[Yismymindblank12]

When I am at my worst, I'm grieving, I'm in so much pain. People always kick me in the dirt, according to them they just want to toughen my skin or grow a pair.

Any other time they leave me alone, I can't feel loved, I feel like ****. What am I supposed to have a good self esteem and be happy when my mom is always hounding me I'm not doing good enough. That my problems will be conquered by giving me more ****, my friends do this, and now my coworkers. I feel like I'm supposed to commit suicide and people end up confused and wanting me better off dead.

I've been in this cycle before, because people don't understand or choose to care. I just want to die. I can't do this again and again. I did it as a child and now as an adult. My life is ****ed in the ***.

Seriously just want a miracle for once, I hate working my *** off for everything to get kicked in the dirt. I'm not a loud to cry at all, if I do, I'll raise suspicion to my parents. They will try to pressure me more and assume I'm doing it on myself. I get very irritable and angry with everyone, because they don't understand personal space. I tell them to please leave me alone, I scream at myself slap myself in the fact, punch myself so they don't have to do it for me. I deeply want to die, because I'm tired of these people. The people who love me I've been told. The toxic waste I call home and toxic friends, relationships that were never so meaningful as I thought they should be, my family who is distant and just as neglectful as my friends.

The constant lack of attention and care I get before I get sent to the hospital and being drowned in debt. I can't go to the hospital ever. Never ever, it's like mental health facilities are no point. I don't care what people say, I'm not going to kill myself, because I have no way and I'm more hopeless I don't care to do it anyways people just want me alive to kick me even more.

I'm dying, I'm truly dying, 20 years of dying. I only wanted what people take for granted a loving friendships, parents who act like parents who listen, not just being grown up children who always over discipline if they don't get their way. Living my life, never getting love, because I'm a guy. I only wanted end it, because I'm not selfish, I just want control. I don't have it, my body is falling apart I know it, and all I want to do is let that ticker go and let me die naturally young.

I only want to make enough money to live in the middle of nowhere and die under the stars or at a sunset by an ocean in carribean. I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to grow old like this. I can't runaway, this world prevents so much of that, It's this imprisonment, fear people will purposely trap you to believe you are safe, but they don't ever know you've made this situation much worse.

I'm crying out, just let me live a life for once.

I just wanted my dreams to come true, and I'm working so hard. I know if I can't. I'm just going to leave as far away as I can.

I'm sick of being the target of so much ridicule being told I have the nicest life, my life is so awesome, quit complaining, everyone's got problems. It's that type of talk every damn day, every ****ing second, I put up with, I punch myself all the time and everyone doesn't know why I hate myself. IT's because you all treat me like ****, and when I die you'll never fully appreciate me as a son, friend, father, person....

I should have never had existed, why do people think I can make it. They don't take accountability just force me to make my own accountability from them kicking my ***.

Do you think this is right? I think it's inhumane, how I've literally tried to do everything to feel loved and get attention. I've nearly died from things, I didn't bring upon myself most of the time and people don't care.

I wish there was something real to pull me away. There's no amount of faith I've exhausted in my body to prove I'm going to be ok. I've been doing this everyday and nothing has came up.

If you were in my shoes, no matter how many times, I fight and scream with my friends and mom who jump on me for trying to reach out to them for once. I scream that, "if you were in my shoes you'd do the same things."

It's so impersonal, I don't take it personally or try to fake it, because my mother is a bully, my sister is a bully, my father is indifferent, my friends are indifferent and some are bullies too, my exes hate me. The people who love me try to make me laugh, and it's so hard for them to do it.

A man died at my work in front of me his last moments were seeing my face after ordering food from me. It hit me hard, that I maybe him one day. Not likely, but one day my body will quit like his, and the people who shown the most that they cared are the people who don't know me personally, but see the horrors come out of my living and dead eyes.

When that man died, I didn't cry, I didn't show I cared, I didn't have anything in me. I felt so disensitized because of my life. If a man jumped in front of me, and put a gun to my head, yes I'd be startled, but I wouldn't care if he had to take something from me. I'd probably tell him to do it, if he's got the balls to hurt people. If you came do to do what you do, don't hold back. I won't either. I'm not afraid of living in the now of death, I've done it before.

I'm not suicidal anymore, I'm waiting for life to take me, just something, to get me out of here. When I said I feel like a dog, it's how they talk to me. It's how I put myself on this pedestal I feel the most loved when I'm talked down to, because if they put notice to me I feel like they care or want to feel like they do. When they yell at me it's directed towards me, I'm so messed up I'm your loser, not your lover, not your friend, or family. Just hit me, so the pain will go away, just make me starve on the street and don't me money ignore me when you pass me by. I'm the homeless man you don't care to notice, because I'm like the others you assume I belong in.. You don't stop to understand the individual you only care about the end point of getting your way and satisfaction.

Maybe I'm a victim, maybe I like being the victim, maybe I don't know. I wish I had the answer, I never know if I brought this on myself or not. It's been so many years of this. I'm beyond the exhausted threshold.

No one has invested their friendship or life in me enough to have me around all the time for them. They hate how I'm not around them enough. I never had that probably never will.

The emotional neglect and the lack of people trying to be understanding of their own mindfulness, I'm not their child, I'm not their toy, don't make me something I'm not, but you continue anyway. You all of you are like my sick codependent pedophile who destroyed what's left of me. The fact you only pay attention to how much of a piece of **** I am instead of saying I love you.

Makes me believe, not by my choice, I shouldn't be loved.

I'm not mentally ill, you put that label on me. You want me in this box because it's easy for you to control me even if it does some good. I will be dead from the damage you have wrought from within my heart and my soul will never forgive this planet. I've been raped by you emotionally, from day one. I will one day run away and no one will ever find me. I will never have them do this to me ever again, I will have my control alone, and be alone forever, because it's only there I am safe from further perpetrators.

[Travelinglady]

I am sorry the folks around you don't understand. Alas, sometimes we need to realize that no matter what we do, we can never please some people. They are toxic. If you can, then try to be around them as little as you can. Okay?

[Yismymindblank12]

Oh I definitely doing that now.

[Lemon Curd]

My family was very toxic as well. I left as soon as I could. For my sanity & my health.

[kaliope]

I went into my therapist a couple weeks ago and said, "I hate my life".

she said, "so what are you going to do to change it?"

you say you want control, so I ask you the same question. instead of beating yourself up and hating on yourself, what can you do to change your life?

you want people who are going to treat you a certain way? then get rid of the toxic people in your life.......find healthy relationships

tired of your parents.......move out

don't like the people you work with......get a different job

if you want change, look for solutions to the issues that are causing you difficulties in your life and take action. action will create the change you are looking for. good luck

[sun light of tears]

Sorry about how others make you feel. I've been in the same boat I live a life of being a Cinderella all the time not the good part the bad life picking up after others who are making a mess at first I was dealing with the anger and other stuff. I had to work on myself loving who I am it was hard at first but it gets better always remember other people are sick and they don't know how they treat others because they are not happy so they put others down in order for them to feel better. I just hope you sit down and look at the whole picture write it down how you feel and what you need to work on today. Don't give up on your happiness because always remember your in control of your life and you allow things to damage your self esteem. When you set healthy boundaries on yourself and others it will start to work even keeping your mouth quiet when they are being rude to you just bite your tounge and tell them thank you and walk away be the better person remind yourself you don't have to play their games of being a animal your a human who needs others to love you for you if you can't get it from them find people who will help you it will get better.

[Yismymindblank12]

Yeah, with my therapist, I'm unable to have those solutions at the moment, so it's not me complaining, just her letting me have the time to vent anything. Everywhere else I go I'm not allowed to anywhere. I mean anywhere with anyone, my situation in life is so unique even people with their own problems. It makes it not worth talking about it, and not saying a word. She knows I'm hyper sensitive, like on the extreme scale my body is so sensitive. I don't need hallucinogens/psychadelics, or psych drugs to have my hallucinations. I can have them all the time anytime. I can see spirits and other times it's mental illness of constant bombardment of any reality. She said, my body is so sensitive since I was born, I can't live like everyone else. I hallucinate all the time with every kind, from touch and auditory mainly, but I still frequently get visual and nasal hallucinations of like odors of tobacco and blood.

I only did LSD once and it was a very bad choice I made a year ago and learned from it definitely, I was lucky it was a good trip. I was literally in a fish bowl in my body was seeing everything blue, the blue man group could of been singing in front of me like a music vid. My voice got squeaky alvin and the chipmunks pitch and I was seeing bubbles in the air, I was lucky I got that than something terrifying.

It only lasted an hour and a half, I felt like I was dying from it, because it contained random stuff maybe bath salts, baking soda and whatever, and probably mostly meth and some mdma. It was the worst decision I've made, I used to do drugs not that frequently it was once I got it.

I know from my coma, it was caused by marijuana, not weed itself, it's the reaction it causes in my body from dopamine is so intense. Too much dopamine will kill you, put your body into shock and instant coma it's like an adrenaline rush good feeling that kills you and puts you to sleep.

I was lucky people were there to make sure I was ok, I was left on the street last year in november 29th. I still haven't forgot it.

I know I got off track, but I made my own choices, I got healthy after last year. I recovered damn well. I cut out toxic people who I can, but the other relationships I would have to find compromise either being away from the person or internally like not talking about my feelings. It had to be made. I don't have a choice at the moment just cope with what I have.

I stopped drugs, because friends and people my age just want to have sex, have kids, do drugs and get it all over with at 20. Then live 10 or more years with the person they knocked up and married them or had kids or be miserable saying that I wish I didn't do this and that. I'm glad I'm not them, I'm not a quitter, I won't marry, have kids with anyone. I find this whole thing obsurd people want to be old and boring at 20. Live a little more, don't rush to pushing things to what you like or imagine you like. You don't know how people work, I don't think anyone in a marriage understand this or humans do in general about each other. You can't put anyone in a binary and force them to do something you think they want.

That's how I see when people push me around, I don't let them, because they don't know me and have no authority to do so. I'm not breaking the law, I'm not into your drama, leave me out of it.