mixed emotions re abuse/going crazy

so i just watched an episode of criminal minds i dvr'd from two or three weeks ago. a serial killer who had been abused by his father as a boy was killing fathers who were abusing their kids in a number of different ways.this show brought out a number of different feelings for me. i must admit that i kind of got a thrill and was sort of cheering him on when he was murdering people being the victim of an abusive father. and i was really sad and felt so much compassion for the guy because he had all these voices chanting over and over in his head. i know how difficult that is. i know that doesn't excuse murder but then i wonder where my mental illness is going to drive me in the future. could i go crazy like this? i mean, i have the potential to totally lose it too, right? then a second storyline has a guy on death row. they strap him and in inject him and all i could think was i would trade places with him easily given a choice, to have it all over that quick, so easily and painlessly. and i have been doing well, yet i would still leave given a choice. i just had to get all this out to process it....i don't get to see t for a while yet.......

When I developed anxiety issues, I had to quit watching movies/shows that were disturbing. I even limit the amount of news I watch. Maybe you need to take a break from that type of stuff kaliope. I don't think that is putting your head in the sand. It just means not putting that kind of pressure on your mind and emotions.

Thanks funny thing is I don't watch the news at all I don't read the newspaper I am one of the most uninformed people on earth just because I don't want to be disturbed. Almost all the shows I have on my DVR are from the food network I think only three aren't comedyin criminal minds are one of them. I'm sure my t would agree with you though because I have mentioned to show more than once in therapy worrying whether I'm going to become aPsychokiller one day LOL

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Kali,

I don't watch those things either, and if I ever get tempted and do it - I then have to work at being grounded again. (which is no real fun)

Dealing with abuse is so hard. It affects just every aspect of life.

I am being stalked by my ex again - he will try something new to get to me, and recently he tried something online.

He has called my family, friends, sent me letters forwarded from an old address.

I keep trying to just live and not be the next headline in the newspaper because of him.
So I don't watch those types of movies - some of it worries me a little too much.