowadays. A person can lose weight, get fit, & even have plastic surgery. I have a deviated septum (bent nose) from a couple of the beatings I took while in school. Back then, one just lived with that sort of thing. If it were to have happened nowadays, chances are I'd get it straightened out. But I'm just too old to worry about it at this point.

Obviously, I have no idea what you look like. So I'll take your word for it you're not attractive, or at least not as attractive as you wish you were. It seems to me you have a couple of options. One is to lose weight, get fit, put your make-up application skills to their best use. At some point when you can afford to, you could even consider having some plastic surgery to tweak your looks. (This is becoming commonplace nowadays.) The other option is to be satisfied with looking as good as you can, as you are, & focus on other things such as a career. Of course, good looks are helpful in any endeavor. But, unless a person aims to be a model or a movie star, one doesn't have to be good looking to succeed in most career fields.

But, of course, in order to be able to put your concerns about your looks aside, one of the hurdles you're going to have to overcome is the excess baggage you're carrying around from the bullying you endured while in school. That voice inside your head that keeps telling you you're unattractive may have been created by that bullying. But, if not, it most certainly gained allot of it's present strength from that bullying.

So those are my thoughts. And those, it seems to me, are your options... realistically. Hopefully I didn't just repeat the same old stuff you've heard a million times. If I did... please forgive me. I wish you all the best.

Hi.
Your very last sentence says a lot about you....
You don't have to be that person here. We are not judgmental, at least I have never found anyone here to be. You can say how you feel because it's how YOU feel. And we read because we WANT to read, not because we feel obligated.

17 is difficult. If you can get through high school, you can get through anything in my opinion. And you do have the opportunity to finish, I hope. Perhaps in the near future.
You would find college to be very different. I know, I have four adult children.

As far as your question goes, the mom in me is having a difficult time not responding as a mom.

I will tell you that it's important to cultivate whatever it is that makes you unique. You don't have to be good at it, you just have to love it. If you think you have no talent, look again. At 17, you haven't had time to do it all in order to find any really...
And many many things are achieved, not because someone was good at it, but because they persisted. My youngest has no musical talent, but he loves the piano and is able to play a tune or two. He learned that. My daughter discovered a love of animals and so she volunteered at a bunny rescue.
The other two also have things that they do that enables them to be unique. And they all know that beauty fades, but a sense of humor never leaves you.

This sense of uniqueness is, in my opinion, a very good self-esteem builder.

I find that we can never see ourselves from the point of view of another. So even though you think you're being as objective as you can, you're not.
And (this is my own personal opinion) I think that women are not at their most attractive until their 30's.

I sincerely hope that you keep looking for your own signature in life. Try lots of things. And never say never.

[Lemon Curd]

Don't allow others to define who you are on the outside or inside. In truth, once you are beautiful on the inside, you will be beautiful on the outside.
My pretty sister always wanted to ply me with make-up, hairstyles, & clothes. I told her every time she tired, "I'm sorry you don't love me as I choose to be. I love myself just the way I am." No amount of makeup etcetera was gonna make me as pretty as she & I was fine with that. She loved the mirror & makeup. I loved my jeans, t-shirts & books. She loved combing her hair. I adored playing with my worms. My sister ended up pregnant & married young. I went on to college. Is she happy with her jock in the city & 2 kids ~~ yes. I married in my late 20s. Am I happily married on a farm to a Ph.D. ~~ you bet. I stayed true to me as my sister did for herself. That's what's most important. That's just me. *big warm friendship hug*

[Lady Lindsey]

Most of my high school years I was teased, told I was ugly, even by my own mother, eventually I believed it. When I looked in the mirror all I saw was a huge nose and a crooked smile looking back at me. Sometimes we get a distorted image of ourselves that can last a life time.
If you are truly fat, go to a BMI calculator and put your information in. just search BMI calculator and you will find whether you truly have a weight problem or if it is just a warped perception based on bullying.
If you feel ugly, I am truly sorry, I rarely have met a truly ugly person, and those that are truly ugly, are ugly on the inside and it reflects on the outside, no matter how "beautiful" they look.
It took years for me to finally realize I was not ugly, I am far from perfect and I do not compare to all the photo shopped pictures in the magazines. What I finally realized after dealing with both anorexia and bulimia, and very low self esteem, I determine how the world see's me. I now stand tall and no longer hold my shoulders down in shame, I found a hairstyle that complimented the one feature I liked about myself, my eyes, and I learned to wear cloths that covered my perceived flaws... am I gorgeous no, but I am not ugly either, infact some say I am beautiful, although I cannot see what they see in the mirror.
I guess what I am saying is do not let the world dictate who you are, it is up to you, if you truly have a weight problem, you and you alone need to do something about it. Take a walk daily, it is wonderful for mindfulness and helps you build positive endorphins in your brain, and gives you exercise. Practice walking tall and proud as you take your walk at first it will be hard and may seem silly, find kindness in your soul and let it shine in your face. Beauty comes from the inside... I know that sounds like a cliché, but it is true... and by all means find a way to get your GED or graduate from highschool, your future happiness depends on it.
This advice is given to you by a women who is 49 and has been through the cruelness of highschool... I may have my flaws but many say I am beautiful now.... don't let the world dictate your beauty, you can dictate that yourself! Will I ever feel beautiful, probably not the way I want to, but I am a beautiful person and you can be too,,,, you hold your future in your hands, and you can stand tall and can exude beauty. Some of the most beautiful people are not physically as attractive as todays standards, look at Barbara Strysand, not the most beautiful facial features, but a beautiful women.... it is up to you, do not let others dictate whom you are!

[Alter]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

So lately I have something that's been weighing very heavily on my mind, and I don't know how to get past it. I'm 17, so probably I'm going to get comments about how most adolescents are 'awkward' and that I should give it time and I'll eventually grow into my looks...unfortunately, I'm fairly certain this isn't going to happen. So I would appreciate it if you would please not give me 'awkward adolescent' comments, as they don't help...I'm only bringing this up because I've had it happen before...thank you.

Anyway, it's been a fear of mine for a very long time that I'm ugly. Since a young age I've been very sensitive and aware of my looks. I've always felt inadequate. In school I was bullied a lot for my looks, called fat and ugly on a regular basis, and this continued for over ten years until I dropped out of high school in March. Being called fat and ugly so much, I've grown to believe it. Lately I've been making efforts trying to dispel these negative beliefs about myself. I've made a little bit of progress, and I no longer believe that I'm hopelessly ugly. However, I'm also beginning to see my looks in a more realistic light, and the view still isn't pretty.

I'm starting to see where my looks rank in comparison to the looks of most other girls my age. The truth is that I don't really measure up well, I'm kind of more toward the bottom which is disheartening. I'm pretty sure this is the point where I'll get told I shouldn't compare myself to others...unfortunately, it's a bad habit of mine. Also, I felt the need to see where my standing is, and doing this I've learned a harsh reality, which is that I'm an unattractive girl. I'm not quite as ugly as I once believed I was, but I am not attractive. I'm trying to figure out where to go from here now that I know this about myself.

I've looked at articles on the internet, eHow & stuff like that, and pretty much all of them mention something along the lines of "give yourself a makeover" - do something different with your hair, play around with makeup, dress in flattering clothes, all that. Reading this kind of stuff always leaves me feeling strangely disappointed. I've tried this before and honestly it didn't make a dent in my attractiveness. I've dyed my hair in bold colors, played with makeup...none of it ever made me look any better. I looked like me, just with different colored hair and stuff on my face. Most would say "Well, then you did it wrong." No...I know how to put on makeup properly. It just doesn't help me. And as far as clothing goes, I dress as well as I can for someone of my size and budget. I'm still unattractive.

I'm really not looking for compliments, or to have someone say "Oh, well you must not be as bad-looking as you think you are" when they've never seen a picture of me...Now, I think what I need more than anything else, is for someone to tell me how I can learn to accept my unattractiveness. I know most people would say something about how looks don't matter and that personality is more important. I agree. But I don't have a great or outstanding personality, I don't have any talents or things I'm good at, so I don't really have anything to compensate for my lack of good looks...I just don't know what to do.

I'm not currently on meds or seeing a therapist, and I can't do either at the moment...I would say the reason, but it's long enough to be its own post in its own thread...so I'll just say that therapy and meds are not an option for me right now. In fact, I'm basically having to do this on my own.

Thank you to whoever replies...you have a lot of patience to put up with this big block of annoying text and to reply.

I know how you feel a bit, even though i have low self-esteem, i had received good feedback from some girls, only a few but better than nothing i also had 2 times where i detected a girl to be intimidated with my pressence, it's kinda good but bad at the same time because in both times i also felt very intimited with the situation.

Before being bullyed in school and getting depression and other things i was a fat and ugly kid, i had a bad haircut almost bald, a missplaced tooth that i still have btw, i also weared poor clothes that my mom used to buy for me in that time i didn't decide the clothings i liked i dressed what my mother liked and what was cheaper while the other kids boys and girls wore more expensive and stylish clothing, i am also pale skinned since i was born and i live somewhere where no one is pale and almost everyone had tanned skin. No one thought i was cute, people sometimes made fun of me because of how i was, i remember one time comming home from school with my cousin that was one of the most cute and popular boys in the school and we met a friend of him that i also knew through him because they used to date about a year before, while they were talking i was there waiting for him so we could go home, after talking for a while when they were saying goodbyes my cousin asked if she wasn't going to say goodbye to me she then looked at me in the eyes then she moved her eyes down to my feet and up again to meet the eyes and started laughing in my face, then she turned away and said bye , i felt so bad about myself that time, i felt like i was a little piece of trash in a trash countainer full of it.

She was the only one that did something like that to me but she wasn't the only one that looked at me with eyes of disgust. I knew i was ugly, fat and pale and i knew everyone else was supperior to me in terms os looks and they all had girls i never had them because i looked like a joke. Anyway after the depression kicked in i stopped worrying about those things i also started to lose wheight in a year i still had a big belly but it was little noticeble with the right clothings, after that i got the body i wanted lost the chubby face and with age it got better, but i still am a bit pale and where i live the girls like the good tanned guys. But oh well, i am what i am and i like being what i am physicly, no one if perfect, and like a said i have low self-esteem i might even be a very attractive person and like a also said i have some reasons to believe im actualy good looking but deep down i don't agree that i can be cute, i just accept it, i accept that i look like this and like they are lots of cuter/hotter guys out there, there are algo uglyer guys aswell.

You need to accept that there is always someone who is better and someone who is worst than you in order to accept yourself, this may seem stupid to you but trust me, once you accept that you can accept yourself.

[A Red Panda]

Sorry, somewhat ignored the comments posted besides the OPs as I'm short on time.

I'd try to find out the things that you DO like about yourself... and own them. Absolutely rock them, whatever they are. Physically or not. Focus on those and building up your confidence around them.

Confidence is really that thing that stands out, and it's so hard to find out when you've had people tearing it down your whole life. Which is why I'd suggest focusing on the things you do like - going "hey, all of my rocks!" just feels like a big old lie and it's way too much to do at once.

Once you have confidence, you'll be more attractive. I'm not sure how that works, but it does. As does being hygenic and being as healthy as you can be. Not being healthy to look better perse, but to feel better - it builds confidence knowing that you're living your life the best that you can be. The confidence shows in the way that you carry yourself I suppose!

[ombrétwilight]

I won't tell you that looks don't matter because unfortunately they do, in our society and this day and age. If weight is a huge concern, have you tried to lose it? That kind really change a person's appearance drastically (e.g. face shape) and help with one's health too.

Also, this is a pretty radical measure but if you are really unhappy with your physical appearance you may want to look into plastic surgery. This is less of a deal here in Asia (especially South Korea) as compared to the West. If I remember correctly, back in 2012 approximately 20% of South Korean women were reported to have had some work done. There are a lot of girls (and guys) who gain that much more confidence post-surgery. Personally I see nothing wrong with paying to improve one's looks, but of course this is highly subjective so I'm just trying it out there as a point for consideration.

Wishing you all the best

[vital]

Hi ShyPoetGirl,

I'm male and so can't really understand the deep affect this kind of thing can have, but I thought you might enjoy this podcast by Laura House

Laura House | Comedy Writer

where she talks about this at length.

Here's a thought: How about being healthy and happy? I don't see why you can't have that and then what do you care about someone else's opinion of your looks? - v

[norwegianwoman]

I feel much the same way. I have blamed others for a long time, said they don't see me as the awesome person I honestly think I am, claimed they are shallow etc. But it also depends on me, on how I feel about myself and my own standards.

I don't imagine other people will be attracted to me. When other girls talk about this or that guy or how they flirt with people it seems sort of like a hypothetical situation for me, I cant really imagine anyone wanting to flirt with me or finding me attractive, I always assumed that if someone would fall for me (which I think they should) they would fall for my personality and the looks would just come later. This is probably not a good way to look at it but I still do. And even so I compare myself to women constantly, think things like "she's uglier/fatter/has a worse sense of fashion than me, and she's with a guy" and it makes me feel awful. I think my own standards might be a problem thought, I mightbe too proud to admit it but I do also care about looks, wouldnt want a guy I was embarassed to intrudice to my friends. I have a truly beautiful friend who is with a guy who has below average looks, and she is kind of my hero, I suppose, for that because she is so proud of their relationship and you can see how she really loves him. I think some of my issues come from being dumped by my boyfriend, it's more than a year and a half ago and it was completely right, we didnt fit together, but honestly (and I am ashamed of this) a big part of me thought I was too good for him and too pretty for him in many ways, and so the fact that HE dumped ME wrecked my self-esteem. I started thinking "if I can't even hold on to a guy like him, whom all my friends and even my family tell me is below me and is in no way particularly atractive, how am I ever going to find love?"

And I suppose one of the evil truthts is that we are all quite shallow like that, without wanting to admit it, maybe unless we really get to know someone first. And guys your age can be quite cruel (girls too, clearly, but they don't look at you THAT way even if they can be meaner) and just see looks or a cleavage or whatever, personally I have just settled for having to wait until people stop being so shallow but I am 23 now and feel like I will wait until I get old, so I suppose I also need to either accept that I am unattractive or make myself feel attractive somehow. Confidence is key, and I have confidence in a lot of areas, but my looks is NOT one of them, and so I find myself in the eternal role of wingwoman as I am friends with so many beautiful women. I think I have internalized and accepted that my role is to "surrender" to them, even if I like a guy I wouldnt dream of making a move if he was interested in one of my friends or she in him, as I always consider myself below them. Since I was a teenager guys have asked me about my friends: Did I see where that one went, what is her name, is she single? What are her interests? And so forth. I don't think those guys understand how much it hurts when they show you so clearly that they are interested in your friend and you are just "in the way" but might know something they can use, regardless of how polite they are. So I am starting to feel that is the person I will just always be, and it's not a good feeling.

[doyoutrustme]

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.