[Yismymindblank12]

Even though I'm depressed now, I know I won't be later and maybe again on and off. I'm pretty happy what has happened and what I've been given. I feel like one day in about 20 years. When I start aging too much for me, I don't want to be old. So I'll kill myself, is that ok? I mean I'm not sad when that happens. I just want to make that choice on my own not someone else's hands.

I don't believe in it, I'd rather die on my own choice alone and how I want to.

I don't want to now, it wouldn't be worth it. I don't want a family or get married, I think I know why now. I can't handle my children growing up seeing myself having kids, growing up getting old, I mean independence from my parents is fine, but I'm not settling for being too old. Or being forced to do what I don't want to do because of my age. I don't want to be put off the market or have a lot less friends, because of my age. I don't think those obstacles would matter. I could make it work, but the fact I'm growing old to the point I'll look in the mirror one day and all I see is an old man.

If I see a hint of it. I'll kill myself, not because I'm sad. I just want to die with whatever happy memories that are apart of me in those moments.

I feel entitlement, but I don't call it selfish, because who am I taking my own happiness away. I just dread dying unhappy and old and alone, like I've seen my family before.

Yeah it may or may not be brutal, but I've spent most of my life contemplating and easing the thoughts and anxieties in my head. I would be much more anxious and stressed about dying old and alone with my mind corroded. Than while it's still healthy.

I'm not condoning suicide at all in the sense to escape my problems, I just don't want it to be too late when I'm old. Everything I knew not only changes it would be gone. Not that I hate the change, I just don't want everyone I know to be dead and I'm grieving. I can not handle grief over one best friend who died. I know a lot of people I'm very close too. I don't want to see everyone go one by one. I mean my parents think about this stuff too and they are coping very well. I just don't want that to be my future.

What I was exposed to most of all my life. I just want the freedom to take it upon my own self. Not that I'm sad or depressed when that time comes. In the mean time, I'm taking care of my body and myself for the longest time.

I'm trying to do everything on my bucket list within my time frame and when I finish it all. I'll go with accomplishment and whatever bliss is on my mind.

Is that ok to make that choice?

I'm questioning this, question I make, because I don't know if I can legally do that or even have people who would support me. I know many wouldn't I completely understand someone being lost in their life. I mean I'm going through it now, but I know those people will fade too and then it's just me stuck in that faded memory hallucinating with the delusions they are still here with alzheimers thrown in the mix.

It won't happen to me. I promised myself that. I'm not going to die abused hooked up on machines or incapable of surviving functionally cognitively. I am living to be living, and when I reach a certain age. I'm killing myself, because it's how I want to go.

I mean people do it for how they want to go in a nursing home, hospice, and many examples. I am too tired to think of now.

I mean if it's a choice I should have the right to die that way. I will set up for my will already written my bills all gone, my money will be sent away to people I love and care for. My belongings will be donated and my house/car. So on. I will do whatever it means to be.

I've been preparing myself mentally to die when the time comes.

[Lexi232]

Things do have a way of getting better though...
I don't believe its okay, but then i'm not in your shoes, so i really have no right to say one way or the other. And i have no right to judge.

The only other thing i can think of though, is have you been diagnosed with anxiety at all? Have you been on any meds for that?

By telling people, they are legally bound to making sure that you wont kill yourself... (or so i was told at age 19). I couldn't understand why i was stuck inpatient, and why they continued to stop me, and why they wouldn't let me. they seemed mad and not understanding when they caught me.. as if them shouting at me not to do it again would help. They also treated me like a burden on them and they were "tired of" me.. which also didn't help in the "not do it" area of things. But one of the times the charge nurse told me that even if he could let me go through with it, that he legally couldn't, and he would be in trouble legally if he did "just leave" me alone.

I hope you don't go through with this though. You would be severely missed.

[Yismymindblank12]

I'm not sure. I mean I have plenty of more time to think about it, when I can. I just am busy trying to get everything done. I wish I could say that, I'm just done and beyond exhausted holding on to things I thought were important to me and realize how unreasonable they are. Being stuck here has caused me to feel like, I don't want to be here to live someone else's dream. I don't care who wants what out of me. I'm doing it my way and that's final. It's a point of my life, that's been a long time dealing with all my life, I got tired of others dictating me how I should live my life to their standards.

Many times, I'd rather run away and not have anything on me. Even if I starve or suffer for quite some time. My body has felt extreme pain plenty of times, I'll get used to it.

I am just used to people using me, I ask people what they want from me all the time.
I don't want anything to do with anyone. I'd rather die with what I do find my happiness at a time when I feel I lost control of where my life was heading. When I die I won't look back wherever or whatever happens. I may be disillusioned to believe I'll die somewhere peaceful or nothing or whatever. I don't know no one does, but as long as I'm not here. I don't care. I feel like existing has ran it's time out from me. I feel more exhausted than ever. I feel the indifference I receive and being stuck in an environment where happy addicted people are shoving stuff down my throat to be more like them when I'm unhappy for like one time or two. I hope my life won't depend on these people on my death bed, they'd keep me alive to think they are having lasting memories, but I'd be in so much physical pain. I'd probably kill myself in front of them regardless what they'd do, because I'm not indifferent. I'm just frightened deep down and just want to stay away from these crazy people.