[puzzclar]

I got done with group about an hour ago. I'm a little bit frustrated with the fact that I keep lying to those around me, including my T and group. The group that I'm in, I keep most emotions in and not dealing with them because of what my T said. I'm apparently the strong one in the group and they look up to me because of how I seem to be. Today it's really getting to me, and distracting me. Can't study because the thoughts from today are so strong. I have to seem so strong because that's how he sees me in the group.

Today, felt like I was lying to the group about what I was studying and a few things I said. The other facilitator of the group brought up tapping, and I've seen things that make me think that it is a quack therapy that doesn't work. (science never lies right?) and then I think about what I said for check in, and the things that I thought during a visualization. I said that I was calm physically, spiritually with one foot in and one out, and mentally I was stressed, and anxious. Triggers were moderate-high and one slip. Which is good, but honestly I didn't go into detail, and lying to myself. I spent the previous day looking at a very triggering topic and said that I was fine. Am I really lying??? I still don't know. I have a lot to do, so stressed makes sense, but talking about anger didn't help. I visualized how I felt toward my T, which I was hurt and angry because of a few things that have been said.

1) I am the strong on in the group
2) I have to let things go, because I'm perfect the way that I am. Even if I feel like I'm striving for perfection which is weird.
3) That I am not allowing him to help as much as I could (which I don't know if that one is .... okay I'm not talking about all)
4) I'm a hypocrite because I am not calling if there's a crisis. (Because I see it as a sign of weakness) yet others say it's a sign of strength.

I don't want to talk about the above 4 because it's just to painful. but obviously it's not making things any easier. I don't know what else to do, I'm not wanting to show the fact that I am struggling, because I don't want to see it myself. Do I talk about this now or later with him? or not at all. (I vote for not at all, but some how I know that I have to confront him about it and I really hate confrontations.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Puzz,
You really have answered yourself. You
know you have to confront,you know you have to
get all this out in the open,and you know you're
afraid to do so. Nothing wrong with that,becaussee,
courage is doing the damn thing anyway,fear or no
fear. And you are right,you are being a hypocrite,
especially to dear self.What strikes me is,all this
macho posturing,not wanting to appear weak etc.
And the ego not wanting to let go of all those in
admiration of your 'strength'--no wonder you can't
study! Don't know exactly where it comes from,but
the phrase, 'and the truth shall set you free' seems
appropriate here.Here is quote from brilliant
psychologist: "To accept the process of struggle as
part of life,to accept ALL of it,even the darkest moments of anguish,is motivation by LOVE, (self-
love) rather than motivation by fear. The wish to
AVOID fear and pain,is NOT the motive that drives
the lives of highly evolved men+women. Rather, it
is the LIFE-FORCE inside them thrusting toward
it's unique form of expression--the actualization of
'personal values'. It is the self honoring the self . . .
by the self." And I would add,the self having deep
compassion for the self. You are just an ordinary
human being with all the faults and failings of the
rest of the human race (including me). Jesus,what
a RELIEF it will be when you admit that . . .to your
self . . .and others . . .and what bloody courage too!
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE

[Altered Moment]

Does it have to be a confrontation? Why can't it just be a clarification into what he is thinking and why.

[puzzclar]

I thought it had to be a confrontation, but now, not so much. It's been a long day of trying to get through what I was thinking, and not really knowing what it was that I was thinking. I see his point. I do need to do what I know is the best way to help myself, so that I know it works, and can actually recommend things like meditation or calling the crisis line. Or getting though differences of opinion, and not getting angry, or letting my emotions get the best of me.