Good?

Hello, I just need to let it out i guess.

I am so tired of these ups and downs. in know thats life but im so sick of it all. i've gone through lots of changes, break up, moving, losses, disappointments, rejections, family problems... failures, comparisons, sexual identity doubts, loneliness, shame and more.

i have 3 fundamental coping skills that helped me though: self harm, alcohol and pills. i know they are not healthy but they work. and its ok with me. occasionally i use the forums to get a little push to help me through and i hate it but i use binge eating too.

i have also found the strenght to try to do something new, different, i have tried to "enjoy" life. maybe as a distraction.

i dont know how, i managed to deal with a lot more than i thought i could take these last months.

my secret is telling myself: I CAN DEAL WITH ANYTHING. I JUST HAVE TO WAIT FOR IT TO PASS. EVERYTHING PASSES WITH TIME.

IF SOMETHING GOOD HAPPENS, ITS GOOD, because it feels good. IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS, ITS GOOD, because maybe it will give me the strenght to end it all.

this way though whatever i feel should be good and its like i dont allow myself to feel my real feelings. am i making any sense here?

right now everything is falling apart. in spite of all my efforts. and im getting closer to sui ideations again.

i dont even know why im posting. maybe because im feeling overwhelmed and would like someone to know im not doing good (which should be good, right?).

thanks for reading.

Hi. I understand. I also have emotional highs and lows. Mine are for no apparent reason.

I have learned, from some very wise people on this forum, that fighting the lows (feeling frustrated, angry, disappointed in myself) does NOTHING to make them go away. It just adds additional garbage to the chaos that's already in your head.
So I try to relax and go with the flow. I mentally "check out" of the down times and just keep busy, go online, do whatever distracting things are around, without the thought or hope that they will CHANGE what I'm going through, but rather just to make the time go faster until I happen to feel better.

I hope that I have explained well, I have a little trouble with that.

Keep posting and keep venting and pm me if you feel like it.

Thanks Sophiesmom, it makes a lot of sense and thats what i try to do too.

sometimes though i almost wish the lows would last long enough for me to end it all because i think the peace of nothingness would be better than these continuous highs and lows.

highs happen too rarely, lows happen too often. and highs are never high enugh as lows are never low enough.

it just feels like a trap. living. is a trap. you never win, and in the end you ARE going to die anyway. seems like a joke. it makes no sense really.

we should enjoy the journey... but what if the journey is a nightmare?