[Jenni855]

To back off from my ex friends kids? My ex friend keeps playing with my head and I realise I have no choice but to walk away from the kids as they come as a package with her. Is it ok to make that decision and not answer their calls or am I just evil?

[PianogirlPlays]

I would answer them honestly and explain that you are sorry but since you are no longer in relationship with their mother it would be awkward to keep on trying to be with them. It is part of the fallout of broken relationships. I suspect it is a part that is not so easy for you either.

[Jenni855]

It is a friend not a partner and the kids are too young, only 6 and 9. I can't explain this to them without going through her.

You could back off from them and it would certainly be understandable. Before doing that maybe you can try to find a way to shut their mom out w/o entirely cutting off all communication with the kids. You don't need to explain anything to them. I'm not sure they would understand anyway. I take it that the kids like you?

[Jenni855]

There isn't any other way George. All contact in any form goes through her. And, yes, of course, they see me as a family.

[HockingPastryChef]

I have a feeling that you see the kids as family too.

It probably is difficult to explain to them what is going on but if you do they will understand more later on what is going on down the road before you completely ignore them. They may not understand now but later they will.

I have a slightly differing opinion (having gone through something similar with a family member).

It IS really difficult and awkward. But her children are innocent in this and so I don't think it's fair on them if you don't answer their calls.
Hopefully they will separate from you as a matter of course, since you won't physically be around them as much as you were...

I really empathize with you on this....

[Jenni855]

It hurts so bad I can't explain. I just can't find a way of doing what I feel is the right way to go about things.

[SnakeCharmer]

Jenni ... can you state what you think the right way to go in this situation is? I'm not quite sure if you want to maintain a relationship with the kids or let it all go an move on.

I can tell you what happened to me. I have been in a similar situation and I never cut off relations with the child. The child was six. She's now a young woman of 30. We speak almost daily. I speak to her mom maybe once every two years. We're polite to each other and that's about it.

The mom didn't try to make the child stop talking to me. In all those years, I avoided criticizing the mom or even agreeing when the girl was a teenager, bitterly complaining about chores and curfews and homework. I didn't always agree with how the mom handled things, but I didn't want to be a saboteur. I did keep my ear perked for trouble and called the mom several times when I saw danger on the horizon.

But mostly I did my best to respect the mother's boundaries while maintaining an Auntie relationship with the girl. It's worked.

I've read other posts and know this situation has been very hurtful to you. The question I would ask is if you can maintain a relationship without allowing it to hurt you and without criticizing or sabotaging the mom. Can you maintain proper boundaries?

It's difficult when the children are so young. It gets much easier as they get older. I have no regrets at all that I maintained contact. In all these years, the girl and I have never once talked about why her mother and I don't hang out together. She sees us be polite to each other and just accepts the situation as it is. I have no idea what her mother has told her, but it's clear she didn't sabotage anything.

Kids can slip away when they become teenagers. That happened in my situation, but she slipped right back into my life when she got through her rebellious stage. Could you take something like that? Can you be a non-judgmental Auntie as the kids go through all their developmental stages?

Other than telling you my own story, I don't know what else to say except I am very sorry that you're going through this. Kids get into our hearts and it's sometimes very hard to know how to deal with a problem like this.

I wish you the best and hope you can figure this out.

[Jenni855]

I just want to make it clear, I have NEVER criticized or berated their mother to the children. That is important for you guys to know.